Daughter’s frustrations boil over as she calls out years of gender-based double standards; 'I refuse to be a doormat anymore.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to be her daughter anymore?"
For reference I(22f) am the only daughter and I have 3 brothers(14m, 19m, and 29m) and my mother is 50. Since I was a child I have always noticed she was harder on me and expected so much more from me than she ever did from them.
I was a parentified child because my mom worked in a whole other city and came home on weekends. Our relationship was awful because I had to deal with the stress of getting my brothers to school, cooking dinner, getting them to get ready for bed while also managing schoolwork and clubs.
I got into a prestigious school because that was literally my escape and now I’ve graduated and I’m stuck back at home which is fine except for the fact that the house is utterly DISGUSTING and I mean absolutely insane, dishes piled up dust on every surface grime and nasty.
She would lose her mind at me over the smallest piece of lint on the ground and it just irritated me because it’s like wow, you actually never gave a shit about the house being clean, it was always about controlling me.
But I have no money and she isn’t making me pay rent, at least. So I cleaned my room kept it tidy and bought a fridge and stay in my room most of the time. A few days ago she barged into my room calling me selfish for getting a fridge and asked me when I was gonna clean the house?
I went off on her and told her I didn’t want to be her daughter anymore, I wanted to be her son, she has 3 able bodied men in the house and she obviously doesn’t care if they clean so just pretend I am one of them.
She basically went on to say that she is never worried about me, but they need extra help but my thing is you put me into a role before I was ready, expected more of me and coddled them and now you are surprised they can’t take care of themselves.
I think seeing her treat my youngest brother like an actual child, and refuse to give him the same level of responsibility I had at that age made me even more pissed off. I feel bad for what I said because she was obviously hurt and is giving me the silent treatment but the double standard is too much, I refuse to be a doormat anymore. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
She's got some serious internalized misogyny. What you said is 100% accurate, they are capable of cleaning up after themselves, they choose not to because they have that choice, you didn't. That's the only difference. NTA.
skoulold (OP)
Thank you for your reply! And yeah it’s not like I want them to go through what I did but I don’t know why she let them be disgusting for the 4 years I was gone and now that I moved back home it’s my responsibility to clean.
My younger brothers understand it’s not fair but when they do clean it’s so half assed it’s crazy. Like if they wash dishes there will literally still be food on them and I think that’s why she doesn’t bother anymore.
That could be weaponized incompetence. I assume they've been shown the right way to do things? If they don't clean them properly they should be made to do it again until they get it right. It's the dishes for god's sake, it's not hard work, it's not complicated if they can't even manage a task that simple how are they going to manage anything?
Yeah, that's a tough spot. It's totally fair to feel annoyed by the double standards. It's like your mom expects you to be the housemaid just because you're the daughter. It's awesome that you're standing up for yourself! Maybe try talking to her about it when things are calm? If she's willing to listen, cool. If not, don't let her walk all over you. You deserve better! 💖
skoulold (OP)
Thank you for your reply! I am realizing I was the maid because if the house looked like this when I was in school she would have definitely not allowed it. I am willing to clean but my brothers need to clean the mess the made and then we can split it equally from there, idk if she would be receptive to it. Ik she’s expecting an apology but I’m not doing that.
Can you leave? Move out as soon as possible. NTA.
skoulold (OP)
I’m trying😭 I just wish it wasn’t like this because staying at home is honestly the only way to save unless I can find a well paying job.
Nta. In india, it is common for daughters to take responsibility for household chores and boys are given nothing in chores. I was trained to be wife material by my mom and she was hard on me. I don't blame her. She was raised with these values . But she made sure I am educated and helped me in career.
I made sure both of my kids are well learnt and there is no difference between them. I don't want my son to be clueless like his useless father. You have every right to protect yourself.
NTA, being singled out like that would traumatize any child and cause loads of resentment. Your mum has been putting you through her own shit for years, it's time for her to deal with it herself. Sorry you had to go through that, you deserved way better.
NTA. Absolutely it was a hurtful thing to say, but in context you werent saying you didnt want to be HER daughter, it was that you’d prefer to be her son - and with good reason why. I think it is fair and justified.
Unfortunately I think your mum is holding some internalised misogyny & the best thing you can do is keep your head down & move out. It’s not up to you to parent your mother or your brothers!