'AITA for telling my MIL that she can never see our child if she says anything against me?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for telling my MIL that she can never see our child if she says anything against me?"

I (26f) have been married to my husband (27m) for a little over a year now. We met 4 years ago when I was as a student teacher/college student near his favorite pizza place and we literally met walking on the same street.

I’ve always loved my husband but the problem is that we were in two different tax brackets before getting married. He comes from a family of money and my mom worked two jobs growing up, it’s literally luck that we met because if the system had their way.

I’d be relying on government assistance to live (no offense to anyone who does considering that’s how it was for my mom her entire life) despite our two different backgrounds, he never made me feel less than and even before we got married he made me feel like his money was also my money.

From the moment when I met his mom, she never directly made me feel unwelcome like in the movies. But the way she looked at me or the way she’d make comments disguised as jokes about my college choice really made me feel uncomfortable.

I never brought it up but as me and my husband got more serious, she got worse and soon started making outright rude comments against me like how I was “stupid” for going to college for early education because they don’t make any money or would compare me to her other DIL’s who were nurses or in the business field.

My husband has confronted her about it multiple times but even then her behavior would only change for a few weeks and then she’d slowly start the process again.

Anyways, my husband proposed early last year and we got married 6 months later at a beautiful vineyard with my dream dress, the entire day was perfect until she made her speech which she started off with “she’s not the woman I had in mind but she’s the woman he loves.” in contrast to my moms speech that was about how happy I am and how she cries happy tears every night because I found true love.

Her speech ruined my whole night but when my husband confronted her after our honeymoon, she apologized over the phone and sent flowers to our house. Three months ago, I found out I was pregnant and I’m sooo excited for this chapter in my life, my husband has always wanted to be a father so he’s already begun buying baby stuff and sending me pictures of what he wants the nursery to look like.

We told his family over their bi-weekly family dinner last week and while everyone seemed happy we all held our breath to wait on his mothers reaction. She played the happy grandmother-to-be facade but two days ago his brothers wife that I’m close to sent me the messages that another brothers wife had sent her of my MIL stating that she’s disappointed in him and that now I’m “stuck” in their family.

I almost cried but didn’t because while I was disappointed, I wasn’t surprised. I told my husband about it and he’s already confronted her about it and she’s once again apologized.

My husband and I agreed that if we hear anything else from her against my pregnancy then we’d go no contact but as my husband is oldest we’ll be giving her the first grandchild and starting the newest generation of their immediate family, after telling my SIL about our decision she said that I should distance myself.

But keeping a grandchild from her might not go over well but both me and my husband have already agreed but now idk, AITAH since she already apologized.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Maximal_gain wrote:

NTA check with a lawyer about parental verses grandparents rights in your local jurisdiction. If there are no grandparent rights she can sue for, prep to block her and anyone else that she sends your info to. Be prepared on both of you. Make sure there is nothing she can do to you or your children.

OP responded:

Fortunately, we live in Florida so according to my google searches, that you gave me the idea for, she can only really do anything if we’re unfit or absent, if im reading it correctly ofc

WeeklyBloom wrote:

NTA She made a meaningless apology and has continued to bad mouth you to the rest of the family. Restricting her access to your child is the way to go. Your mother-in-law is a toxic in-law to you -- read the book by Susan Forward and your husband might want to read her book about Toxic Parents too.

You only have to read a few stories in JustNoMil to understand how damaging a MIL like this can be to a child. Since you and your husband are on the same page here, you may want to spend some time with a therapist to help you with your strategy to avoid having her as a malevolent influence in your lives.

OP responded:

I only feel bad because my relationship with my grandmother really shaped me even when she and my mother weren’t on the same page all the time and all I want is for them to have that same relationship

Redditaloudatnight9 wrote:

Nope, apologies with no change in behavior means the apology was worthless. You and your husband are on the same page, so just wait for her to mess up again. I think to lower stress and enjoy this time that you should just ignore her. Literally pretend that she does not exist other unless she says hello or goodbye lol. Ignore conversations about her, don’t engage and just have fun prepping for baby!

