'AITA for telling my mom her husband is just the guy she cheated on my dad with?'
"AITA for telling my mom her husband is just the guy she cheated on my dad with?"
My parents divorced when I (27F) was 10 because my mom had an affair. How do I know? Because her affair partner turned husband was also married and his wife at the time showed up at our house after the affair came out both sides and yelled it all over the place.
She had to be removed by the cops and she showed up a few more times over the next two years. My mom blamed my dad for me finding out until I was 14 and I told her I wasn't deaf and could hear that woman outside our house and I wasn't too young to understand what it meant.
My relationship with mom was strained by her affair and I don't give a darn about her husband. He never had kids and tried to play the dad role but I shut him out and put him in his place whenever he tried, by reminding him I have a dad and he doesn't get to take me from dad like he took mom.
And yes I know nobody can take another person. It was my mom's choice and her fault too. But still. It felt extra insulting to try and play parent when he helped destroy my family and dad's marriage to mom.
My dad died when I was 19. It was a very tense time in my relationship with mom because I didn't tell her. She found out after dad's funeral. A part of me was glad because I did not want her to come to the funeral and I certainly didn't want her there with her husband.
My mom was hurt and acted like I owed it to her to let them come, so they could be there for me. I told her their support was not wanted right then. Especially not for losing dad.
Even still she believed that her husband would become the father figure I no longer had with dad gone. And they both expected he would be given father of the bride honors at my wedding. Instead I asked my grandpa and mom blew a fuse when she found out.
She asked me what the hell I was thinking and her husband has been there, raising me, since I was 10 and he is more to me than just some random guy. I told her she was partly right and he's just the guy she cheated on my dad with. Nothing more.
My mom said it was a childish and vindictive way to describe him and that I need to get over it and appreciate how hard he tried with me. She said it's like I'm trying to punish them for the affair when it was nothing to do with me.
I told her this isn't a punishment, this is consequences. And she has to live with them. Same way he does. She's still going crazy about me saying that and I don't feel bad but question if maybe I was a bit of an AH for telling her that. Maybe? AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Why do all cheaters complain about being punished?? I agree that it's mostly natural consequences they face, but even if they were being punished, they have zero right to complain about it. They deserve some punishment. Punish away. NTA.
Because they're self centered and have narcissistic qualities so they can never take accountability and it's everybody else's fault EXCEPT theirs because GOD FORBID they face repercussions/consequences for their actions...everybody else should just "get over it because it's been a long time" LMAO.
EDIT: I always say to people like that.....you want me to forgive you on YOUR time, which just goes to show how selfish you are. That's not how forgiveness works. My forgiveness does not work on YOUR time.
EDIT #2: ALSO....just because I forgive someone internally (for the betterment of myself), doesn't mean we're back at square one. I can forgive you and still not mess with you because I don't owe you anything LMAO.
You're not wrong. Actions have consequences, and your mom can't force you to rewrite how you feel just to make her life more comfortable.
NTA you're really right to call it like it is, and it's understandable why you'd want to set boundaries with someone who contributed to your family's breakdown, how do you think they'd react if you ever needed support from them now?
This part. You’re 27 not 17 and you have clearly thought this through. It kills me when parents don’t think their children are capable of coming to their own conclusions. Like they’re not capable of rational thought.
However, and I say this gently, you do sound very angry still. Have you been to therapy to unpack all of this? Because they can have all the audacity they want, they can get all in their feelings about how entitled they feel, but you don’t have to react as if this matters because it doesn’t.
You are an adult now and about to start your life and create your own family. No is a complete sentence. You’ve made up your mind, after thinking about who you want to take the role on your wedding day since your father isn’t here.
Full stop. If they don’t accept this, they don’t have to be present. I would not entertain this conversation further. This simply is how it’s going to be. They can accept it and celebrate with you, or not.
NTA- Your mom just didn’t cheat on your dad, she cheated on your family, she cheated on you. Her husband’s attempt to play father with you after that are disgusting.
The only impetus for you to put this behind you is for your own health, mental and physical, but your mother should have no expectation that you would ever fully forgive her. Perhaps some people can do that, but is is perfectly ok that you cannot.