'AITA for telling my mom's boyfriend his son is not my responsibility?'
"AITA for telling my mom's boyfriend his son is not my responsibility?"
My (M20) parents divorced when I was 16, and it was messy. I live with my mom now and, her boyfriend "Mark" (43), and Marks son "Liam" (11). I'm in my second year of college, which is its own special kind of stress with exams and projects.
The dynamic is fine, usually. Mark is okay, but he has a habit of assuming I'm a newly acquired babysitter. Liam is a good kid, but wasn't raised properly (which is another entire thing) and he's just 11. He's energetic, loud, and is very impersonal and doesn't understand the concept of personal space yet.
The issue happened this past Saturday. I had a massive assignment due on Monday morning, and I was planning on spending the entire weekend at the library on campus.
On Saturday morning, as I'm packing my bag, Mark comes to me to let me know he and my mom are going away and I need to keep an eye on Liam. I was immediately stressed, so I told him I can't and that I have to go to uni to focus on my uni work.
He waved me off and said its fine and I should take him along with me to campus and keep him busy on the tablet. immediately I was like heck no, I'm not taking an 11 year old kid to my university while I need to focus on a big submission.
I said no, trying to be firm, saying that I cannot be responsible for him for an entire day at my uni, and I asked if he couldn't stay at a friends or at his grandma's or mom's house.
Marks face fell and he looked genuinely annoyed. He told me its just one day and that trying to organise stuff with other parents and family would be too much of a hassle, and that the least I could do was help out.
I couldn't take it honestly, so I snapped. I've been under a lot of pressure for printing assignments and group work etc, and that was lowk the last straw. I told him that Liam is HIS son, not mine, he is NOT my responsibility, I didn't choose to have a kid when I wasn't ready and my only obligation is to get my degree and move out.
They both went silent for a bit, visibly upset and after a while Mark just said its fine and that I shouldn't bother asking them favours in the future. My mom later that day texted me and said I was disrespectful and hurtful, which I did lose my temper slightly but I feel like they had no right to try and force Liam as my responsibility so last minute. AITA for what I said?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Be one thing if they had asked in advance and you agreed. But springing it last minute? Also followed up by the emotional manipulation of well don’t ask us any more favors? Hard pass. Not your kid, not your responsibility. Don’t feel bad saying no and setting boundaries. Your education has to be the priority and come first.
NTA I’d text your mom “I was headed out the door to campus when he announced I was babysitting. I had specific things I needed to do but he said I could just take Liam, who is high energy and noisy to the campus library. So I said no. It’s frustrating that Mark believes I am the on call sitter and whatever else I’m doing will accommodate that.
If I’m going to manage graduating, I need to be able to plan around anything I do for you both. It doesn’t mean I won’t contribute, it does mean that I am not Liam’s parent, whose care I have to schedule around.
I do not think it’s disrespectful to tell Mark that since it’s a recurring issue and I was upset as I have school deadlines. I can contribute in various ways, just not at the last minute unless it’s an emergency.”
Nta. Mark is using you and being lazy. He had other options and this wasn't an emergency. You did well to nip this in the bud.
NTA, of course. You need to say nothing else than "No." And do not forget, Mark and Liam are NOT YOUR FAMILY, even by marriage to your mom yet. HE IS MOM'S BOYFRIEND! To just presume that another adult in the home is automatically able to just "take care of" your child is the height of arrogance.
Please remember that if they ever try to just "leave" Liam with you without your express consent, that is called child abandonment and is a crime. If Mark or even your mom gets pushy about it all remind them of this fact - you only have to call the cops who can call CPS. I'd plan on moving out as soon as you can, or perhaps move in with a more sympathetic relative until you can be independent.
NTA. It was inappropriate for Mark to spring it on you last minute and expect you to drop everything. It’s also not your fault you snapped; you tried to speak reasonably and he didn’t want to listen. You should also know that your living situation could become difficult. Be prepared by making plans.
NTA. At first I interpreted this as Mark being your stepdad, and then I realized that he’s your mom’s boyfriend. So the fact that this is the expectation is even more not ok. Mark is massively overstepping and unfortunately your mom is letting him. Have you tried talking to her about it when Mark isn’t around?
NTA. They dropped this on you at the last minute. That’s disrespectful to you and your time. You are not a built in babysitter. Just because your mom is offended doesn’t make her right. They overstepped big time and waited til the last minute thinking they could just dump him on you. No way.