'AITA for telling my husband’s stepmom to back off about their traditions?'
"AITA for telling my husband’s stepmom to back off about their traditions?"
So here’s what went down. My husband and I just got married like, not even three months ago. Everything’s been mostly okay adjusting, figuring things out, the usual. But his stepmom?
She’s been on me nonstop about following all these family traditions. And I’m not talking cute stuff like, “We open gifts at midnight,” or “We cook this dish every Sunday.” No. I mean full on expectations like kneeling to elders every morning, doing this very specific weekly prayer circle, fasting on certain days even if you’re sick, and don’t even get me started on the wardrobe rules.
She told me I “shouldn’t be wearing shorts in the house because that’s not how their women dress.” Like… what?! I kept my mouth shut at first. I really did. I thought maybe she just needed time to warm up to me or maybe she was trying too hard to “help” me fit in.
But she kept pushing. Every time I visited their house, she’d corner me. She once told me that “a real wife respects her husband's customs,” and she said it in front of everyone like I was some disgrace. I felt humiliated.
She kept dropping little comments like, “You’ll never be accepted fully if you don’t make sacrifices,” and “You don’t want people to think you’re selfish, right?” I talked to my husband about it. He just said, “That’s how she is” and brushed it off. Literally said, “Just try your best, babe. She means well.” I wanted to scream. So finally, last weekend, I snapped.
We were at their house and she was again telling me I should prepare the ancestral table offering by myself something I’ve never done, don’t know how to do, and honestly, don’t feel comfortable doing yet. I looked her in the eye and said, “Can you just give me time to adjust I’m not used to these traditions, and I feel overwhelmed. Please stop pressuring me.”
My voice cracked. I was shaking. She got quiet. Like dead quiet. Then she turned to my husband and said, “So this is the woman you married?”
And walked out.
Now his whole side of the family thinks I disrespected her. They’re saying I’m selfish, that I’m ruining their family unity, that I “have no heart for culture.” And I just… I feel like I’m drowning. I’m trying. I am. But it’s like nothing I do is enough unless I fully become who they want me to be. I’m not even allowed to just... ease into it? So yeah, I finally stood up for myself. And now I’m the villain? AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. So just stop trying to fit in. You will never be accepted 100%, because she will always find some fault. Stop going over to her house and stop listening to her dictates. She is the one ruining family unity by insisting on her rules.
You have your own culture and history, you don't have to suddenly adopt all her rules because you married into a crazy household. You and your husband need to work out what your own house rules are, and as long as you and he are happy that is all that counts. It is your MIL's loss.
As an aside, don't have children with this man until you have worked out what your house rules are and have communicated them to MIL. She is going to want to come over and make sure that HER grandchild is raised under her rules, which doesn't get to happen unless you both allow it.
Mountain-Gazelle4037 (OP)
Thank you, this really gave me clarity. You're right our home, our rules. It's time we set boundaries and stop trying to please someone who will never truly accept me.
How long did you know your husband and his family before the marriage? Honestly your husband's reaction would make me worry much more, than all the crap from his stepmother. I personally wouldn't give a rat's behind about these weird archaic traditions. But I wouldn't marry anyone, who practices stuff like that. So that might be on you.
My late mother in law, who was a saint and whom I still miss even though she has been gone for years, took me aside the week before the wedding and said: I'm only going to give you one piece of advice, that I wish someone had given me. Start the way you mean to go on.
. It doesn't matter if it's a small thing like packing his lunch, or a big thing like how you divide your money. If you don't want to do it for the rest of your married life, don't start doing it at all. It's much easier to create new habits than change old ones. Good luck, I think you will need it.
Forget the stepmom. Your husband is meek and weak. How attractive. I’ve no idea why you’re folding yourself into a pretzel for any of these people, least of all him.
NTA - so your husband knew she was like this, and would be like this to you, but said nothing. Even now he’s not helping or defending you, because let’s face it, he wants his step mother to break you and mould you like her (gross). So I agree that an annulment is the best course of action.
Christ almighty get away from this weirdo and his mother. What a total failure of a husband. You need to learn to stand up for yourself, get yourself OUT of this situation and wise up. Just wise up. I can't believe you thought that asking her to stop pressuring you counted as standing up to her? You're like a little mouse. Woman up and get out. NTA. Good luck.
Did you not know his religious customs before you married him? Why was there no understanding about how integrated into these customs you would become? That aside, this sounds like the beginnings of a life of hell for you.
Why do you go to your in-laws' home to be treated this way? Why isn't your husband more vocal in standing up for you? What is going to happen if you have children? Do you want them raised in his religion? Do you have any of your own religious traditions?
If you want this marriage to last, you need to seek couples counseling from someone who is still in counseling partners with religious conflicts. I see nothing but disaster ahead. I would try counseling, and be prepared to get out before children and more misery complicate this union.
Do not “ease into it”. Easing into cyanide is still taking poison. You got the classic husband problem. So start with him. Tell him flat out that if he refuses to love and protect you, then he’s not a husband. He’s a child who shouldn’t have married at all.
You are not going to be pressured into giving up yourself and your life to some crazy chick just because she’s married to his father. If husband cant handle that, then get a divorce as quickly as possible because you already know what life they want you to lead and you don’t need that foolishness.
For the rest of them, when they say you don’t have heart for culture, laugh and tell them you stopped with peer pressure when you were 14. After all, “tradition” is just peer pressure from dead people.
And if they are in a panic at someone being strong and independent, that’s on them. You’re going to continue to be your own person and not join into their cult-like behavior. If that means never being part of their lives and they aren’t part of you and your children’s lives, that’s ok too.