'AITA for telling my mother that she wasn't the victim in her marriage.' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my mother that she wasn't the victim in her marriage."
I (28f) has always had a pretty dysfunctional relationship with my mother (58f)... pretty much my whole childhood, along with my 4 other (now adult) siblings have been pretty dysfunctional. My parents got together a year before I was born, got married when I was 9, and then stayed together until I was around 16 .
During this time period, they split up every 1-2 years and then would get back together. We had to move houses, change jobs, move schools...everything...every 1-2 years. It was turbulent as a child and it was always my mom's doing.
She would threaten to leave because of something my dad was doing or wasn't doing per her standards, and then he would fail her expectations and she would dip, and then my father would attempt to win her back and so on.
When I was 14 my parents purchased what we thought was going to be our forever home. It was a beautiful big farmhouse with a basement in old town Florida. A true gem. It was being foreclosed on and so my parents got it for a really cheap contract. My father at the time had his own landscaping business, with my siblings and cousins as groundsmen and general employees.
My mother was going to dental school and living off financial aide. Life was pretty okay. Until my mother reconnected with an old co-worker from 8 years prior and they developed romantic feelings behind my father's back.
My mother doesn't realize I knew of this tidbit.They secretly canoodled and spoke on the phone for a year and my dad caught her multiple times until I think it affected him mentally.
He stopped going on leads, he stopped booking jobs, he stopped paying his employees, and just overall kind of seemed like he gave up. I could see this as a 14 year old bystander and so I KNOW she saw this.
We weren't getting a lot of money flowed into the household. We ended up being a couple months behind on rent .. or whatever payments was agreed to in contract. The plan was to pay off rent every month until the house was put up for auction and then the money we paid would be pulled from escrow and would go towards what we would bid on the house.
I'm not entirely sure how it was agreed upon, but my father didn't have money to put down for 3 months. My mom kept telling him that if we lost this house, that this would be it. She was gone for good.
My mom got her income tax in month 4 and decided to get a one bedroom apartment across town and paid for 8 months rent on it in advance. She left all of us in this house and lived by herself.
A month after that the house was bought back from the bank and we were police escorted from the home and we lost everything. My mom moved in with her old coworker and they're still together to this day.
Fast forward 15 years later and she STILL brings up how she'll never forgive my father for losing that house and ruining her whole life. She constantly brings up every fault my father always had through their whole relationship.
Every time she speaks about the short comings in our childhood, she blames him. She spoke to me on the phone yesterday and mentioned it and I just snapped... I told her that she can't blame everything that went wrong in the last 20 years only on my father, that she played a part in her life too...
Which prompted a 4 hour long tangent of her screaming at me about how she's a victim and did nothing but he patient with my father. She screamed at me about the only thing she did wrong in that marriage was continue to give my father chances after chances.
My father never once asked my mother to change who she was. He never once gave her an ultimatum. They had vows. Through sickness and health.. through rich and poor.. Am I wrong?
Ten days later, the OP returned with her first update.
So I went no contact with my mom the day I posted this. I was really proud for how strong I was being. I didn't reach out to her at all and I had a conversation with my 8yo son about how we may not see Grandma for a while.
He was really supportive and acknowledged that he notices how mean she can be to me. I made sure to tell him that he doesn't have to ignore her on my behalf, but he said he doesn't really wanna be around someone who thinks I'm such a bad mom because he thinks I'm the best mom in the world. I love that kid.
Two days ago she showed up at my work. I worked the morning shift that day so I wasn't there. So she showed up at my house! It was 2 in the morning and I was asleep, but my boyfriend (27m) woke me up and said he heard my mom's car pull in.
We both waited for her to knock or something but didn't hear anything. She yelled my name from outside the back door. My boyfriend got up to investigate, but by the time he went outside she was already in her car driving away.
We both shrugged and didn't think anything of it. I felt like she was trying to intrigue my interest and it almost worked, but again I resisted the urge to reach out to her, even though I felt it may be an emergency.
Two day later -today I'm home with my son again. I hear her car pull into my driveway...This time I got up and locked the back door... I heard her step up the stairs and attempt to open the door which is never usually locked, but she knocked instead.
I yelled through the door and asked what she wanted. She said she wanted to talk. I said 'about what' and she said "you know what". I told her I didn't have any interest in speaking to her. She said she wanted to talk to my son (who was in his room down the hall) .. I opened the door and let her in and tried to walk away.
She immediately started ripping into me about how we BOTH said some nasty things and hurt each other and that it's been a few days, so it's time to move on. I walked away into the kitchen and told her that she crossed a line and that I wasn't putting up with it anymore.
She started yelling about "well what about all that you said to me? You always say horrible things to me and yet when I give it back to you, you do this. That's so not fair." I said nothing.
She asked me if I was gonna let her take my son. I told her probably not right now. She asked why not. I told her because I don't have to and it's not a good time. She told me that I can't keep my son from her, I told her that I can do whatever I want.
She told me that this is between "us" and that we don't "punish the children". I told her that I wasn't punishing my child, I was protecting both of our peace and she said she was going to fight for my son. I told her she should have thought of that before going on about how terrible of a mother I am.
