'AITA for telling my mother-in-law not to say something to my toddler in front of family?'
"AITA for telling my mother-in-law not to say something to my toddler in front of family?"
My husband, our daughters (2y and 5m) my brother in law, his wife, their kids, and my mother-in-law recently stayed in the same air b&b. At one point, my MIL was supervising my 2-year-old at the dining room table which had become a craft/game table, while I was a few steps away in the kitchen cleaning up.
I know my MIL likes when I ask her to be in charge of watching my daughter and my husband is frequently requesting that I ask my MIL to help more so she feels involved.
I saw from the kitchen that my daughter had grabbed a dice and put it in her mouth. Her grandma missed it because she was chatting and her head was turned. I ran over as calmly as i could because I didn’t want to make it a game, hooked the dice out, and corrected my daughter. It was not a huge deal.
Afterward and when I was already back in the kitchen, my MIL said to my daughter something along the lines of “that’s bad and you are too old to be putting stuff in your mouth.”
Without really thinking, I said, “don’t say that to her, I don’t like that,” and kind of half-laughed when I said it. I made it light, I think. However, this happened in front of the group, but I’m not sure anyone other than my husband & SIL clocked it- everyone was sorting their own thing. I didn’t intend to embarrass my MIL, and I don’t think she meant any harm.
She probably thought she was reinforcing a safety rule. I also totally respect the fact that she safely raised my husband, so I don’t want to come off like I’m the expert mom and she doesn’t know anything. That said, since the situation was already resolved, I had already corrected, and my daughter is only two, the comment felt shaming to me rather than protective.
It just wasn’t in line with how my husband and I are parenting my daughter. I also sort of took it as a dig to me (why doesn’t she know better yet?) But, the bigger picture was that I didn’t like the tone towards my daughter and I had already handled it with her. In hindsight, I wonder if I should have let it go and I regret not biting my tongue. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Illustrious-Shirt569 wrote:
NAH. You both had the same goal of keeping your daughter safe. Your parenting style avoids using shame as a motivator, but that was pretty much the norm for the generation older than us.
“Why can’t you be more like Jimmy? He’s not doing that” or “Be a big girl and…” are things we also don’t say to our kids, but at some point early on we explained why we try to avoid those kind of statements with our own parents so that the grandparents could understand and help use the same methods.
OP responded:
This comment hits the nail on the head for me and what I’m trying to say :) point taken and I will have that convo.
spallanzani333 wrote:
YTA, what she said was maaaaybe phrased on the edge of being more shame-y than I prefer to be with my kids, but correcting her in front of everyone was a huge overreaction. I don't even think what she said would warrant a private talk. She didn't tell your daughter that she's bad, she said the action is bad and your daughter is too old to do that.
The 'too old for' rubs me a tiny bit the wrong way, but certainly not enough to warrant what you said. Adults handles kids differently, and you can't expect her to be your parenting clone. Kids adapt and benefit from seeing those kinds of differences.
Yes, there are lines--no physical correction, no yelling, no namecalling, no withholding food, etc. But don't correct things because they just aren't phrased quite the way you like them. That's exhausting.
OP responded:
I don’t disagree with your POV and I appreciate the time and consideration you put into this comment, especially the last paragraph which offers a perspective I hadn’t considered (re: kids seeing other styles). I’ll marinate on that.
One point to address is that I’m pretty soft spoken in general either low key or upbeat! So, mine wasn’t a stern comment to my MIL as far as tone goes. It was more of a “cmmonnnn, nawwww” tone lol.
Just to paint the picture.
Affectionate_Beach45 wrote:
YTA. You did to your MIL exactly what you asked her not to do to your daughter. The way you talk about her is so patronizing. You sound exhausting. This is your first kid. Your MIL has been there, done that. Be grateful for the help. If you had to say something, it should have been in a private conversation, not in front of an audience. The bigger issue here is that your toddler was playing with dice in the first place.
Spare-Article-396 wrote:
YTA.
You shouldn’t have admonished her the way you did in front of everyone. ‘Don’t do that, I don’t like that’ sounds bossy AF. And then with a half laugh? Ugh.
You could have pulled her aside privately and told her why you took issue with it. If she’s a normal person, she would have probably apologized, even if it was hollow. But instead, you did this public passive aggressive admonishment.
Which idk, I guess is your right if you’re only interested in pulling the mom card power struggle. But if you’re actually interested in having a relationship with her, you fumbled the ball imo.
Sunsetonthehorizon wrote:
You are seriously concerned with shaming when your kid could have chocked on some dice. I'll take shame over a d**d kid any day. Shame tells you what you are doing is wrong, it's not always a bad thing.