'AITA if I divorce my husband because he asked for a paternity test?' UPDATED
"AITA if I divorce my husband because he asked for a paternity test?"
Throwaway account but need some clarity as I am massively upset. I 52(F) have been married to my husband for 24 years, together for 30 years. It hasn't always been roses but we had a lot of fun.
Yesterday we were having a Friday evening drink to relax and our son (17) asked for help with his gaming PC. I'm the tech so I tried to give advice, my husband got angry and stormed off saying that his relax time was ruined. I thought he was being childish and pretty much ignored him.
This evening he told me that in a previous relationship, his partner had lost a baby and in the investigation they found he was infertile and so she had been cheating. This is news to me.
Yeah we had been together 12 years before I conceived, I have never cheated on him, I always thought the problem had been mine. He says that our son is not his and he wants a DNA test.
I agreed because I never cheated on him ever. I said our marriage was over because of this, said he knew I would react this way and I am a lying AH. My heart is broken. Please tell me. Am I TA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Far-Juggernaut8880
Why did he wait 17 years to ask for a paternity test… to me that is the real question.
No-Seesaw-3411
And didn’t tell her at the start that he was supposedly infertile?? Letting her think she was having the fertility issues?
xoxodaddysgirlxoxo
also, doctors can be wrong sometimes. the lost baby years ago could very well have been his. what an AH the husband is 😕
Utter_cockwomble
Infertile isn't sterile. There is always a possibility, a low one but still, of natural conception.
skiarakora
Not only that, but it means they tried for a baby for years while he « knew » he was infertile?? And he didn’t tell her??
randomusername1919
This should be higher up. He has been lying to her their entire marriage, and assuming she lied to him. I am sure the DNA test will show that the kid is his, because as others have noted infertile is not the same as sterile. But now he has outed himself as having deceived his wife for their entire relationship…. I am not sure couples counseling will ever overcome this.
Few_Requirement_3879
Infertility means difficulty getting pregnant/ getting someone pregnant/ staying pregnant, not that it’s impossible. Plenty of people who are infertile are still able to have biological kids, it’s just usually harder and takes longer.
Did he just find out the thing about his ex, or is this something that he’s known for over 30 years and just now decided to bring it up? Because if it’s the latter, he’s just using it as an excuse to get you to divorce him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
Holiday_Horse3100
Saying he knew this is how you would react says that this may be a deliberate effort to get out of the marriage. He may have another woman, he may want something different or he is just being an AH.
SwanTwister
Look, asking people online for advice is like asking if god is real, some will say you are right to divorce and others will say you are wrong. Like many people who post, you know deep down what you are going to do.
We can say one thing or another, but truth be told, you already know what you are going to do. I really hope it works out for you what ever you decide, but don't let people online tell you what to do based off the little information we have to read. Take care.
Specialist_Sand_1553 OP responded:
Thank you for those wise words. I wanted to talk to people as I don't feel I can talk to anybody else right now.
Sebscreen
NTA. If he believed he was infertile, why did he try for a kid with you without sharing that for 12 years? Then why did he wait another 17 years after your son was born to verbalize that he thinks it isn't his kid?
Specialist_Sand_1553 OP responded:
yeah for about 5 years I didn't take contraception, we decided to sell up and go traveling when I got pregnant, I thought it was because we had decided our life was going somewhere else.
Elegant-Channel351
NTA-I would do the test to shut him up. Is this a new assertion from him? Is he having some kind of mental crisis? This seems out of left field.
arsed_Time_6969
NTA. The elephant in the room. He knew he was infertile and let you think it was you. For years. And years. Then he pulls this now? And this is the love of your life? He must poo candy or something.
After reading the comments OP came back with this edit:
Quickie Edit: Thank you so much for answering, for your support and advice. I have read them and will try and respond to as many as I can. But as a quick note: His ex is a lovely woman and we are friends on Facebook, I'll message her in the morning. The dementia angle being suggested is a good one and deserves investigating. I am not a robot or AI, I wish I was because then it wouldn't hurt so much.
