'AITA for refusing to go no contact with my aunt and uncle and telling mom I'd rather go no contact with her and her family?'
"AITA for refusing to go no contact with my aunt and uncle and telling mom I'd rather go no contact with her and her family?"
My dad died when I (20m) was 5. My mom didn't like my dad's siblings so she stopped me seeing them for over a year and they had to go to court and fight for the right to see me through what's considered grandparents visitation but can be applied to other bio relatives who has a significant role in your life prior to the death of your parent.
It was shown to be in my best interest to maintain the relationship with my aunt and uncle so they won and got to see me twice a month. My mom ended up remarrying and her husband's finances were a mess when they met.
He also had (I think) 3 kids he was supposed to pay for and didn't but also didn't see. Then him and my mom had kids together. My aunt and uncle knew about the financial issues so they would buy school supplies for me, put money into my school lunch account or give me the money to do it if there was any issue with them doing it directly. They also bought me essentials when I was with them.
My mom told them that they couldn't see me anymore if they didn't buy for the other kids. But my aunt and uncle brought up the visitation order. My mom tried to remove their visitation and even used the fact both were now married and now I had an extra aunt and uncle, but mom said they were strangers who shouldn't be around me.
My uncle argued that her husband was a stranger who shouldn't have been brought into my life. She said getting another dad is different to an aunt or uncle's spouse. I told mom I didn't have another dad. She blamed my "disrespect" on my aunt and uncle.
Finances at mom's house kept getting worse and because of my aunt and uncle I never suffered as bad. Mom was pissed because she wasn't allowed to keep me away from them legally and couldn't afford to move to get me away from them.
There were times all the food at mom's house was from a food bank or soup kitchen. Clothes and other stuff were provided by charities. I never had to struggle as much. My mom made a point of telling me my aunt and uncle were disgusting people for letting my half siblings do without.
When I turned 18 I moved in with some friends and distanced myself from my mom and I saw my aunt and uncle more. It bothered mom a lot. She told me she didn't understand me having a relationship with them when they would let my half siblings starve. I told her they had no obligation to kids not related to them.
After a couple of years of this and me ignoring mom 99% of the time she's demanding I go no contact with my aunt and uncle so I can be her son and her kids' brother. She said I should be disgusted that they wouldn't take care of my family and siblings I love.
I told her I would never go no contact with my aunt and uncle and I'd rather go no contact with her and her family and that I was shocked she didn't pick up on that since I haven't seen her kids in more than two years and hardly ever respond to her texts or DMs.
Mom said my half siblings don't deserve this and that she certainly doesn't. I told her she wrecked our stability by marrying her AH of a husband and after that she had no right to expect me to show that kind of loyalty. She started going off in my DMs so I muted her and now I'm just considering my options. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
As an adult you can choose your family. You can also decide to cut some members out. Go NC with your bio mom and let her fester in the mess she created. Go live your best life with those who truly care about you and your well being. NTA.
Ziggylooloo (OP)
That's something I really enjoy doing already. My friends who I live with are family to me and me to them. We all come from less than perfect homes. My aunts and uncles have also become their honorary aunts and uncles.
NTA, your mom is reaping what she sowed, NC is maybe even too friendly, I'm surprised no one called CPS on them. Live your life with positive people around you!
Ziggylooloo (OP)
My aunt and uncle actually did once. They were concerned because of how tight things were and my mom refused to let them send stuff over for me.
NTA. Your mom seems controlling & immature AF. She tried to cut off the only people that supported you & then blamed them for her other kids not having basic necessities. Now that you don’t live with her she’s trying to make YOU feel bad for HER not being able to get her life together.
Sounds like a master of trying to avoiding accountability to me. Your aunt & uncle seem like good people, definitely keep em close. Your siblings will understand when they’re older & can see through your mom’s terrible behaviour.
It sounds that everything is extremely clear for you. You have a good understanding of what cannot be expected from your aunt and uncle, of what is fair, and of the poor choices your mother made in her life.
Sounds like she is very self centered honestly, and incapable of empathy or self awareness… You are doing well by keeping your distance, and not be dragged into a toxic environment anymore.
I love that your aunt and uncle fought to keep a relationship with you throughout all these years, and that you guys bonded over time. Your mum had no right to ban them from your life. Again, an example of how self centered she is. Chances are she won’t change. Good for you that you are becoming a responsible adult.