Couple demands nose piercings from grandparents to restore trust. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my mom and dad that they have to get their noses pierced if they want to see my daughter again?"
New_Army_5718
My husband and I travel down to Mexico to visit with my family. I am an American citizen my mom and dad are not. My mom and dad got my daughter earrings for her birthday. My daughter's ears are not pierced. She is only one year old. I told them that I would save them for her until she was old enough to get her ears pierced.
We left my daughter with my parents while we went to meet up with some friends. When we went to pick up my daughter my mom showed us that we didn't need to wait because they had taken her to get her ears pierced.
I got my daughter and I dragged my husband out of there before he lost his mind. We went back to our hotel. I am furious. My husband said that my parents are not allowed to spend time alone with my daughter ever again. I went farther. I said that I would not be bringing her, or any other kids we might have, down here to see my parents. We checked out three days early and went home.
On the way home my parents were calling me to see when we were coming over. I ignored all the calls and texts until we were back home in Phoenix. We took a couple of days to think things over and cool down.
I finally called them. I asked them not to speak until I was done talking. I told them that my husband and I are upset with them for getting our baby's ears pierced without our permission. I told them that we went back home and probably wouldn't be visiting for a while.
They said that my sister and I both had pierced ears when we were babies and that it did not harm us. I said that we were not going to change our minds. They started getting everyone including my grandmother to call me and say I was being ridiculous.
I talked with my husband and we came up with a compromise. We agreed that we would resume visits, but not alone time, with them if they both got their noses pierced. They said that we are being stupid and that they are not going to do that. I said no problem and hung up. We have started blocking anyone who tries to call us and give us shit for denying my parents their RIGHT to see my daughter.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
pizzadotgov
NTA! They violated your trust in a huuuuuge way, and they have absolutely no right to see your daughter, nor do they have a right to see you. They're confusing rights with wants.
They were willing to do (semi)permanent* damage to your baby directly against your wishes just because they want to decorate the baby. It displays a lack of respect for you and for your child.
Their aesthetic wants are more important than the grandchild's feelings. And if you think about it for more than five seconds, "I did this unnecessary thing to a baby before they were old enough to say No" is a terrible way to treat a person.
It was very polite for you to save the earring gift for later.
"until she was old enough to get her ears pierced"
They're grown adults, surely they didn't think this meant "later today."
If you want the piercing to close up properly, don't use hydrogen peroxide or antibacterial soaps. Use a saline solution on the piercing daily. If the piercing seems like it might already be infected, do not remove the earring. We don't want to close an infection inside the body. I recommend you talk to a local body piercer about this, or call a local shop that has all their licenses.
*I say semi-permanent because I don't personally know whether this will leave a scar if/when the piercing closes. It could be permanent, it could go away. I am not telling this mother to take the earring out because I am not a piercing professional and I will not be giving advice about removing fresh piercings without even seeing it.
Ready_Tank_7463
NTA. I read your “ultimatum” as more tongue-in-cheek. Not that you’re actually expecting them to get their noses pierced but that you’re simply enforcing a NC boundary (knowing that they’re obviously not getting themselves pierced). I think that’s fine and fair.
What they did was wrong on so many levels. And since they refuse to apologize or take accountability for their huge lapse of judgment, I think going NC is appropriate.
mellow-drama
These posts just blow my mind. Grandparents want to do something. Parent says, no (in this case, daughter is too young for that). Grandparents do it anyway - in this case PHYSICALLY ALTERING the child's body against their parents' wishes.
Parent takes child and leaves, and grandparents - who are supposed to be having a visit - don't hear from parent for days, even past the time that the vacation was supposed to happen.
Grandparent thinks "Wow. I didn't think it was a big deal but my kid is so mad they took their kid home, cut their vacation short, without even saying goodbye AND they haven't spoken to me in days.
Should I (A) apologize and take accountability for having gone against their wishes with their kid, even though I personally don't think their rule made sense, or (B) double down and imply they're overreacting and tell them that I expect them to accept that I can do whatever I want to their child and they have no say.
Or (C) Do B plus call all of my friends and our family, cry to them about how I'm such a victim, and ask them to harass my child about how sad I am and how awful they're being. Yup, definitely C!"
Half of being a mature adult is accepting accountability when you're wrong. It's so easy. And the higher the stakes - say, for example, whether or not you're allowed to have a relationship with your own adult child and their family - the easier it should be to admit that you crossed a line.
But nope, parents would rather be righteous than happy. After all, how DARE their child (who is a grown, married adult and parent of their own child) think they don't have to obey?? How DARE their child try to impose any rules or boundaries around their own family or child, DON'T THEY KNOW WHO I AM???
I, who CHOSE to have a child, actually fed and clothed that child when it was helpless and I was required to care for the life I CHOSE to bring into the world. That means the child owes me obedience in everything and forevermore!!!
Like, the nose piercing thing is ridiculous but if they'd just apologized, and given some space and time, I assume the OP would have let them.visit eventually, even if not unsupervised.
But instead of apologizing they put on this whole show and turned the entire family against the OP simply for saying "Hey it's not okay that you went behind my back, abused the trust I placed in you to care for my child, and permanently altered my child's body after I explicitly said it's not happening."
Stick to your guns, OP. If your parents would rather be "right" than have you in their life, then they aren't the kinds of people you want as role models for your kids anyway. NTA.
Four months later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE on telling my mom and dad that they have to get their noses pierced if they want to see my daughter again?"
New_Army_5718
Firstly my baby is okay. She got over the infection and the damage to her poor little ear was only cosmetic. My parents have agreed that they will pay for any reconstructive surgery that might be needed.
They also both got their noses pierced. I had one of my friends down there verify it. My dad got his pierced like a bull so he can flip it up inside his nose. My mom got her nostril done.
Neither of them thought I was serious until we ignored them for a couple of months. No pictures no nothing. My husband is still furious but has agreed to accept their apologies.
We also made sure that they understood that we would not be leaving our baby alone with them under any circumstances. They are going to have to go a long time to rebuild our trust. Before you ask. No I will not force them to keep their piercings. The deal was that they did it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Dashqu
"A piercing is not a big deal"
"Alright, you get your noses pierced then"
FRIGGING BEAUTIFUL!!!!
Trust needs to be rebuild, but you handled it like a pro!!! Standing ovation from this internet stranger.
Hawkmonbestboi
... I'm sorry, I just got from a comment that the baby is MISSING her earlobe due to their actions? Reconstructive surgery... you mean to tell me their actions cause such grievous damage to your child that she actively lost body parts at 1 year old... and the ONLY punishment is they had to peirce their noses, pay for her surgeries, and can't be alone with her anymore?!
I'm with your husband, this is NOT enough. What the fuck is this punishment? They caused grievous bodily injury to a 1 year old. What the fuck did I just read...
churchofdan
I also wouldn't leave them alone with your husband. If people I trusted with my child potentially permanently scarred them on purpose, I'd probably have to be held back to not catch a charge.
BeMandalorTomad
I saw your original post!! I read it out loud to my husband and we both agreed how clever your solution was! I’m so happy that your baby is doing well and your parents clearly understand now. Thank you for sharing!!