'AITA for telling my mum that I didn't want to know her after she walked out 14 years ago?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my mum that I didn't want to know her after she walked out 14 years ago?"
The title pretty much tells the outline of the story.... I am a 16F, and I am living with my Dad who has 100% sole custody of me. He has had custody since I was 2. My parents had me when they were quite young (my Dad was 18 and 'Mum' was 20), and 'Mum' couldn't cope with how my existence inconvenienced her education and social life.
She wanted to enjoy university, and my existence got in the way of all of that. Therefore she upped sticks and left my Dad to raise me by himself. And my Dad is the complete opposite and has more worth in one of his pinky fingers than her entire existence.
He has been both the mother and the father in my life. He has showered me with the love and affection that I needed. He has been strict with me when needed, and has guided me to be the person that I am today.
And he has never missed a day or an opportunity of letting me know how much he loves me. He is my hero, and I doubt that I will ever love anyone else as much as I do my Dad. I am unashamed to admit that I am a Daddy's Girl.
Our life has been very stable, and he has done an amazing job of raising me throughout my childhood and into my teenage years. But now the egg donor (I won't apologise for calling her that, because just the thought of calling her 'Mum' turns my stomach), is trying to rock the boat.
She's contacted me, asking if we could meet up, because she wants to reconnect with me... She gave a sob story about how she's spent years regretting her decision of not being in my life, and how she's now at a point in her life (mentally and financially) where she wants to give me what I am owed from her.
She also has 2 children (7 & 5), and she is hopeful that I can develop a relationship with my 'siblings'. This is where I feel that I might've been an AH. Because in an outburst of sudden anger at suddenly being contacted, I told her to f*** off, and that nothing that she says could convince me to have anything to do with someone who I only consider to be an egg donor and incubator in my life.
I thought that I gave up on my anger and resentment towards her a long time ago. But it felt like the dam broke, as I let out all of that anger and resentment that built up all those years ago, as I unleashed all of my pent up feelings towards her. Because the anger that I felt wasn't only for myself and how she abandoned me. I also felt anger for the hurt, pain and struggles that she caused for my Dad.
And here she is, trying to reopen those old wounds that both myself and my Dad have suffered at her selfish hands. I told her all of that, and how I consider myself to be the child of one parent, as the other one has been dead for most of my life.
I'm not ashamed to admit that I took some joy in telling her how much of amazing father and man that my Dad is, and that both myself and my Dad had a lucky escape getting away from someone who is as narcissistic and toxic as she is.
And the only point where I remained somewhat civil, was when telling her how I don't want anything to do with her children. Because despite my anger and resentment towards her, those children are blameless and innocent. And if she tries to use them as an emotional weapon against me, or selfishly drags them into all of this, then that would only make me angrier than I already am.
I blocked her from all of my socials. Though I know that this won't be over any time soon, and my Dad is preparing to lawyer up if she does try and drag this to the courts. But for now I am going to try and re-focus on my GCSE exams, and looking forward to the upcoming trip away with my Dad to celebrate the end of my exams.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, your egg donor wants a free babysitter.
That was my first thought. But the threat of a lump-sum payment of all the back child support she owes should scare her off.
Lazy_Scale2633 (OP)
It might sound silly, but I wouldn't want the back payment on the child support that she owes. I know that it'll probably sound like mental gymnastics, but I feel that accepting her money would give her a reason to believe that she would now have a say in my life.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
I understand that this is getting to be quite a long ready now, so I will try and keep it as simple as possible. But basically my mum started giving me an emotional story on how she has spent the last 10+ years regretting not being in my life.
She told me that she was young when she walked out and was really unsure what she wanted in life. I responded that I can understand that she was young and becoming a mum at her age must've been incredibly difficult.
But I pointed out that my dad was also young, younger than her in fact. But he stepped up and became a single parent, to the detriment of his own future dreams and relationships.
So whilst I could sympathise with her, I still couldn't accept it as being a good enough reason. I could see that those words really stung her and whilst I knew that she was being genuine, I still couldn't forgive her for that and I did tell her that.
She then informed me that her children (my half siblings) would really like to meet their older sister and she showed me their photos and was telling me stories about their life. This honestly felt like a stab to the heart. Because a mum talking about her children, sharing photos of them, etc is what I spent my life wanting.
