'AITA for telling my mom I won’t take care of her when she’s old after she abandoned me as a kid?' + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my mom I won’t take care of her when she’s old after she abandoned me as a kid?"
I 29f was raised by my dad after my mom walked out on us when I was six. She left to “find herself” and started a new family with another man. She barely kept in touch. No birthdays, no holidays, not even a call when I graduated college.
For most of my life, I accepted that she didn’t want to be my mom and I moved on. Fast forward to a few months ago, out of nowhere, she reached out. At first, I thought maybe she wanted to reconnect and apologize for the past, but no.
She told me she was struggling financially, her health wasn’t great and she needed someone to “step up” and take care of her. Apparently, her husband left and her other kids “weren’t in a position” to help.
I told her flat-out no. I wasn’t going to play caretaker for someone who abandoned me when I needed her. I reminded her that she made her choice years ago and I don’t owe her anything.
She got mad and started crying, saying, “But I’m still your mother! You can’t just throw me away like I’m nothing!” I don’t feel guilty. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. But part of me wonders if I really am being too harsh. AITA for refusing to take care of the one who abandoned me even she is my mother and we share the same blood?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Why are you even talking to her if she abandoned you as a kid?
l0veandhap1ness (OP)
I really thought she would reconcile with me but it seems you just contacted me because she needed something.
NTA you don’t owe her anything. She made her bed time to sleep in it!
l0veandhap1ness (OP)
I was willing to forgive her but there was a darker picture behind why she wants to reconnect with me.
NTA.
“You can’t throw me away like I’m nothing” is deliciously hypocritical from someone who did precisely that to you.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
It's been a day since a posted here and I'm very thankful to all of you who shared their thoughts on it. I just want to share what happened in the past 24 hours. She was still blowing up my phone with guilt trips, telling me I was “heartless” and that she “did the best she could.” When I didn’t respond, she turned to extended family.
Suddenly, I was getting messages from relatives I hadn’t spoken to in years, telling me I was a “disgrace” and that “family is family, no matter what.” One aunt even said, “You’ll regret this when she’s gone.”
But the real kicker? I found out from my dad that she’s been telling people that she was forced to leave when I was a kid, painting herself as the victim in all this. She claimed my dad “turned me against her” and that she always wanted to be in my life, but I “never let her.” That was the moment I knew I made the right decision.
I sent her one final message:
“You abandoned me. You don’t get to come back now and demand my love and care like nothing happened. I owe you nothing.” Then I blocked her.
I don’t feel bad. If anything, I feel lighter. I feel free. I feel happy.
-loveandhappiness signing-off-
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
That’s honestly the perfect way to handle a terrible situation. Glad you stood up for yourself!
I agree! Now she suddenly remembers she’s a mother? Get the hell outta here with that nonsense. Family isn’t just blood, it’s showing up, and she sure as hell didn’t. Now that life kicked her in the ass, she wants someone else to fix it? Nah, she made her bed, she can damn well lie in it.
Always in a situation where relatives are saying "Family are Family". Explain to each and every one of them, that you will do the exact same amount as they do, right after they do it first.
Tell the truth to those relatives that message you on your mothers behalf. If they dont listen, just block them too. Your mother is the disgrace here, not you. If your mother wouldn't have the issues you mentioned, she hadn't even recontacted you. Just shows how little she cared. Your mother chose not to be part of your life, now she has to live with it. You owe her nothing.
Good for you. You set a boundary and stood your ground. Your mother made her choices, and you don’t owe her anything. The way she tried to manipulate the situation—guilt trips, lies, and enlisting flying monkeys—just proves that cutting her off was the right move. Stay strong, and enjoy your freedom.
Good for you! NTA. This feels like an FAFO moment for your "mother." This was possibly the closure you've needed for the last 23 years. Also, as far as the other relatives are concerned, they can "step up" and help her. I'll bet that the convo gets real quite once you make that suggestion to them. Go live your life. The best revenge is to live well.
Why are these relatives not stepping up to care for her? They're family too. Why is it only your burden? You definitely should set the record straight with these idiots before you block them too. Let them know the tale she's telling that paints your mom as the victim is a lie and ask if they would like to know the actual truth.
You did good! The best way to handle narcissism and manipulation is to not entertain them, don’t give them an inch and by setting firm boundaries. The fact that she didn’t take full accountability and responsibilities for her actions and their consequences shows that her remorse is surface level.