'AITA for telling my mom that I will never trust her with future relationships?'
"AITA for telling my mom that I will never trust her with future relationships?"
I (26M) told my mom (67F) about a year ago that I could not trust her when it came to any future relationships. My mom and I had been talking about a trip where I had met a woman. My mom then asked if there were any plans for her to visit so she could meet her.
I decided to be up front and told her I wasn't sure if I would introduce anyone to her. When she asked why, I told her that due to how she had treated my last partner I did not feel I could trust her with any future partners.
She went to her room in tears. I've gone on many dates since then and never mention any of them to my mom. She thinks I haven't dated anyone for the last 4 years.
In reality, she is simply the only one I don't tell. I do tell my dad and sisters, asking they do not share with mom. Now for some context on my mom's behavior in that long-term relationship:
I dated Amy (fake name) for 6+1/2 years. My mom was great in the 1st year, showing interest in Amy and trying to bond with her. After that 1st year, Amy was kicked out of her family's house and my dad let her move into my room without charging us anything. (mom and dad live separately)
Amy lived in my room for about 8 months until she moved out. The whole time, my mom complained about everything Amy did or did not do. At first, she only complained to me, but then moved on to complaining to Amy herself.
The complaining became such an issue that Amy and I decided she was better off getting her own place, where I soon joined after. After moving out, my mom found other things to complain about. She blamed Amy for us moving out and also being the reason we were barely able to afford renting a place.
She started making comments about how Amy was gaining weight to our faces (we both were due only affording cheap food), called her a "druggie" to me when she overheard my sister and Amy talking about weed, and a "faker" when she got injured in an accident and couldn't work.
Eventually it escalated to the point where due to my mom's disrespect, I told her to stay away from Amy and I. Here is the worst incident: Amy joined me to help dad unload some furniture.
We were surprised to find my mom also there. At one point, I left Amy with my mom for about 30 seconds to help my dad. When I came back, my mom had an oddly large grin on her face while Amy was silent.
After we left, Amy burst into tears. She told me she couldn't tell me what my mom had said to her as she didn't want to ruin the relationship between my mom and I. Half a decade later, I still do not know what was said.
Amy was not perfect, but my mom had crossed the line multiple times. We tried talk to my mom about respecting Amy and even went no-contact with her due to her behavior.
Problem is that my mom is in the early stages of Dementia. She retains most of her memory but many of the situations I've mentioned she claims didn't happen. This makes holding her accountable a problem. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Narcissists always forget what they did and said. It has nothing to do with dementia.
NTA. Good strategy, keep on with it.
If you can’t hold her accountable, preventing her from doing harm is your only option.
Early stage dementia does not mean she cannot remember all the things she said to Amy.
You have made a wise decision. NTA.
NTA- Your mom doesn't think she did anything wrong to Amy and has probably been looking forward to a new victim for years. But now she's gone into victim mode because you've dashed her hopes. The dementia will definitely make things worse, so protect any future partners a keep mom far away from them.
Question OP is she like super weird and close with you?
Like comments on your body or forced you to be physically close with you. Or weirdly controlling. Has she ever made you leave time with your partner to do something for her. Or made a scene out of something small to get your attention.
Geralt_of_Trivias (OP)
She is always wanting to spend time with me, but not in a super weird way or trying to get physically close to me. No comments on my body I would call inappropriate. As you can imagine, she has a dwindling number of friends due to her behavior and tends to feel lonely because of that. At most it’s wanting to watch movies or tv together because I usually work all day and only come home to sleep, then repeat.
NTA. I hope Amy is doing better now. But you really should have cut your Mom off way before it got to that point. Sorry, but your mom is toxic and dementia or not. It's not an excuse for being an awful person.
Seems like she can't stand not having control over you and loves to play mind games to drive off your partners. Carry on as you are. It's a consequence of her own actions, which were pure evil.
NTA... You’re justified in protecting your future relationships from your mom’s toxic behavior trust is earned, and it’s clear she hasn’t shown that she can be respectful. Your feelings are valid, especially given how she treated Amy.
NTA. This is how my boyfriends mom treats me. I am the terrible person who took her baby boy away from her simply for the fact I exist. Good for you for protecting your partners from this. I speak from experience when I say it doesn’t just hurt the relationship, it can destroy our self esteem long after the relationship ends.
Geralt_of_Trivias (OP)
Yes, this is more of the vibe I felt. Amy was “ruining her baby boy”. I was just reminded that when my mother found out Amy and I were intimate, apparently she cried at a family event so every single member of my family knew. She had thought Amy was my first. (She wasn’t.)