'AITA for telling my mom she owes me $20,000. And that I don’t owe her money for school?'

"AITA for telling my mom she owes me $20,000. And that I don’t owe her money for school?"

I (F20) and my mother (F56) have always had a pretty bipolar relationship. I grew up in a very loving household that different from what most people may consider to be standard. My dad (M66) is a paraplegic and was a stay at home dad growing up, making my mom the main source of income. His paralysis also means that it took a lot of effort for my mom to have my twin sister and I.

Since I can remember, all the pay checks I have made have went to her to help pay for expenses. Birthday money, graduation gifts, and work paychecks have all went directly to her. She claims it’s to pay off the expenses that I cause her; like food, housing, gas money, elaborate vacations, clothes and so on.

Recently I have been in college at a private university that costs quite a bit of money. My grandfather, my moms dad, was a very wealthy person and when he died he left my mom a very large sum of money in order to cover our college expenses, which is stated in his will.

Since being in school I have also worked two part time jobs in order to pay for my own food and gas and other things. Recently though my mom has been demanding I pay for my college as well (about $20K a semester) because she didn’t know that having kids meant spending this much money.

I totaled up how much I’ve given her and just on my paychecks over the past three years alone the total comes out to $30K (I subtracted about $10K because I know some of it I have spent on myself). My mom responded to me pointing this out by saying that I still should take on my own responsibilities and that she won’t be paying me back.

I’m applying to graduate school this year and planning on moving away, so I was hoping to have enough money saved up to support myself but without her paying me back I won’t be able to. She said if she pays me back then that’s the end of our relationship, she’ll hand me a check and then cut contact completely.

I told her I don’t owe her money for school, because my grandfather left more than enough to cover it and she refuses to use it. She said I’m ab*sing her and should respect her more for choosing to support me for this long.

AITA??

Here's what people had to say to OP:

low-butterscotch-433 wrote:

NTA. Time to lawyer up, buttercup. Where's your inheritance? Sounds like she's either spent it all or wants it all to herself.

OP responded:

I don’t want to share the exact dollar amount. But it’s enough, I think it’s partly her wanting it for herself, and partly her not wanting to accept the fact her dad has passed. (It was 12 years ago).

Archaic-Giraffe wrote:

What puzzles me is that you start out your narrative with, “I grew up in a very loving household….” No part of the information you posted sounds loving.

OP responded:

I meant more of my dad as being loving lol he’s an amazing human being who made sure I had everything I wanted. But I see your point.

GoalOld5468 wrote:

If your dad is disabled, you were also getting a check from the govt for your living expenses until you turned 18 so she’s probably been using that money & your paychecks. She shouldn’t be taking both of those from you & also your inheritance. I’d get a copy of the will & talk to an atty. I’d take the money she owes you back & go no contact with her. Then, I’d take her to court for the tuition money.

OP responded:

Hi so clearing things up yes my dad gets paid disability but we are not on Medicare (my mom has a job that covers all forms of insurance for the whole family). My dad also has a left over amount from his settlement (he was paralyzed in an accident).

mirrored_self1648 wrote:

OMG does she know she is risking charges against her with what she's saying? Tell her, try to have at least one decent conversation with her and yeah, go to a lawyer for clearing it out. NTA.

OP responded:

I think she has this idea I’m too scared of her to do anything. Which I was up until this point but these responses have helped me see I wasn’t being some horrible unloving child.

40ish75 wrote:

How old were you when you first started working and handing over paychecks?

OP responded:

For the paychecks - 15. But Christmas presents and birthday presents (at least cash wise) went to her since I started getting them.

not4loveormoney wrote:

NTA. Get a lawyer and make sure you're getting everything grandpa left you. She doesn't get to decide if she is going to give you money that is legally yours. Who is the executor of grandpa's will? That is the person you need to talk to - the executor is supposed to ensure the conditions of the will are carried out. And to take appropriate action if your mother stole it.

MinnGranny wrote:

You need to speak with an attorney that specializes in wills & trusts. If it can be proven that your grandfather left money specifically in his will for your college education and that your mom has not been doing that, you have a chance at getting the court to order the money taken out of your mom's control and put into a court appointed trust account. Best of luck to you, NTA.

rora_borealis wrote:

NTA. She has a LEGAL OBLIGATION to cover your needs until you are an adult. You weren't building up debt with her. She was fulfilling her legal obligation.

I'm not sure it's worth maintaining a relationship with someone who can't see you as family, just as an expense.