'AITA for telling my mom I won’t host family dinners anymore after what she did at the last one?'
"AITA for telling my mom I won’t host family dinners anymore after what she did at the last one?"
I (28F) have been the one hosting family dinners for the past year because I’m the only one with a house big enough to fit everyone comfortably. Usually it’s my parents, my brother and his wife, and sometimes my aunt and cousins. It’s a lot of work but I honestly enjoy cooking and having everyone together.
Last weekend, I hosted again. I spent two days prepping a big meal, cleaned the whole place, and even bought extra chairs so everyone would have a seat. Everything was going fine until I noticed my mom in the kitchen while I was serving dessert.
She was whispering with my sister-in-law and then started opening my fridge. When I asked what she was doing, she told me she was “just packing a few leftovers for my brother’s family to take home.
Except it wasn’t a few leftovers. She had pulled out half the main dish I cooked and almost all the dessert before anyone else even had a chance to get seconds. When I said something, she brushed me off and said I was being selfish because family shares and that it shouldn’t matter since I live alone and don’t need all that food anyway.
I was honestly shocked. I told her I wasn’t okay with her deciding what to give away from my kitchen without even asking. She got upset and said she was just trying to be fair since my brother has kids and I don’t. The whole mood of the night got awkward after that, and everyone left pretty quickly.
The next day she texted me saying I embarrassed her in front of the family and that I was being petty over “a little food.” I told her I wasn’t petty, I just felt disrespected, and because of this I don’t want to host dinners anymore if she’s going to act like my house and food are community property.
Now my brother is annoyed with me too, saying I overreacted and that it wasn’t a big deal. I honestly feel like I was right to draw a boundary, but now the whole family is making me out to be dramatic. Am I wrong for putting my foot down and saying I won’t host anymore?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You bought and made the food? You get to decide who gets leftovers and how much they get. Don’t host again.
Gloomy_Cry_9498 (OP)
That’s exactly how I feel. I put the time, money, and energy into making the meal, so I should at least have a say in what happens to it afterward. I think stepping back from hosting for a while is the only way to make that clear.
Boy, do I empathize with this. We started hosting the big family get-togethers like Christmas and Thanksgiving a few years ago, and two years ago, my mother-in-law‘s cousin showed up several hours late after we had put the food away, we got everything back out so they could make their plates, and then they helped themselves to nearly half the leftovers so they could take it home for later.
I didn’t want to make a scene at the time so we didn’t say anything, but mentally I decided that was the last time they were going to be guests in my house. The audacity of some people is amazing to me. I could never imagine just helping myself to leftovers at someone else’s home without asking. NTA.
Gloomy_Cry_9498 (OP)
Wow, that sounds so familiar to what happened with me. It’s wild how some people think leftovers automatically mean free-for-all without even asking the person who actually cooked and hosted. I totally get why you decided not to invite them again, that’s exactly how I felt after this dinner. It’s not even about the food, it’s the complete lack of respect.
Yes, the lack of respect after you open your home to people is so infuriating. Fortunately, in my case, the trash took itself out, and that cousin is no longer attending family events for their own, very entitled reasons. I’m just glad that our guest list for big events has dropped down to something like 20 instead of nearly 30.
Good for you for shutting theft down. If you tell someone to take leftovers home, fine. But nobody gets to decide what leaves your house for someone else's consumption except you.
Gloomy_Cry_9498 (OP)
Exactly! That’s what bothered me most, not the food itself, but that she decided for me what I was okay giving away. I don’t mind sharing at all, but it should always be my choice. Otherwise it just feels like I’m being taken advantage of in my own house.
NTA your mother had absolutely no right to give away the leftovers, that’s your choice and yours alone. You might be single and have no children, but what if you wanted to pack that leftover food for lunch this week? Or freeze it for meals later in the month.
I typically send people home with whatever leftovers there are from the dish they brought although it’s also considered a courtesy to leave that for the host considering they did the majority of the work by having everyone in their home. If you’re the one providing all of the food, your mother should’ve asked you first.
Gloomy_Cry_9498 (OP)
Yes! That’s exactly what frustrated me, she acted like because I don’t have kids, I wouldn’t have a use for the food. But I had planned to portion some of it out for lunches and to freeze for later, because cooking that much does take a lot of time and money. I wouldn’t have minded sending people home with food if she had just asked me first. It’s the assumption and entitlement that stung.
Just dont do it again. You tried, she ruined the vibe, not worth your time, effort, or money. Maybe invite friends over for a dinner party instead if you still get the itch to host a dinner party. I think it was kinda weird for her to jump the gun so soon. Usually the host prepares leftover takeaway containers if they want to part with it.
Nah, u ain't wrong. U spent time, effort and money on that dinner. It's like mom's way outta line treating your pad like a takeout joint and gifting your hard work without even asking. Gotta stick up for yourself dude.
Had this been in a restaurant or any other place, it would've been plain theft. If anything, mom's the one who made it awkward & petty, not u. They gotta respect ur boundaries if they want ur hospitality. Period.