'AITA for telling my mom I won’t do my little brother’s high school graduation photos?'
"AITA for telling my mom I won’t do my little brother’s high school graduation photos?"
I (29F) have an issue with the types of photos that my mother (48F) wants me to take of my little brother (17M) for his senior graduation photos. For context, my mom and I have a very rocky relationship. I moved in with my dad at 17 due to the way my mom treated me growing up and I have since been in therapy to process my childhood.
We are currently on speaking terms as I learn to set boundaries and protect my brothers who still live with her. I’m a photographer and usually take family photos for graduation and prom. So my mom recently reached out to schedule my youngest brother’s graduation photos and she created a Pinterest board with ideas.
When I looked, I immediately felt uncomfortable as some of the photos are of shirtless men in lifeguard uniforms: models and actors like Chase Crawford, Zac Efron, David Hasselhoff and Jason Momoa posing like Baywatch ads.
Yes, my brother works as a lifeguard in the summer, so I could understand wanting to include that part of his life in his senior photos, but the specific style of these photos seems inappropriate to me.
When I brought this up, she deflected and defended herself instead of acknowledging how strange it was. She also often comments on my brother’s looks and body, telling him to show off his abs, which has always made me feel uneasy. When I confronted her, she said, “I compliment all of my children. I tell them all how attractive/beautiful/handsome they are,” as if that excused it.
I asked her “If a father made a Pinterest board of girls in revealing lifeguard uniforms, and wanted similar photos of his daughter, wouldn’t that seem inappropriate?” She still refused to see the issue.
She later claimed my brother agreed with her saying, “Yes, I want to do lifeguard pictures. I think the shirtless ones are appropriate because that’s my job and that’s how I dress every day at work, but I’ll probably wear my hoodie because I don’t look like those guys. I think that she’s just worried that you’re making me do something I don’t want to do, but you’re in the right. It’s not weird.”
I know firsthand how she manipulates conversations and we learned to say whatever keeps her calm. It’s easy to recognize the tone of self-protection in those words if they did come from his mouth. So, AITA for telling my mom I won’t do my little brother’s high school graduation photos?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
KalitheBlaze wrote:
Just an idea…why don’t you talk to your brother, do this as a siblings day out (without mom!), and take the pics he actually wants? If your mom complains, you can tell her that taking good photos happens when the person being photographed is having a good time and they’re having a good rapport with the photographer, so you’re going to take him out for a nice day and take some good pics.
If she complains after you’ve taken the pics, you can tell her that you and your brother agreed on the artistic vision, and you’re really pleased with how much he looks like the best, most honest version of himself, because he got to decide what he wanted to look like.
Howlpen wrote:
Not sure on this one because while I lean NTA, it wouldn’t be that unusual in my area for someone on the water polo, swim, crew, or surf teams. My mom friends are not sharing the photos with each other- that would be odd if that’s your mom’s intention- but the teens share them with each other.
I’d ask your brother if this is something that the guys at his school are doing and if it’s something he’d like that you could send directly to him, and leave your mom out of the conversation.
ThisWillAgeWell wrote:
NTA, but to avoid prolonging or escalating this conflict, I would shift the parameters. Your brother is near as dammit an adult, and is absolutely allowed to decide what photos are and are not taken of him.(In fact, even if he were a young child, he STILL should be allowed significant input into that decision.
No parent should ever allow a photo to be taken of a child that makes the child uncomfortable, no matter how much the parent wants it. There are a few unflattering photos of me as a child that I wish had never been taken, or at least thrown away as soon as they got developed. But buying film and getting it developed was expensive when I was a child, so my family threw away nothing.)
So given that it should be his decision, I would pull back from this argument from your mother. I would stop trying to convince her that it's inappropriate - not because you're necessarily wrong, but because you'll never convince her. It's an argument you'll never win, so you might as well save your breath.
Instead I would tell her "Younger Brother is the subject of these photos, and the subject always gets the final say. So I will take the photos that HE wants taken.
Neither you nor I are allowed a say in that."
And I would have a private word with Younger Brother, saying the same thing, warning him that your mom might try to manipulate him or emotionally blackmail him ("How COULD you refuse your own mother!"), helping him develop strategies to deal with that, emphasizing that HE has complete control so don't worry, there is no way on this earth you're going to take a photo that he isn't 100% comfortable with.
If your mom is right and he is indeed comfortable with these photos, he'll probably suggest them himself. If YOU'RE right and she has lied about what he said, he'll appreciate your support. Either way, he'll end up with graduation photos he's happy with. Whether your mom is happy with them is another story, but in this particular situation, he matters more than she does.
Mandiezie1 wrote:
NTA and you’re absolutely right. It’s weird. And talk to your brother alone and see what he tells you directly. You shouldn’t repeat what he says to you but you could hear him out. I’d rather have a private convo with my little bro than to listen to my mom who is sounding like a p******e at this point. If you indeed think this, then she isn’t worth having a relationship with at all.
Dustyowl32 wrote:
NTA.
Sounds like she either:
Wants to sell them making money off her teenage son's body.
She is attracted to her son and wants them like her own pinup boy.
Either way it's her son who is also underage and THAT'S F#$KED UP. I'd say f no and secretly ask your bother if he needs a safe place to stay.