Yes, parental uncertainty is something that women don't appreciate, but he should have said before, I would have understood if he had raised it earlier because it did take a while to get pregnant. He had told me about the miscarriage with the ex, which is why I thought our fertility issues were mine, he never told me about getting his fertility checked.
I have worked in Tech for the past 25 years, my son doesn't have my troubleshooting skills :) His parting shot tonight was that he didn't say anything at the time because I needed a father for my kid.
I pointed out that in previous heated arguments I would have thrown that at him and left with my son if there was any doubt he was the father. He was the stay at home parent and I didn't leave him in other turbulent times because I didn't want to leave our son. I'll update you. Thank you.
OP added this small update in the comments:
Wow, this blew up, with a lot of comments on both sides, a lot of great and heartbreaking stories. Thank you everybody for commenting, I needed to be part of a community last night.
Next Update: I messaged his ex and she said that absolutely none of what he said was true. I can't imagine that she would have any reason to lie to me, she doesn't have anything to gain from that and she lives 5K miles away so they aren't having an affair behind my back :)
He is currently locked into the guest room and is messaging me on WhatsApp. He said that he only asked a question and that I am weaponizing this question and it is all my fault.
About a week later OP came back with this full update:
So this will probably need other updates. The next day I messaged his Ex and told her what had happened. She said absolutely none of what he said was true. She lives 5K miles away and has nothing to gain from lying to me. She echoed what some have mentioned and that maybe he was having some kind of mental health crisis.
We don't live in the first world and there is only 1 clinic that does paternity tests, so I told him about it, the boy knows and is happy enough to go get a test with his dad, but to my knowledge he hasn't done this at all. Tempted to buy one off of Amazon and get it shipped tbh. Anyway I can't do the test for him, he has to do that.
So with some quiet distance, I decided to see what would happen, I did promise "in sickness and in health", so if it is a mental health crisis I should be there. Also he won't go see a doctor so that is kind of tough.
Last night he blew up again over something trivial while making dinner and was shouting "shut up shut up" at me, I calmly pointed out that I don't talk to him like that, so off he stomped and locked himself in the guest room and is not talking to me this morning. I really think it is starting to look like a mental health crisis
Am not sure what to do next other than to try and be calm, try not to let him upset me.
Edit 1: Thank you thank you thank you everybody for all of your comments, support and advice. I tried to talk to him this evening, tried to be calm and just ask. Did not get any answers.
Suggested Therapy or medical evaluation but he said that it was just me looking to blame him in a circular way. Suggested we both go for therapy but he wasn't up for that. I just got to keep my wits and get my kid out of here when he graduates.
Also our families don't live near us, we are from the first world but we live in the third. We don't have any family anywhere near, he doesn't work and he doesn't have friends nearby. I have animals to care for and a feral cat colony, I can't walk out and he has nowhere to go either.
My husband has never been violent but I won't stick around if he every showed that side, thanks for all your concern. Love and hugs across the interwebs
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Your husband needs to see a doctor ASAP. Therapy is good, but I mean a medical doctor for scans. I'm not a doctor but this doesn't sound like just a mental health crisis. For his switch to flip this quickly from reasonable human being to going off the rails, it's a good possibility this is a brain injury of some sort.
TBIs, tumors, and small brain bleeds can cause personality changes. His being a complete d^%k is a big issue but a bigger issue is the possibility of death if it is a physical issue with his brain. Please get someone to convince him to get checked out if you can't. Good luck.
It could be a physical health crisis and not just a mental health crisis. Yes, it could be dementia of some form. And I don‘t want to sound alarmist but this is also how brain tumors present themselves.
The fact his ex says what he says is false is alarming. He might have something messing with his head. With the potential that both his memories and personality being effected, it may be worth checking.
eta: this is super hard no matter the cause. I hope you find the answers and help you need
I'm all for people having full autonomy over themselves, but this feels like a situation where you can't just accept that he won't see a doctor. Whether it's issuing an ultimatum (see a doctor or I'm leaving you) or forcing him into an evaluation by involving the authorities, something needs to be done.
It's bad enough for you to have to endure his verbal and emotional abuse, but it his mental health is deteriorating, it could also become physical.