'AITA for telling my mom that she is the reason I don't want to have kids?'
"AITA for telling my mom that she is the reason I don't want to have kids?"
Appropriate-Quit-635
I (22F) have a rocky relationship with my mom. She was extremely mentally & emotionally abusive in my teenage years. We fought multiple times a day. I was under immense pressure to perform in tennis & my academics.
I would be screamed at if my grades weren't perfect. I was berated for not trying hard enough, even after I was diagnosed with ADD, got meds, and straight A’s. She would also weigh me on a weekly basis and scold me when I gained weight, and she sent me to fat camp multiple times as a kid.
She even made me be a camp counselor to “lose some weight before college” and refused to pick me up when everyone quit and I was left to run the camp by myself, I was only 19. Nothing I did was ever good enough.
Freshman year of HS I had a new tennis coach. I was very close to my coach, and a year later he was shot & we lost him. His death hit me like a train- I felt that I had lost a crucial male figure in my life.
My mom refused to let me miss any school bc "high school is too important". I became depressed & she accused me of being on drugs & threatened to drug test me.
I was absolutely gutted by the lack of trust- I had never done any drugs or alcohol. She finally put me in group therapy at my school, but pulled me out shortly after when she realized I was being taken out of class for it.
She told me that "God took [my coach] away from me because I didn't appreciate him enough." To this day I cannot go into a church without bawling & thinking that God hates me & took away someone I cared so much about.
During our fights I would tell her that when I went to college I would cut communication off with her forever. My dad told me to write my mom a letter telling her how I felt & I wrote that I would never have kids because I didn’t want them around her.
Since then she has been making a huge effort to mend our relationship & fix herself, and recently our relationship has been good. She still makes a few remarks here & there, and being with her in person leads to a few fights, but overall it is night & day.
My parents have been asking me when I am going to get married & have kids because they want to be grandparents. I haven't been in a relationship in over 3 years and I'm not seeing anyone.
I told my mom that I don't think I want to have kids and she called me "selfish". She told me that her & my dad are gutted that I would deprive them of being grandparents and said it's "not fair" that I am still punishing her for her past mistakes.
She also asked me how I expect to find a husband if I don't want to have children. Although I initially said those things to hurt my mom, I really don't know if I want to have kids.
I know that she has made a real effort and change to fix our relationship, but I still hold some resentment towards her from the past. She cries thinking about the fact that she might not be a grandmother, and I can't help but feel bad that I would be depriving her of that and unfairly punishing my dad when she has made a real effort to change. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ChibiSailorMercury
First of all, there is ONLY ONE reason to ever become a parent and it's "I want to experience parenthood and nurture at least one child, making them a functional member of society" and the only reason to take the leap is "I have the financial, emotional, energy and time resources to pursue that goal." Period.
So, if you're not emotionally interested in having children, you'd do you and those potential children a great disservice by having them because your parents feel entitled to be grand parents. NO ONE is owed grandkids. They are not a prize you get, they are not an achievement. They are people.
joosdeproon
NTA. You are a mixed up kid who has been abused and raised in a hostile environment. You. Don't. Owe. Your. Parents. Grandkids. You don't. You may one day decide you want them, or not. You may pair-bond with someone, or not. It's your life, not your parents'. You. Also. Don't. Owe. Your. Mom. Forgiveness.
plantprinses
Look, first off, you're not depriving your parents of anything. They don't have a right to grandchildren. Yes, they want them and no, their wish doesn't constitute an obligation on your part. They have their lives, you have yours and only you decide what your live looks like.
Besides, what do your parents want to do with grandchildren? Treat them the way they treated you? Would you want that for your children? Perhaps they treat your children the complete opposite, but what does that tell you about your parents? That they didn't make the effort with you. Do you think they're even suitable as grandparents? They failed as parents, so why would this be different.
Tree_Chemistry_Plz
NTA. Sweetie, your mom hasn't changed all that much if she's still trying to make you feel guilty in order to manipulate you. She might have improved the way she behaves and reacts to situations but she still expects you to obey her no matter what opinions or desires you have for your own life.
You're 22, there is so much life ahead of you to live. Are there 22 year olds getting married and having babies? sure, but not every one does, and you dont have to either. You barely know who you are as an individual and being pressured to get married and start a family before you know who you isn't a good way to live your life.
balarie50
All other issues aside, here is the brass tax ( from the mother of two grown sons). You are not obligated to have children just to make your parents happy. Keep repeating that and when you falter repeat it again. Having children is a personal decision that you and your partner should make based solely on what is right for both of you. It’s not a committee decision. NTA.