"AITA for telling my MIL not to come to my baby shower?"
I,F,33 am having my first child with my husband, 35 M. We found out I'm having a boy & my MIL was ecstatic. She instantly rushed to social media & posted about her soon-to-be grandson.
She also took the ultrasound photos my husband had sent her, plastered them all over her social media page, sent them to her friends & relatives, made it her profile photo; all while soaking in the admiration from everyone on how she'll be a wonderful grandmother.
To be clear, no one had been told about the pregnacy yet.. and this is not going to be her first grandchild. She has 4 other grandchildren, whom she rarely spends anytime with. Her other 2 children don't visit her often due to past tensions in the family & her unwillingness to respect their boundaries.
My husband is the closest to her, so he felt she had a right to know before anyone else. At the time she posted about my pregnancy, we were going to make our own announcement after a few days, but I feel like she took that moment away from us, aswell as the joy it would've brought us as new parents-to-be..
MIL not only jumped at the opportunity to tell everyone when she knew we were planning on a reveal.. she had even told my husband that she expected to be in the delivery room as I give birth.. She also mentioned bringing her friends, not family.. but her personal friends who I don't know, to the hospital as soon as my son arrives.
I told her I wouldn't be comfortable with strangers visiting me in the hospital & that my newborn & I would both need to rest. She tried pulling the grandma card & told me that my husband wouldn't see a problem with it; that its only me making it into an issue. I never agreed but feel like she'll still try to get her way on this..
A few weeks ago, I had my friends tell me they are throwing me a baby shower & I was so grateful. My own family hadn't mentioned anything about a shower & I was thinking that I'd have to throw one myself or go without. My friends asked what colour I'd like to go with for the party theme, cake, decor, clothing..; I asked for yellow.
I mentioned how a gender-neutral color would come in handy if I ever got pregnant again, which I had hoped I would.. Plus, I just love yellow as its a happy color. I specifically asked people on the invite list for a yellow theme because of the possibility of us having another baby & they all said they'd do their best.
When my MIL heard about the yellow theme, she sent me photos of a bunch of blue baby items with dinosaurs & "little man" all over them. She told me she wouldn't be purchasing anything in yellow, as yellow isn't a colour she's a fan of. I told her its the color I chose & the reason of why we wanted a neutral color.. she wasn't having it.
She continued ordering & purchasing baby items, all blue or labeled baby boy. I knew I would lose on that argument, so I ignored it. She then had reached out to one of my friends who she was told (by my husband) was planning the party. She told them I now wanted a blue theme & a blue cake, but was too shy to ask them to change it after they'd already been buying everything in yellow.
The friend, bless her soul, messaged me to ask if that was true & I almost lost it.. I really felt that MIL had crossed a line in doing that. I instantly called MIL to tell her that what she did was out of line, completely unnecessary, & that she's no longer invited to the baby shower.
She didn't apologize; just told me I'm being overdramatic & that it wasn't a big deal. I told her she was the one being overdramatic & hungup on her. She called my husband & told him that he needs to deal with me, & that she'd be coming to the shower whether I wanted her there or not.
I told him I don't want her there & he's now siding with her; he says it's just a color & I didn't need to yell at her over something so minor as her wanting to see our son in blue clothing. I shouldn't have her called immediately, but I was very emotional at that moment & I had seen it as the last overstep that I was willing to let her take. My son isn't even here yet & she's already disrespecting my choices as a mother...
I can only imagine it will get worse once the baby is here & I'm worried if she shows up to the shower, she'll dampen the mood & make it all about herself or the color I chose. AITA?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Pale_Cranberry1502 said:
NTA. Shut this down, now. Inform your birthing team that she is not to be allowed anywhere near you during labor. I don't trust your husband.
Sit him down, and tell him he needs to prove now that you're his priority. It's unfortunate you got pregnant before hashing this out. Did she railroad your wedding? Were there any signs earlier?
coffee_cats_books said:
You have a MIL problem, but the biggest problem is your husband. You're going to need to put your foot down in a big way, otherwise he will continue to prioritize her wants over your needs.
Personally, I would leave & stay with a friend or family member. Make marriage counseling a requirement before you even consider returning home. Tell him that you will not be coming home until he remembers who he is actually married to & who his child's mother actually is, and gets his priorities straight.
As for MIL, block her. She is not your spouse or your child's parent, so she has no reason to be involved on your end. All she is bringing is stress, which isn't good for you or the baby.
If you don't draw your line in the sand now, they will continue to gang up on you & take over raising your son - parenting, holidays, birthdays... So put your foot down HARD.
DawgreenAgain said:
Tell her the wrong date and place for the baby shower . Problem solved.
AcademicBreakfast929 said:
You aren’t the asshole for setting boundaries with her or anyone and if your husband is siding with her already you might as well get out now because it’s going to get worst
And Emmyxo212 said:
NTA. Your husband has a choice to make. He can either raise his family with you, or he can raise his child 50% of the time with his mother. That’s where you’re at OP. Any softening from this will always result in you being steam rolled by his mother.