'AITA for telling my husband I'm not going to thank him for doing basic household tasks?'
"AITA for telling my husband I'm not going to thank him for doing basic household tasks?"
I (f41) and husband (m39) have been married 7 years and have a 4 year old. Distribution of household tasks has never been great to the point where 2 years ago even as I was working a 50 hr/ a week in I was still primarily the one doing laundry, cooking and doing dishes, child rearing, grocery shopping etc even though I was working more hours.
This last year I became an independent contractor so that I could reduce my work hours down to 20-30 hrs a week and use the remainder of the time to do close development and instruction for three days of home school curriculum my daughter has at her hybrid school.
I have still been responsible for everything household related. My husband recently returned back to work after taking a year off to focus on his recovery from addiction during which time he also was not regularly contributing to household chores and child rearing activities.
Which brings us to the present: my husband took the day off work for a medical appointment and watched passively as I struggled to get my daughter out the door for school.
I woke her up, brushed her hair, got her dressed, made everybody breakfast, packed her lunch, emptied a huge pile of recycling, compost, and trash, and some we were running late threw the dishes ( a frying pan and blender into the sink along with a pot I used for dinner the night before).
No offers for help even as z I'm walking out the door balancing my daughter's lunch box, left over breakfast, my breakfast, a cup of coffee, and her school books in my hand while leaving.
I drop my daughter off and get a call from husband saying, "next time you're going to cook breakfast in the morning can you make sure you at least clean the dishes or put them in the dishwasher when you're done?" I lose my mind and yell at him (probably the AH for that).
He then literally turns to me and says, "I just want to make sure that if I do the dishes for you that you're going to acknowledge that I'm contributing and give me some recognition".
I lost it again and told him that 1) I have always given praise for him soon even the smallest bit of housework and 2) it was ridiculous that he wants praise and recognition for engaging in household tasks that should be shared labor anyway.
I never have gotten recognition for completing because again it's basic expected adulting. More so, I would NOT be praising him or going out of my way to acknowledge when he helps out in this way.
So one hand: as a therapist, part of me is like, "meh, positive reinforcement is going to motivate him to maybe help out more" and if he already feels under appreciated for the ways he does contribute that's important to recognize and address and maybe I am fault for not wanting to do that.
The other part of me is in full feminist rage over years of unseen labor, managing the entire mental load for everyone, the expectation that as a female I'm just supposed to do all of this with no recognition while recognizing my husband for doing the exact same things I've been doing. I need some outside perspective. Hit me with it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Sorry but no your husband sucks and wants a round of applause for wiping his own ass basically. You’re basically a single working mom right now, what does he even add to your life? Other than being a bump on a log and not helping you.
Absolutely NTA. I don’t understand the YTA and ESH comments. This woman has picked up this baby’s slack during years and now he deserves to be yelled at. Lazy bum.
You're living with an addict, not an excuse but an explanation. This is the life you picked, so either embrace the life of a partner of an addict (recovering or practicing, the same immature, narcissistic traits remain), or leave and start anew.
Well first of all, why did you marry and have a child with someone like this? Surely he was always this lazy. Secondly, no you’re not the AH, but you are teaching your daughter that it’s okay to be treated this way. Do with that what you will.
Why are you even with him?
No, you should not praise him for being a responsible adult. And he has no right to demand it. On the contrary, you should scale down what you do for him - like doing his laundry.
Side with the feminist rage girl. Therapists are too nice to people😉 I would have turned around, driven home, and torn him such a new one he’d need a donut pillow indefinitely. Also, stop doing EVERYTHING for a week. Do what you need to for the kid obvi, but don’t lift another finger. When the house is a wreck and he hasn’t had a home cooked meal, maybe then he’ll see.
The only thing you're an AH for is continuing to put up with this from him. You supported him for a year after who knows how many years of being an addict and he couldn't take a single thing off your plate while he did forget all? Forget him.
And now that he's "recovered" he still can't be arsed to be a father let alone a decent partner? Forget him. You're putting up with too much. Your life would be EASIER if he wasn't in it. And what's a partner if they do nothing but make your life worse?
Seriously - stop being an AH to yourself and putting up with him. Would you want your daughter to marry a man like him? Because you're showing her that this is how her future partner should treat her. NTA because the only person you're being an AH to is yourself...and your daughter.
You chose to stay with a low quality partner and this is how it is: subpar support, very low quality father figure, very average male role model for your 4yo. My husband is actively parenting and house caring to such a point we can’t really say who’s the primary caretaker.
The kids and household have both our attention around the same ratio. We want to model a healthy and equal relationship to our kids and our partner choice have been intentional for that.