'AITA for telling my mother that I won’t see them if they come to visit us on holiday?'
"AITA for telling my mother that I won’t see them if they come to visit us on holiday?"
Myself (30F) and my partner (27NB) are professional musicians. On 25/10/25 we have a gig that’s an all day type festival thing. Since this is the first gig that my parents had a chance of actually attending, and with my sister having recently finished high school, we queried if they wanted to come see it. This was posed back in May when our gig was confirmed.
Back then, we stressed to them that the week leading up to the event would be stressful for us, and that those dates aren’t dates that we are available. It is important to know is that my partner has chronic fatigue, and that we plan meticulously around that to ensure that they can keep their professional commitments and promises.
My mother and I spoke yesterday, 29/7/25 and she said they were interested in booking 22-26/10 and were currently looking at plane tickets to do so. My heart immediately sank, because my mother is very intense on the “let’s do things together!!!” when she is visiting.
I reminded her of the previous conversation, the chronic fatigue, and that we would be busy with rehearsals and final preparations/checks on those days, such as packing vans, ensuring all instruments and tech are perfectly set up, and organising our merch for the gig.
She reacted negatively, exactly how I knew she would. Couldn’t we just hang out during the evening, we could go out to museums before rehearsals (opposite end of where we would need to be), sightseeing, going to the beach would be relaxing, etc.
I gently, but firmly, reiterated that we are not available those dates and suggested that they look at the dates I had discussed with my dad, 23-29/10 instead. That would give them time to land and decompress from flying and would give us a few days after the gig to do all the things she wanted to do.
She got upset, stating that she would have to use two days of holiday, instead of one, started complaining about how my dad doesn’t take his holiday in the summer, so he has a lot of holiday left, but she does not.
I emphasized with her situation, but also held firm on the boundary that 22-26 are days where we are not available. I explained that if those are the days they are coming, it would potentially be “hello” and “goodbye”, at most it would be brunch in the mornings but that we would be unable to join any of her usual sightseeing.
She ended the call with a parting statement of “well maybe we just won’t come at all then” which broke my heart, because I really wanted them to come see our gig and I was really looking to seeing my dad. Am I the AH here for setting and maintaining this boundary?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA You have a shiny spine and used it. It’s unfortunate she won’t budge. I’d go lc/ nc with her. You should not be the only one facing consequences.
edenflicka (OP)
I’m already fairly LC with her. We live in different countries so she can’t just come visit. My hesitation is around my dad. They’re still together, and he’s unfortunately very conflict avoidant. I’d see him a lot less if I cut off my mother.
NTA this is your job it is not a hobby it is not for fun you gave your mother to the dates that you would be available for them to visit. And it sounds like your mother is more interested in doing what she wants to do rather than actually visit and is upset that you won't put your job or your partner side to do what she wants.
To be honest, if it comes up again and she pulls that well we might as well not come then I would respond with that sucks but I understand perhaps we can have a different time to visit in the future.
NTA; you are trying to be focused on your gig and on your partner's well being. Your mother does not seem to "get it;" or possibly, she thinks that her extra day of vacation is more important than your scheduling.
However, this is an invitation, not a summons. Your mom has every right to decide not to come for any or for no reason, You might want to focus on, at least, getting your father to come so that someone from your family is there to see, and to record, the event.
NTA. Your mother is annoyed that she can't control you. She's refusing to compromise but demanding that you do. It won't impact her holiday if she can't see you but it could significantly impact your partner if you do meet up and she's unwilling to take that into account.
I would suggest not speaking to her about it again, if she brings it up simply say "You already know those dates don't suit, nothing has changed on my end. Are you willing to change your dates because if you aren't there's nothing to talk about". And I also wouldn't bother meeting her if she sticks with the original dates, she can't control everything and she needs to know that.
NTA You are doing great!! You may not always get the full result you want but you must still be firm about your needs and capabilities. Stay consistent and over time she will either learn or you’ll have to limit contact.
A good phrase to repeat “that doesn’t work for us”. I tell passive aggressive people things once, then gently remind them “Just a reminder that that doesn’t work for us.” Then the third time.“
Since I explained to you that this can’t work for us, and I already reminded you about our schedule, it seems like maybe you are intentionally planning something that you know will cause a difficult and unpleasant situation. Did you want us to be exhausted and stressed?”
Long run, she’s probably just selfish and wants you to put her wants above your partner’s needs but you can be firm and not be the victim of it. Once she figures out you are not a good mark, she will go pick on someone else. Compromise with her and you’ll regret it for a lifetime.