'AITA for telling my mother-in-law it's not my fault she married a deadbeat?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my mother-in-law it's not my fault she married a deadbeat?"
So I'm 25 and my husband is 28. We just had our first baby 4 days ago. I've just been released from the hospital yesterday. My MIL is bombarding my husband with calls because she's old and sick and wants him to take care of her.
My husband took 2 weeks off work to stay home with me and the baby to care for me after the C-section and bond with our daughter. MIL took that as him being free and available and refuses to acknowledge that he's not on vacation.
It hasn't been easy. There were complications and I lost a lot of blood. I'm in a lot of pain to the point where I can't even stand up on my own. Our baby is very fussy and crying a lot. We're not really sleeping because she literally cries every hour.
The first time MIL called was literally 3 minutes after I gave birth and wanted him to go to her because she wasn't feeling well. She kept calling every hour when I was still in the hospital. My husband stayed with me the entire time because like I said I lost a lot of blood and wasn't feeling well.
He put his phone on DND and didn't turn it on until I was discharged. We were still in the hospital parking lot when she called, he answered and when he explained the situation she lost her absolute mind and he ended the call. She hasn't stopped calling him and he blocked her number last night at 4am after 73 calls from her.
She started calling me this morning and I tried to be polite but after 15 calls between 7am and 3pm where she called me names, yelled at me and insulted me I snapped and told her to leave us alone because we have a newborn at home.
She said she doesn't understand why he can't go to her because her husband never took care of her after she gave birth and wasn't really involved with the kids until they were 3-4 years old and i told her it's not my fault she married and had kids with a deadbeat and to leave us alone and figure her own shit out like an adult.
My husband is on my side but we're obviously biased considering the amount of stress we're under at the moment so I'm asking because I don't know if it's just the stress and the hormones and we're actually the problem or she is out of her mind to expect my husband to leave me alone at home in this condition.
I'm posting here because I need unbiased opinions, I feel like an a for what I said and even if it's deserved, I shouldn't have worded my frustrations better.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
lapsteelguitar said:
JFC. Your MIL has issues, and it’s not on you & your hubby to solve them. Don’t answer when she calls. Cut off the conversation when she starts her crap, if/when you talk to her. NTA.
Difficult-Signal4867 said:
NTA, your mil is behaving entitled and congratulations on the baby.
Soggy_Sun_7646 said:
Your mother-in-law has some serious mental health issues. She needs to learn that she is not the center of the universe. Most parents would appreciate that you are in a difficult situation and try to help you…not the other way around. Good on you for setting her straight. I would set limits with her and go low contact until she can begin to act like an adult! NTA.
Arietis24 said:
I think your husband needs to tell her, very firmly, that he’s going no contact for a while. If she starts back at it, in a few weeks, go no contact again, for longer this time. You both need to focus on your health and your baby. NTA, of course.
HoneydewGlitter said:
NTA. MIL seriously needs to understand boundaries and respect your family's time and space. It's not your or your husband's job to take care of her, especially not right after you gave birth. Plus, who calls someone 15 times in the span of 8 hours!? That's just excessive. Hang in there and hopefully she'll eventually get the message and leave you guys alone. Congrats on the new baby, by the way!
SnowyOrchidCharm said:
NTA. You’re recovering from major surgery with a newborn. Your MIL is completely unreasonable and frankly, kinda selfish.
You might have a narcissist on your hands. She might actually have a problem if this is new behavior. You said she said her husband didn't take care of her after her kids, so does your husband have siblings? Can they get her medically checked out?
NTA, your health and peace need to be preserved so you can get well and so you both can care for baby.
Weary_Medium1413 OP:
Hi, his siblings no longer have contact with her. his older brother (40) cut ger off when he was 20 and his younger sister (21) cut her off at 18. My husband is the only one that still talks to her and even that is limited. MIL and FIL also divorced a few years ago.
Later OP came back with this update:
Edit to update quickly, she's officially blocked on all channels. My husband sent her a long and detailed email informing her of our decision to go no contact and the reasons behind it. She was also told that if she continues to try to contact us in any way we will be going to the police for harassment and look into getting a restraining order against her.
She responded that it wasn't fair and said "is that bitch making you do this?" So yeah. She's banned from our lives indefinitely. My dad and FIL will be coming to stay with us one week each just in case she decides to show up to our home.
Me and baby are doing well, I'm writing this while breastfeeding her. She eats like a champ. Hubby is sleeping right now, he was up all night with the baby so I could sleep because i was barely keeping my eyes open.
Thank you for the wishes. I'll update if anything else happens but I'm really hoping this is it.
Then OP came back with a second update:
Second update - i forgot about this post. A lot has happened. 2 days after we've completely gone NC she started spamming FIL with calls. We've filed a police report and also filed for a restraining order. The police at first gave her a warning. We were given a restraining order but MIL violated it by getting a new number to continue to harass my husband.
She was arrested for 48h for violating the restraining order. She did it again. We called the police again and she's been arrested again for 30 days. We've gotten new phone numbers and we're looking into moving away.
My baby girl is thriving and thanks to some advice i got here we were able to find out why she was crying so much and now she's barely crying. It's such a big improvement. She sleeps better and actually rests so she's overall better.