'AITA for telling my mom my dead dad can't dance with me at my wedding?'
"AITA for telling my mom my dead dad can't dance with me at my wedding?"
My dad died when I (29f) was 10. My mom's been remarried since I was 14. Her husband is Mike. Mike's fine but he's not my dad. He wanted to be when he married my mom and she wanted that too but I didn't. And because of that there's an underlying tension surrounding my relationship with Mike.
They both felt like I should have allowed him to take on the role of a dad to me and they've always expressed disappointment that I was never open to that. Even though I get along just fine with Mike it wasn't enough. He has no kids so they felt like it was only right that a fatherless girl would try to let a childless man in so we could both have that relationship.
I bring all this up because I know how my mom feels. Two weeks ago Mike asked who I was walking down the aisle with I said I'd be walking myself. Then he asked who I'd choose for the father/daughter dance I said I was considering whether I'd ask mom or not.
It was after this mom told me she thought I'd ask my dad to dance with me because that's tradition. And I knew she was talking about Mike. I knew she didn't mean my actual dad. But my reply was my dead dad can't dance with me at my wedding and I don't know how she thought that would work.
My reply was not well received and my mom told me to stop being a brat and I knew what she meant. I told her I was giving the most honest reply because dad died when I was 10 and there's no possible way for me to dance with him.
She told me she understood what I was doing and it made me a brat. I told her she shouldn't worry I'll ask her, because this helped me make my mind up. She told me I owed Mike an apology and then her once I finished apologizing to him. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
katd82177 said:
The idea of having a father-like relationship with your stepfather should be up to you and him alone. Your mother needs to stop trying to force the issue. Unfortunately weddings have a way of bringing these issues to the forefront of people’s minds.
Agoraphobe961 said:
NTA. It’s been 15+ years, they should learn to take a hint. I’ve seen some women get a little locket/photo holder to attach to their bouquet so that parent can walk down the aisle with them in spirit if you were wanting some way to honor your dad without being over the top about it.
pmw1981 said:
NTA, forced family relationships fail more than they succeed. My dad (stepdad) earned his role because he was willing to get to know me & took interest in my life/hobbies. Neither he nor my mom ever forced anything & our relationship progressed naturally, we always looked at each other as dad & son afterwards.
They can’t expect to push boundaries & disrespect your feelings, then not have you blow up. I’d really like to know what’s going on in your mom’s head that she’s so stubborn & pushy about you ‘moving on’ & calling Mike your dad.
Careless-Image-885 said:
NTA. You're 29. You make the decisions about your life. You have nothing to apologize for. Be ready for the guilt trip to begin. You know she'll try to blackmail you be telling you that if you don't do this, they won't be attending the wedding. Just tell her "Sorry that you can't make it. You'll be missed."
SeaworthinessDue8650 said:
NTA. Your mother tried to manipulate you into letting her husband have something he wanted regardless of what you want. Maybe she is worried that if you deny this chance to him, he'll look for a woman who can give him a child. Don't apologize. They had it coming.
Alternative-Emu-3572 said:
NTA. YOU didn't marry Mike, your mom did. The boundaries of your relationship with him are 100% up to you. She has no right to try to impose a parental relationship on you. You also can just skip the whole "parent/child dance" thing if you want.
Unfortunately yeah kinda YTA. You're an Adult. About to Get Married. Get ahead of the situation by having a little grace. Yes I'm sure your mom/step dad know Exhaustively how he's "not my real dad!" repeated since you were 10 years old. And you say you guys get along fine, and by the sounds of it he doesn't push it.
I was 14 when Mike married my mom, not 10. I was 10 when I lost my dad. And the difference is my mom is still my mom and my parent. I love her even if she drives me cray with this. And yes, it was pushed. I still get along with him. But the whole thing of dad has been pushed. That was more my mom.
Just look at her saying she thought I'd dance with my dad at the wedding. She knows I have never called him dad, never seen him as my dad, we have talked about it before but she still did it. He still hopes for it too and we've had some moments over dad stuff so that's why we don't always get along fine.