Woman marries widower; his kids and late wife’s family make sure she is never accepted. AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband it's too late to save our marriage?"
My husband and I met 5 years ago. He lost his first wife the previous year and he was struggling with his two kids who were 4 and 2 then. Currently they're 9 and 7.
It wasn't the parenting he was struggling with but he admitted he was lonely and missed having someone there. We dated casually for a few months and then more seriously.
I was introduced to his kids after we'd been serious for 7 months and things were going well there. When his first wife's family learned I was around the kids there were some rumbles.
My husband told me it would blow over and it was difficult for them to hear the kids were bonding with another woman. It wasn't until after we got married 2 years ago when I started to feel like it wasn't going to blow over.
The kids were acting out with me far more. We didn't have any real issues before. Sure they were kids and didn't always listen but it felt pretty evenly dispersed between my husband and myself when it came to not listening.
But it was clear after a point that it was now happening to me far more than my husband. Things were only really starting to get more noticeable to me when I learned I was pregnant. My husband was thrilled but the kids were not.
Everyone told me it would take a while for them to get used to another baby joining the family. To give it time. My husband and I talked about my concerns and he told me he'd be on the lookout for anything but he didn't. He was dismissive the next time I brought the topic up. Then he started dropping the rope and expecting me to do more.
The kids saw their mom's family once every two weeks. My husband used to drop them off but then he expected me to do it and I was met with a very icy reception and hostile remarks if I asked the kids to be careful or anything like that. I told my husband and he shrugged it off.
The kids started saying the whole you're not our mom thing to me. They told me I couldn't tell them what to do. My husband heard them say it and he'd say nothing and when I did they got more angry.
One time while I was pregnant, I asked if they'd carry their dirty dishes so I could wash up and they said no and they didn't have to listen to me. I told them I was the adult in charge so they did, and it was a simple request and one I knew they were capable of.
They told me their real mom's family said they didn't have to and that I was a stupid b-word who was trying to take them away. I tried to sit down and explain I didn't want to take them away from anyone or upset anyone but I was another person who loved them. But the kids stormed off in a tantrum. My husband didn't care when I told him about it.
When our son was born it didn't get any better. I told him we needed marriage therapy and family counseling and he needed to hear me or our marriage wouldn't survive it. But he didn't make the time for it.
He told me things would get better once the kids settled. He was still leaving it all up to me and anytime I called the grandparents to come and pick them up because I couldn't drop them off it was like I was their enemy.
The kids behaved even worse after visiting them. I was told by a friend who had lost a parent young and gained a stepparent afterward that intervening myself would just make them resent me more and would likely end any chance to improve the relationship.
She said if my husband wasn't going to step up then I needed to leave. She said there was a good chance my son would grow up in a very unhappy home if nothing changed and that I'd be miserable, more than I am now, if I stayed. I tried to make it work.
I tried to have another talk with my stepkids. I tried to insist on marriage counseling again. I got nowhere and it was still getting worse. To add to it the kids reject their baby brother.
There was no magical baby winning them over like others had mentioned, not that I really believed in that but I wanted to think it could happen. I also wanted to believe things could get better. But without my husband on side? I know it won't.
I reached the end of the line after Christmas and I packed up mine and my son's things and went to my parents house. I filed for divorce the next day. My husband didn't seem to believe I'd follow through with it but after a couple of weeks he started saying all the right things and promising he'd do better.
I told him he was too late with all of that. He said we built a family and the kids couldn't lose another mom. Even his parents who were never paid much attention to me reached out and told me I couldn't do this to the kids and we needed to make it work. That it's never too late when kids are involved. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. You tried for years, communicated your needs clearly, and your husband consistently failed to act. His sudden change of heart is convenient, but it doesn't erase his years of neglect and the toxic environment he allowed to fester.
You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your son. His family's pleas are also out of line - they ignored you for years and now want you to sacrifice your happiness for their convenience. You deserve better.
Wait, he didn't say he doesn't want to lose you but he did say that 'the' (his) kids could not lose another mom? So it's only about providing his kids with a mom? It's not about him missing you in his life?
Good thing you got out: you would have had a life-time of looking after kids that wipe their shoes on you and of having to live together with a man who sees you as a household appliance, there to take care of his kids.
NTA. You tried. Your priority is YOUR child and YOURSELF. It's been made clear that your step kids are not your family in anyway- they do not love you or see you as a family member and you weren't allowed to love and see them as family either.
You owe NOTHING to those kids or your terrible ex. I bet ex's former in laws and his kids will start to appreciate you now that all the labor of running a household and childcare for two small kids falls on your ex. And which woman will want your ex with all his baggage? Save yourself girl.
NTA. You tried for years and he turned a deaf eye and ear to all the bad behavior. He never ran interference or established boundaries when it was obvious his previous wife’s family was badmouthing you and telling the kids to mistreat you.
The kids aren’t losing another mother because he and his first wife’s family made sure that you weren’t in that role. He only realized how bad it was when you left. He won’t change and I have no doubts he will move on quickly and find another woman to take care of things. I wish you and your son luck OP and a happier life that you both deserve.
EducationalCan765 (OP)
Thank you. I hope my son and I can have a happy little life now that we're out of the house. I feel guilty I let him be born into that mess to begin with but I'll do everything I can to make him enjoy the life we can have.