'AITA for telling my 7-year-old son the truth about his mother?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my 7 year old the truth about his mother?"

When I was younger I had a casual relationship with a woman (Sally) I met at a restaurant. We slept together more than 5 times but less than 10 times. I texted Sally on a Friday night, which is when we normally hooked up, asking if she wanted to meet up and she told me to lose her number.

I did and later found out she was pregnant. I contacted her again to see if the child was mine. She told me it wasn't and that she would be getting an abortion anyway and once again told me I needed to lose her number.

I moved on. One day I got a message from Sally's mother. She accused me of abandoning her daughter and my son. I told her I had no clue what she was talking about. She informed me that she had been taking care of Sally's son since he was 4 months old because Sally had a drug issue.

At this point he was 1.5 years old and she (grandma) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She said she couldn't do it alone anymore. I ended up getting a DNA test and found out I was the dad. His grandmother passed away shortly after I took custody.

He's 7 now (8 in August) and has been asking about his mom a lot lately. I have always told him that his mom loved him but wasn't able to take care of him. He has accepted that answer until recently and wanted more answers. I decided to be honest. He asked why he had to live with his grandmother before living with me. I told him,

"Your mom and I weren't talking when she was pregnant with you. I didn't know she had you until your grandmother told me. After that I did everything I could to get you." He asked if he would ever be able to see his mom again. I said, "I don't know. I don't even know where she is. She has a sickness called addiction. Sometimes when people are sick like that they make decisions that no one understands.

That doesn't mean she doesn't love you though." He cried a little and said he hopes his mom gets better. I was gutted and called my mom. She said I shared way too much and hurt him. She said I should have shared much less and stuck with the "she couldn't take care of you" line even though he was asking for more.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who commented, even those who said I was an a$$hole for the explanation. All perspectives were read and considered. I couldn't and can't respond to every post but trust that I have read them.

This happened yesterday and he seemed okay today. He didn't say anything about his mother and I am not going to push it. I have always let him lead these conversations. I think I am going to look into therapy and/or support groups for children of parents battling addiction. I will also be looking into resources for myself to help me navigate all of these new situations as they arise.

I have no experience with kids other than my own so I may be overestimating my son's ability to understand things and maybe someone can help me work on that. I'm honestly not even sure if his mom is alive.

Last I heard she was but that was a while ago. We have a lot to navigate and I could use some help from a professional so I will be looking into that. Seriously, thanks for all of your suggestions, stories, and comments. It means a lot.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

taylorscorpse said:

NTA. If you lied to him, he would have been upset with you later on when he found out the truth. You described it in an age appropriate manner.

OP responded:

That is what I have been most worried about. That he'll discover the truth somewhere else down the line and will hate me for not being honest.

SweetPandaCookie said:

NTA. You are doing so well

OP responded:

Thank you. It's so hard to feel that way sometimes.

vodka_philosophy said:

NTA. You didn't volunteer the information out of the blue; your son has been asking - children asking questions about a topic is a big indication they're ready for the information (though the info should be expressed in an age-appropriate way, which you did), and you gave him the facts without going into too much detail and without making his mother sound like a monster.

Your mom sounds like a typical grandma in wanting to protect your son from pain, but in this case he needed his questions answered.

LeMot-Juste said:

Crying isn't an indication that the information was too much for your son. It's a sad situation. It's going to hurt your son to know this whenever he is told. Right now, he has the cleverness to realize it was more than "she can't take care of you" and wondering if she is outright rejecting him. You've at least cleared up that issue. He is not rejected; his mother is sick.

He might be young but it is better to be forthright when these issues arise rather than give pat answers. He needed a new answer now and you gave him one that is beautiful in its sensitivity. You are doing this right.

furbalve03 said:

NTA. I agree that you told him maybe more than he can process right now but your heart was in the right place and he will understand as he gets older. It was better not to lie.

And OP responded:

Thanks. I think it was a lot to process but I didn't know how to answer him. He never asked such direct questions before. He has asked about his mom but I have been able to get away with, "She loved you but couldn't take care of you" until now.

The update:

Brief Recap: I am a single dad to a 7 year old boy. His mother has struggled with addiction and hasn't been in his life since he was an infant. When he asked about his mom in the past I would just tell him that she wasn't able to take care of him the way he needed to be taken care of. He pushed for more information a couple weeks ago.

He asked why he had to live with his grandmother before living with me. I told him, "Because your mom and I weren't talking when she was pregnant with you. I didn't know she had you until your grandmother told me. After that I did everything I could to get you." He asked if he would ever be able to see his mom again. I said, "I don't know. I don't even know where she is.

She has a sickness called addiction. Sometimes when people are sick like that they make decisions that no one understands. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you though." He cried, I felt bad, and my mom told me I told him way too much information. I came here looking for judgement.

Update: I was overwhelmed by the amount of replies. I did get a lot of people calling it a validation post. I didn't mean for it to be but it was nice to see so many people say that I wasn't the a$$hole. It gave me some more confidence in my parenting. I don't know much about kids or parenting and am kind of learning on the fly here. Seeing his and my mom's reactions made me think I ruined my son's innocence.

I have decided to get some parenting counseling for myself to help me navigate different challenges. For my son, I talked to him about joining a group for kids who have parents that struggle with addiction. We have a center here that does a weekly group session for kids. They separate it by grade so my son will be with about 10 kids around his age dealing with the same thing.

The coordinator said the group has everyone from kids who have never met their drug addicted parent to kids who see their drug addicted parent everyday to kids who have lost parents to addiction. My son is very interested and I am glad he'll be able to see that he isn't the only kid dealing with this.

Thanks again to everyone who commented. I still don't know if I am doing the right thing but I am trying my hardest to raise a strong, happy, and healthy kid. I hope his mom gets to see him one day.