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Since my post, my MIL has spoken against me again, this time she simply commented that I will be “slowly k**ling my baby” because I told my SIL about the vaccines that the doctors recommend that I get during my pregnancy to ensure my health (while my MIL was within earshot).

She decided that it’d be a good idea to gossip about me on the phone with her sister, word got around and eventually my SIL told me what was said about me. This did hurt a bit because as a ftm I just want to do anything to help my baby.

My mother wholeheartedly disagrees with her and said that she got every vaccine that was recommended when she was pregnant with both me and my siblings and I got every vaccine growing up, including my flu shot, and I’m perfectly healthy. I told my husband about it and he officially sat his mother down today and told her what would be happening.

He explained that her actions have been unacceptable for far too long and that she’d have no access to me or our baby until further notice which means no more attending family dinners, vacations, events, etc. I told her that any information she gets about the baby will only be because I agreed to give it to her and it’ll go through my husband or SIL.

She did not react very well and said that we were selfish for cutting off the relationship between a child and their grandmother as a grandmother is just as important as a mother, I reminded her that my mother is still alive and only lives an hour and a half away so my child will still have a relationship with their grandmother.

We’ve arrived home since the situation and my SIL told me that my MIL has already told both her and a few other family members and while she, her husband (my husband's brother), and another SIL has attempted to defend me, it’s not a lot of people in my corner.

My husband’s father has called him since and said that while he isn’t required to always get along with his mom, we were all still family and he shouldn’t take her only grandchild away from her because of a disagreement as family argues all the time. It’s very hectic at the time but I’m sure everyone will recover, thanks everyone for their advice and words.

The internet was invested in the update.

Fun_Bread_8560 wrote:

My grandmother was a home health nurse before many of the vaccines we now get automatically as kids were developed.

She saw children contract polio and spend the rest of their lives in iron lungs, she watched many patients die from measles, meningitis, scarlet fever, etc. Trust and believe I had every vaccine possible as a child. I'm glad your husband put his foot down. Best wishes with your little one! 🙏🤍🌛🌝🌜

OP responded:

My SIL is a RN after studying nursing during college and one of her professors was a retired pediatric nurse, she has soooo many horror stories that her prof told her about children who came in with horrible diseases that would’ve been avoided with just one vaccine, she’s 1000% on board with me which is why I know that I’m not as crazy as my MIL wants it to seem.

Apprehensive_War9612 wrote:

If she apologizes but doesn’t change- that’s not remorse; it’s manipulation. She gaslights you both every time she offers a meaningless apology and sends some flowers as if that makes it better. She insulted you at your wedding in front of all of your and his family and friends, then sent you a text and flowers in private.

That’s not an apology. An apology needs to be as loud as the insult. Now she has already started attacking your choices as a mother. And when confronted and told her behavior is unacceptable, she has doubled down and is rallying the troops. This is not a disagreement.

This is a long term, concerted effort to make you feel small, undermine you and your marriage, and make it clear to the rest of the family that you will never be a part of it. You and your husband need to stick to your guns. And anyone who pleads her case but doesn’t check her behavior needs to be kept at a distance. NTA.

grayblue_grrl wrote:

"A grandmother is just as important as a mother"

NOT AT ALL.

GOOD grandparents are a bonus.

BAD grandparents are how generational trauma is passed on. You are not "keeping your child away from her". You are "PROTECTING your child FROM HER". Glad you and husband are on the same page.

FeedsBlackBats wrote:

NTA. There is no way you could trust her to be around your baby. She already thinks she's just as important as the babies mother - that will come with her thinking she can make decisions and do things her way. Is she still in the generation that thought babies need drinks of water between feeds, or could have a bit of baby food put in their milk to bulk it up?

These type of things we now know can cause huge problems and death before the age of 6 months - but she won't listen to you because she's just as important. And when baby is a child, what toxic things will she whisper in its ear about it's Mother?

"Mommy won't let you have a cookie before your meal, here, have this one just don't tell her. Nanny loves you more" "Mommy is so lazy, look at her sitting there. She should be playing with you like I am. Nanny loves you more"