'AITA for telling my husband that we can't take care of his friends' daughter?'
"AITA for telling my husband that we can't take care of his friends' daughter?"
My (28f) husband (37m) of 3 years, had 2 best friends (37m, 37f). They both died a few months ago in a car accident. Their youngest (3f) also died. Their oldest (10f) was not in the car when it happened.
They have no family, my husband met them both in foster care and they all grew up together. Because of this, my husband was the one to arrange the funeral and took care of everything.
After the funeral, he was contacted by a social worker who told him that they had listed him in their will as the person who they'd want their kids to go to if anything ever happened to them. (Something they never told my husband). The social worker asked if he would be willing to take in the surviving daughter (we'll call her Alice).
He agreed, but didn't consult with me at all. He just said he would. I didn't find out until I got home from work the next day and he was rearranging our guest room to be Alice's new room. I was upset but I didn't say anything in that moment.
Later, I brought up that we had agreed we didn't want kids. I explained I'm really really not a kid person. He said something like "she has no one else" and I needed to drop it. A home visit was done to make sure our home was safe and such which felt like my space was being violated. Then eventually Alice moved in with us.
Ever since, she's been basically attached to my husband at the hip. She's everywhere, all the time. To be fair they were always close. He would take her to a bunch of metal concerts and this weird Oddities fair that comes around every year and other things. But like, now it's just..... A lot.
She's doing virtual school and he works from home so she does school in his office so she can be near him. She rarely talks and just sits there whenever I'm around but it just feels awkward. When he's not working he's fussing over her, talking to her therapist, checking with Alice's case worker, etc.
This girl has always been kinda emo/gothy like her mom and dad and my husband which was kinda cute but her dealing with her obvious depression from her parents and siblings death has taken it to a new level.
About 2 weeks ago, she had a nightmare and my husband went to check on her. He never came back and I found him in the morning asleep on her bed with her. And now, at least twice a week she's knocked on our bedroom door asking if she can sleep with us. So now I'm dealing with her even in my one bit of private space.
I lost it a few days ago and I went off on him telling him that I can't deal with her being here, being everywhere. I told him that again, I didn't agree to having a kid. This isn't what I signed up for. And he again said "she has no one else" and then said "she's all that left of my friends".
I told him they could find another family for her, she's not a bad kid, she's not a problem, it will be fine. She'll find a new family easy. He gave me this look that I've never seen before, this combination of hated and sadness and disappointment.
Then I hear a noise from the bedroom door and turns out she was standing there and heard the whole thing and she ends up running out of the house crying. My husband chases after her and the cops get called by someone cause they saw a man chasing after a little girl and pick her up while she was crying. Which then meant a police report got filed and that apparently caused the case worker to get called.
I've tried talking to my friends about it and they have mostly said I'm in the right, I didn't sign up for this. My mom says I'm being an AH, any my husband has barely spoken to be the last few days.
I've tried talking to him about what happened and he says he needs time to cool off before we have that conversation. I love that he has such a big heart and always wants to take care of people. And I understand he lost his friends but I was never consulted and never wanted children.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
if u truly cannot handle living with a child, then the honest option might be separation. bc asking him to send her away is basically asking him to relive abandonment all over again. he grew up in foster care. imagine what that does to his brain.
Foster mum here! That was my sentiment that if he’s been through the system he has an idea of how things could pan out for the child and doesn’t want that. I don’t OP is ah I just think it boils down to compatibility now.
They certainly don't look compatible now. His experience in foster care and Alice being the last link of his friends makes his decision final. He won't give her up. Having kids is a deal breaker to OP so looks like there is no choice but to divorce. You'll just both end up resenting each other if you stay in this marriage, OP.
You keep saying you don't want a divorce but this as become a you or her situation. You and your husband have made it that. All this girl did was lose her entire family. He didn't ask you first because your answer didn't matter. He had to do this.
He has already chosen her. Not because he doesn't love you but because he had no choice. He loved his friends, they were his family. This child is his family. It would destroy him to choose you.
It would destroy his sense of right, of self worth, his self respect, to send her away. If he chooses you, he ceases to be the man you know and love. His self loathing would destroy him. And he would grow to resent, and then hate, you.
You had two choices: embrace this wholeheartedly, determined to make this work (and I think you know that ship has sailed) or leave before you grow to hate each other and ruin the child's life.
Your marriage is over. You dont have to be a parent, but your husband has decided that he will be.
nobody is stopping you from getting a divorce. your husband is doing the right thing obviously but you don't have to do it with him.
it’s basically the reality. He stepped into a parental role and isn’t going to back out and she clearly doesn’t want that life. At that point it stops being about blame and becomes a compatibility issue. Sometimes doing the right thing still breaks a marriage.
So leave and let him care for a child who has just lost her entire world.
"She doesn't say much which is awkward" Dude how disconnected are you? She has lost her parents and her sibling and is grieving. Of course she isn't happily chatting away.
And of course she's going to have nightmares and need comfort. She's probably attached to your husband's hip because she's worried about him being taken from her as well. If you were kind to her shed probably enjoy your company also. Such a shame that this little girl losing everyone she loved has inconvenienced you so much.