'AITA for telling my late son's fiancée I don't want contact with her anymore?' UPDATED 5X
"AITA for telling my late son's fiancée I don't want contact with her anymore?"
My (41M) son (18M) died towards the end of 2023. He had a fiancée ( now 20F) that he had been with for nearly 4 years, he was engaged to her for about 6 months. Since he died, she was amazing I will admit. I had her in the first car with me at his funeral.
Last Father's Day, she invited me to her house for a meal and I ate with her and her parents. She's checked up on me and come around just to see if I was ok. Christmas was no different.
She bought me a present and said happy Christmas to me and wished me a good new new year. I invited her around for a cup of tea and to say hello this last Thursday and she said she was busy but will definitely soon. I said ok no worries.
I went shopping anyway the same day and happened to see her with a boy holding hands and also shopping. She saw me and went all embarrassed and said hello, introduced him and said she'll see me soon.
She messaged me that day after I saw her and she told me about him. Apparently she's been with him about 3 months. She apologised and said she'll definitely come and see me soon and fill me in properly.
I told her it's ok, she doesn't need to come and see me. She asked me if I was angry with her and I said I'm not but she doesn't need to come around anymore and I think she shouldn't stay in contact, I think she should live her life and forget about me. She was all upset and tried to change my mind so I've blocked/muted her for now.
My colleagues noticed I was all quiet at work yesterday and asked me what's up so I told them. They were sort of quiet themselves and after a while one of my colleagues said she thinks I'm wrong and was all like "the poor girl, she must be devastated."
My manager heard it and said he agreed, and if one of his sons passed he'd be ok if the girlfriend moved on. I told them they don't know the first thing what I'm going through, they've never lost a kid so have no idea. He sent me home as he could see I was upset and said we'll talk Monday. I have no idea anymore. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
I think grief happens differently for different people at different life stages. Your reaction to seeing her is also a response to grief: here is your son’s fiancé, attempting to also make sense of her loss, moving on and dating.
I would be upset with this simply because she’s not frozen in time living the way your son is in death. She can continue her life, learn to adjust and live with the grief, in ways your son will not have the chance to and my God, that must hurt and feel unfair.
But it also isn’t her fault, because she’s a different person from you, at a different time in her life, navigating grief differently. And perhaps you need to take space, which is totally okay! But by doing this, I wonder if somehow you are also hurting yourself in your own pain?
She sounds as though she has been incredibly supportive and has handled this loss rather maturely for a 19 and then 20 year old. I get the sense you value(d) her emotional support during your immense loss. Do you think you may be recreating the loss out of your own anger? Do you really never want contact again?
You lost your child. There is nothing in the world that could ever prepare you for that and there is definitely no way to ever fully recover from something like that.
Two days later, the OP returned with a brief update.
So basically I did feel really bad about hurting her so I messaged her saying I do apologise, I didn't mean to hurt her like that but I just am struggling so much and I need time so to give me space gta bit and I'll get in touch when I feel up to it. I stressed she's done nothing wrong and i hope she's happy with him. She just replied back with a love heart and 3 X's. So I assume she is ok with things.
Five days later, the OP returned with another update.
I met up with her this week. I decided forget it so messaged her. She was confused given my last message but agreed. We had a nice time and chatted. She assured me she still loved my son dearly but just met her new boyfriend and he swept her off her feet.
She says he reminds her a lot of my son and has the same qualities and just couldn't help but fall for him. It was both a nice thing and hard to hear at the same time. But I hid it. I gave her a good bit of money to spend.
She was all "are you serious?" And tried to give me it back. I told her yes, go on holiday with him or something and have a nice time. She kept on hugging me and saying thank you and that she loves me so much. She cried, I cried and we're doing ok.
I've done a lot of things this week I haven't done in ages. I've bought a new PS5, new TV and sound system and also paid an escort. I've booked a holiday - looking at going to Japan. I've also reached out to old friends to check in with them.
A lot of them are surprised but happy to hear from me. One has really been struggling so I paid for a holiday for him too. He was so grateful. I'm going to see a new car soon too. Going for an Audi Q6. No idea what I'll do with it but I figure why not enjoy my time left on this earth.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
Unlike most other commenters this update actually concerns me, especially given your comment where you talk about “going out with a bang”. I know you have said therapy didn’t work for you, but please consider trying again. You probably didn’t have the right therapist. Sometimes you have to try a few different ones to find one that works for you.
It concerned me too. Handing out gifts and reaching out to old friends and sudden acceptance are all red flag responses for someone who’s decided to end things. I truly hope op reaches out to someone for help.
I noticed this too. Very concerning. OP please update that you’re ok. ❤️
Six days later, the OP returned with another brief update.
Nothing much to report. I've bought my mum a new iPhone. I'm saving for my Japan trip. I feel better than I have for years. Knowing I haven't got long is a blessing. I can't wait to see my son again.
The next day, the OP returned with another update.
I won't bore you with the details but I'm going to die this year. Before I do, I'm going to visit where my ancestors lived - I've traced them to a specific place,/graveyard where they were laid to rest. I have lived in England all my life,- would I face any difficulty/animosity?
Two months later, the OP returned with their final update.
I haven't seen my son's fiancée since the last time we spoke. I guess she's been busy with her new boyfriend. I mean, I guess more power to her and she's got to live her life right? She did message me just to check in on me, and thank me for the money again so I guess she hasn't forgotten me.
I'm sort of ok. Not long after my last post, I got chatting to an old friend on my social media - my childhood friend's older sister, 43F. She lost her son who was also 18 3 years ago and the more we talked, the more things she said really resonated with me.
She invited me to a support group for people who have lost loved ones - I didn't want to but because I have always had a lot of time for her, I thought I'd go -at least for one or 2 sessions and then let her down gently.
I didn't anticipate actually getting anything out of it, but I actually did. Seeing and hearing people's stories, especially people losing their kids like me, hit home. My friends was probably the most tragic.
I mean don't get me wrong, my son dying was the worst thing that's happened to me and my family but hearing all the heartache and how it torn her family apart, split her from her wife, all the legal battles she's had over his health and then death was just something else.
I cried over it, and as it's the first time I cried over something other than my son in a long time - i don't know, I kind of needed it. It led to vulnerability too and when we were talking after a group meeting I let slip my plans and she went mad at me.
But after she calmed down, she basically gave me an ultimatum - if I don't go to more sessions and start counselling, she'll tell my parents about my plans. Which I don't want so I agreed.
So that's where I am. I no longer want to end things. I can't say I have much of a desire for life still and want to live all that much, but it looks like I'm here to stay again. So one day, you'll probably have another boring depressing update from me - sorry folks. Groan.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s final post:
This is the best update. I wish you the best on your road to healing.
This is exactly what they mean when they talk about a cry for help.
This is honestly not a boring update. You went somewhere and you found someone who was able to start the process of helping you. You just lost your son. That's something no parent should ever have to deal with. But I'm happy you're no longer considering going down the s path. I really wish nothing but the best for you OP, and have fun in Japan if you're still going.