She 'corrected' me saying that -she never said I was a terrible mom, she said that she didn't raise me like this to raise my son the way that I am.... Again reiterating stomping on my ability to parent my son.
I told her we weren't having this conversation and that if my son wanted to see her, all he has to do is ask me. She told me that he would never ask me, because I'll yell at him. I told her I would never yell at him for something like that and I don't know why she even thinks that.
She started screaming at me again and then proceeded to go and berate my son about how I said he can hang out with her, all he has to do is tell me that he wants to... He looked her dead in the face and told her that he didn't feel like it and she left. I don't know what to do at this point.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You had me in the first half, ngl. YTA for letting her in the second time she came over, and putting your son in the middle of that. If you're going NC, you need to actually commit and hold your ground on it.
WHY DID YOU LET HER IN THE HOUSE?!?!
What you do is document everything, and stop offering her access to your son. Seriously, her behavior is so terrible that even he sees that she's mean to you! It is very, very bad for him to see that.
You are allowing her to do damage to him by leaving the door open to her. You are actively putting him in the crosshairs of her abuse by putting it on him to ask to see her. You are his mother, you should be the 'bad guy' and say no, not put that on him. He is your child. Please start protecting him. My heart is breaking for your son. Teach him that it is ok to cut abuse and insanity out of his life.
Five days after that, the OP returned with another update.
Anyway , I called the authorities. 🥳 And I think the situation got worse. Lol I got home from work today and there's a plant festival happening right on my street..lots of car noises. I had just gotten home and have been locking the door behind me after entering, but apparently today it slipped my mind.
I had been home for maaaaybe 30 minutes before hearing the familiar rumble of my mother's car. I almost thought it was street sounds, but heard it pull into my driveway. I got up to check my door lock, but apparently the walk was too long because by the time I got there she was already there.
She was attempting to open my door and I leaned up against it. She was yelling at me through the door demanding we talk. I Told her to leave. I kept trying to lock the door but the lock wasn't turning... I realized SHE WAS HOLDING THE KNOB IN PLACE. I kept telling her to leave.. I called the authorities and she's screaming the whole time in the background.
The operator was kind of an AH about the situation, kept making me clarify my address and wouldn't let me refer to her as "a trespasser". Operator kept insisting what my relationship to her was and how well I knew them.
Finally she tells me she's sending someone. As soon as I hung up the phone, my mother pushed her way in. I kept trying to push her back out and she shoved her body into me and ran to my living room.
I did manage to get a video of her shoving her way into my house as I'm demanding she leave. Police took FOREVER to show up. I met them outside telling them that she's in my house and won't get out, that she shoved her way in and was keeping me from locking my door.
The police officer was agitated that she was making him go get her. I politely asked him to get her out of my house and he sternly told me to leave the room...? And then let her open up a conversation in my kitchen??
He then asked me if she's on the lease and idk how many freaking times I told them that she doesn't live here and has no association with my house. Officer then makes both of us step outside.
I asked them why they're treating this like a domestic dispute instead of a call I just made about someone breaking into my home... Officer told me it wasn't my turn to speak. Then proceeded to inform my mother of the existence of grandparents rights 🥹 about how she can petition for them.. she snickered and said "ooooh I can do that???"
By this point my boyfriend showed up from work... right before the police showed I had sent him the video of her pushing herself into the home with no other context because I didn't know what to do and the police weren't there yet.
He left work because I guess he was worried. The police wouldn't even let him up the steps to our home. ( She was sitting on them while talking to one of the officers) **Son was locked away in his room this entire motion of chaos btw ***
My boyfriend got agitated and said he didn't want her near our house and a different officer approached him for a statement. I'm not sure what they discussed... Officers finally got a statement from me.
They asked me questions about ownership of the house and leasing information AGAIN. I informed them AGAIN that she doesn't effing live here. I told them that this is the 4th time she's berating my door and how she showed up at my job.
The officer informed me that I can go to magistrate and get a no contact and a bunch of information I already knew but isn't quick enough. So yeah. They did nothing, I'm not even totally sure they made an official police report. (They didn't give me a card)
They let her leave... Police had to leave the driveway so she could pull out and whole time she's screaming out her window that i really messed up now. The police made me bring my son out to speak to him .. so I'm glad he gets to add that to the trauma list 🙃
It's been about3 hours now and she's been texting my boyfriend long tangents about how sorry I'm going to be and that if I don't let her see my son, she's opening an order on me and how she's got all this proof and blah blah blah. Boyfriend was going to block her but I told him not to so I can collect the messages as evidence to show the magistrate on Monday.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Contact the police commander and report the dispatcher and police behavior. Get a protection order and contact a lawyer. Save all video and all text for your case. Keep nutball away from your family.
Holy hell those cops suck and just handed your mother the perfect way to mess with you. You need to call the higher ups and explain what's going on and how this situation was handled, because they dropped the freaking ball.
Make sure your house is CPS ready. Document and write down all the harassment you can think of. Get cameras if you can and double check you ALWAYS lock your doors. Teach your son to lock the doors. Batten down the hatches. She's going to get worse.
