'AITA for telling my in-laws my wife cheated? They thought I was leaving because of her weight.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my in-laws we're getting divorced because my wife cheated on me since they thought I was leaving her because of her weight?"

I (35m) thought I was getting everything I ever wanted with my wife (35f) when we were in our late 20s. I truly love her both when she was thin and now that she's plus-sized. She became plus-sized during her pregnancy and I was still hot for her. But she hated her new body, and she felt ugly despite all my compliments.

Over the years, she gained more weight and felt worse about herself. More recently, she cheated on me. She had felt so low about herself she wanted to see if men who "didn't have to love her" would find her s*xy. I "didn't have to love her" because we have a child together, I love her because she's her.

We're getting a divorce and I wanted the process to be peaceful. But my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law (57f), were giving me hell because they thought I was this shallow jerk who was leaving his wife because she gained weight during pregnancy.

I was confronted by her parents, again, I told them the truth. Now my in-laws are giving my wife hell and she's miserable. I don't want her to be miserable, I just wanted my in-laws off my case. AITA?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Catfish1960 wrote:

No, you are not the AH, your wife is though. She lied to her parents about why the marriage ended. Instead of getting the therapy she obviously needs, she CHOSE to cheat.

OP responded:

Given how my wife's self-esteem is so low, she may honestly believe that's why we're giving divorced. She's so convinced that I'm not attracted to her anymore, and I had fallen out of love for her. No amount of evidence has been able to convince her otherwise.

spiritoftg wrote:

You are not responsible if your soon to be ex-wife is delusionnal to the point of self-sabotaging her relationship. At the very least and if I want to be kind, she need therapy. But still, not your fault.

OP responded:

Growing up and during early adulthood, she was "the prettiest girl." I think she had placed so much stock in that. She has a narrow view of how she needs to look to be pretty. The change in her looks really affected her mentally.

RandomPerson-07 wrote:

Well-she had enough confidence to ruin your marriage so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that divorce is the consequence for cheating.

OP responded:

Trust me, she needs help. There is no confidence. She cheated and then confessed to me. Telling me it's another reason why she's "not good enough" for me. Even now, I don't view her as not good enough for me.

RandomPerson-07 responded:

She may need help but that help shouldn’t be coming from you at this point. You need to put yourself first and worry about your next steps.

OP responded:

Outside of communicating about our daughter, I try my hardest to avoid my. Even now, I still see my wife as the love of my life. It hurts to love her. It hurts to see. It hurts to hear her voice. Also, she's the one who filed for divorce.

EnJoyzzzm wrote:

You’re NTAH, but I’m wondering why she filed for divorce. Was/is she still involved with this person? Was telling you about the affair an excuse to justify her ending your marriage? This seems twisted. My suggestion is for you to see a therapist to work through your conflicting emotions.

Be present and aware of your child(ren)’s behavior and moods. Focus your love there. Be alert to the possibility of your child being emotionally manipulated against you. Support them financially, emotionally and physically through your presence during your time with them. Be a good Dad. I wish you a brighter future.

OP responded:

Because she cheated, it further solidified in her mind that "she's not good enough" for me. She said she's only going to hurt me more if we stay together. She said she needs to figure out who she is. She cheated, then she confessed when I had no suspicions, then she's filing for divorce. I loved her before, I still love her, but she is so convinced that I don't.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

A tiny update. Maybe I will get criticized for this but I still love my wife despite what happened. I would still be in love with her even if she wasn't the mother of our daughter. The original post helped me to feel less guilty but I still needed to know how she was doing. Unless it's about our daughter, I avoid all communications with my wife. So I talked to the calmest in-law, my sister-in-law (32f).

Extremely good news is that my wife is in therapy. Even before they learned about the cheating, her parents made her go to therapy as a condition of she continuing to stay with them. Also, the in-laws have let up on her. My SIL said when she heard about the cheating, she understood immediately how this happened.

She said their mom was extremely beauty obsessed and that they got very toxic ideas drilled in their head as kids. My SIL encouraged me to try to move on. That if my wife gets better, it will take a very long time, like years, or even decades.

She said she also feels guilty that she wasn't there to help her sister, so she understands how I feel to some extent, the guilt part. She also said, my daughter knows very little about the conflict between my wife and I.

Just that we're getting a divorce. I wish that someday I could give the update that my wife and I are back together again, we're happy and everything is okay again. But my SIL is right that I really need to try to move because waiting around for that will be torturous. I have to see if I can imagine living in a world where my wife isn't my wife.

The internet did not hold back their thoughts one bit.

Inevitable_Speed_710 wrote:

Dude.
You need help.
You need therapy to deal with this.

OP responded:

I agree. At this point, I'm not sure if it's just love or if something broke inside of me. I can tell you, if my wife wanted to get back together tomorrow, there's a 99% chance of me saying yes. I'm not sure if that's healthy.

Glassgrl1021 wrote:

It’s not. Right now you need to protect yourself and stop worrying about her. She has her family to support her. You should take this time to figure yourself out.

Apprehensive_War9612 wrote:

Glad she is in therapy- but YOU need therapy ASAP. She betrayed you in a terrible way but you still love her and are latching on to ideas to excuse her behavior. Her history provides context and increases the need for therapy. But its not an excuse. Healthy adults get help for their issues before they hurt others.

She needs to focus on healing so she doesn’t push those toxic ideas onto your kid. You need therapy to move on, and help you guide your daughter and to recognize the signs of your wife pushing those toxic beliefs onto her so you can head them off before your daughter develops a poor self image.

IF you reconcile with your wife it should only happen after she has made some incredible steps towards healing and you are in a clearer mindset and healed from the betrayal. Basically you should not want your old marriage back- you’d need to forge a new relationship entirely if that’s possible. And you shouldn’t consider until after you’ve each had therapy individually THEN did couples counseling.