Stay strong, report the officers, get a restraining order against mom and Update me!
Ten days later, the OP returned with their final update.
Okay well it's been 10 days since my(28f) last update and a lot of people asked me to keep this story updated ,and so here we go. I will not be updating past this point, amongst responding to relevant comments.
After that last occurrence in Friday evening, I went and got a protection order against my mom. The protection order was only temporary until court, that I had this morning.
As soon as the protection order was served to her, she immediately violated it by rapid fire texting me and my partner. (Now before readers come at me for unblocking her -this was just to incriminate her because I KNEW she wouldn't follow the order)
Some of the texts said things along the lines of "I wasn't going to ACTUALLY report you to child services BUT NOW I AM 👹 " and how stupid and dramatic we both are, that I brought this hellfire on myself and now she's being forced to retaliate.
I didn't respond other than telling her that contacting us was a violation of the protection order and that it would be noted in court. Instead of shutting up, she continued to text both me and my boyfriend walls of texts about how the officer who served her the order, explicitly told her she could contact us, that she wasn't harassing us.
I said nothing, but sent her a picture of the protection order with highlighted text on a sentence that read " the defendant is not to contact the plaintiff, physically, verbally, through phone, or social media" she didn't respond again after that, but texted my boyfriend that she "misunderstood" and that she'll stop and not to make things worse for her.. I didn't hear from her at all, which was amazing and a first in YEARS.
Over the last week she's been trying to get information to me through my dad, I guess. She mentioned to him that if I press trespassing charges on her, that she would lose her state benefits.
She didn't mention this to me while she was rapid firing texts, but she did mention my brother and my father, saying that if I had them testify against her, that she would go after them too.. basically she's trying to keep everyone that could be against her, out of it.
Which honestly is fine with me .. I have plenty of evidence without them. The judge asked me for a statement, I was just honest and gave my standpoint. When it was her turn to testify, instead of making a statement in her favor she just started crying and saying everything in my statement was a lie.. the bailiff brought her f**king tissues.
She really put on a performance. When talking about the situation by the judge, she changed the facts. Told the judge that she didn't force her way into my home, that she just walked in.
She told the judge that I never told her in the beginning that she was not welcome at my home (which I did in voicemail and text). She said that conversations with my son, was just her trying to get him to talk to me, and that she never berated him.
She even tried telling the judge that when she broke the protection order the first night ,that her texts was just her telling me that she loved me and that she wanted to work this out, outside of court.
Unfortunately for her, I was allowed to ask her questions about her testimony while she was on the stand. I asked her "why didn't I just lock the door to keep you from coming in?" She shook her head and said she didn't know.
I asked her if she was holding the door knob, keeping me from locking the door to my home. She stated "no." She said she didn't know why I couldn't lock the door. I asked her why she said the police officer told her she could contact me, if you just "misunderstood" and she doubled down and said the officer gave her permission.
I told the judge I didn't have any other questions, because she's not being truthful under oath. She began to cry again . At the end of it the judge granted...drumroll...
ONE YEAR PROTECTION ORDER -and mental health counseling and a mental analysis for my mother.
The DV advocates audibly cheered in the pews and met me after the hearing. They told me I said everything I was supposed to and that my mom made a complete fool of herself on the stand.
One of them even told me a part of her "felt healed" watching the judge grant me the protection order against my longest abuser. I feel weird. Extremely relieved in a big way and definitely a peaceful atmosphere, but I also feel kinda sad.. a year is a long time and I never imagined I'd actually get the law to be on my side on this.
As I left the court room she was arguing with the judge and crying and it was just kinda hard to see that I caused that ,in a way.. be assured, I KNOW that this is the right thing to do.
I just can't help these feelings of sympathy. I think I just need a few weeks to get used to her really not being around AT ALL.. Especially with this new school year and the holidays coming around, but I'm gonna be strong. I know I will.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I'm so happy the judge saw through your mother's act long enough to grant you a protection order. Now let's see if your mom will actually follow through with what the court laid out. I hope she does, but if her actions after getting the temporary one is any indication, I'm not sure it'll stick. I hope you and your kiddo are okay after all this craziness. Update me!
"It was just kinda hard to see that I caused that, in a way." You didn't cause any of this mess. All you wanted was to be left alone. Your mom escalated to the point that your child was being verbally abused by her.
Have you & your child been in any kind of therapy? Because you (especially) have been conditioned to accept bad treatment & also accept blame (aka gaslit) for being abused. Abuse isn't just physical violence. It can also be emotional manipulation. Talk to the DV advocates about finding a therapist. You deserve to be happy & guilty-free.
BagOBones13 (OP)
This is good advice. I need to hear that as much as I can. I think I would benefit from some counseling on the topic because I really didn't realize how dramatically toxic our relationship was until these hundreds of insights and well.... That is a problem. My son seems to be pretty okay. I think we tackled this before anything mentally hurt him.
When I got home today he asked me how court was and I said "well.. the judge thinks we would be safe away from Grandma for a year" and he said "yes" and fist pumped .. which made me feel a lot better about the situation. I half expected him to be sad, but he wasn't, which to me says a lot because they were relatively close before all this happened.