In the end I had to ask her to stop talking about her children. Because hearing these stories was bringing up the pain of the mum that I always wanted but never had. I also told her that no matter how much she tries, I wouldn't ever see her children as being my siblings.
We didn't grow up together and we don't know each other. They are nothing but strangers to me and no different to the children that I see walking past me in the street. My emotions did get the slight better of me here and my mum did see my agitation growing.
I won't bore you with every thing that was said. But by the time that we were done with our conversation and were getting ready to leave, my mum got the wrong assumption thinking that this wouldn't be the last time that we'd meet up. Because she thanked me for giving her this opportunity to spend time with her eldest daughter and how she hopes that we can continue to heal our relationship.
I had to stop her there, and this is where I am now second guessing on whether I was too harsh. Because I told her that under false illusion does this mean that we will one day have a mother/daughter relationship.
I only gave her this time with me so that we could both say what needed to be said for the closure that will allow us to move on from each other. I don't right now and never will I consider her as my mum.
Yes she is the woman who gave birth to me and I will always be thankful to her for how she carried me for 9 months and gave birth to me. However that doesn't mean that I will ever see her as my mum.
She began to get rather emotional at this point, but I just had to ignore her so that I could finish what I wanted to say when I told her that I consider myself as only having one parent, my dad.
And before we went our ways whilst she was still trying to get her emotions under check whilst begging me to reconsider giving her a second chance, I felt that I had to be brutally honest when I requested that she doesn't contact me or my dad again. And that if I ever wanted to speak to her again, that I would be the one to reach out to her.
I'm not heartless. The pain was honestly eating away at me as I watched my mum getting more and more emotional, and I was struggling to keep my own emotions under control. Because I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.
I knew that I had to make my message crystal clear to her that I don't want anything to do with her. Not now or any time in the future. It was only when I met up with my dad and got into the car that I finally broke down and cried hysterically.
My dad has given me his full support. He's reassured me that he'll always respect my decision. Whether I want my mum in my life, whether I want to go LC or completely remove her from my life. He will always support me and I really appreciate his support.
His support has given me reassurances that I've done the right thing. However whilst speaking to my best friends, they've been conflicted on the matter. They feel that I've been too harsh on my mum and that I should've been more responsive towards repairing a relationship with her. They believe that I should try and give her a second chance otherwise I might one day regret it.
I asked them to change the subject because I didn't want to talk about her anymore. But it did leave me wondering whether I was too harsh on my mum when she was trying to give me a genuine apology for all of her wrong doings.
Because she has accepted full responsibility for what she did and that there is nothing that could excuse what she did 14 years ago. That makes me feel like my friends were right and I was an AH to my mum when we met up. But I am just confused right now.
My dad has offered me the chance of seeing a therapist for everything that I've been through, but I am reluctant. I am foolishly hoping that once I've been on this holiday with my dad and when we return home, these events with my mum will be in the distant past.
Oh and to finish off, in my last post, I had a number of comments telling me that my dad should chase my mum for child support. I did discuss this with my dad, but it's not something that he wants to do.
He says that we're fine financially and he doesn't want to deal with the stress of going through the legal system (which can be slow) and end up in a prolonged legal battle with her.
He's also got concerns that this would maybe give my mum more of incentive to try and forcibly be more involved in my life. Because she's now 'invested' money into me and that would give her a legal right to having some form of access to me.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. She said she regretted last 10+ not being in your but didn't even contact you even once until now? She made her bed when she abandoned you, now let her sleep on it. Actions has consequences.
Lazy_Scale2633 (OP)
She's made a few attempts the last few years. But I always made it clear each time that I didn't want to have contact with her. I only agreed to meet up with her yesterday with the intention of telling her that I don't want her in my life regardless of what she had to say. But seeing her getting as emotional as she got did hit me in a way that I didn't expect.
So I have a few thoughts. The first is that your friends are wrong for saying you should repair the relationship because the truth is that there is no relationship to repair. You don't know her because she made the decision not only to walk away but to stay away for 14 years. You cannot repair what doesn't exist.
The second thing is that her being emotional isn't your fault. She clearly thought that she could walk away, and then, when she decided that she was ready, she could saunter back into your life and just act like everything is okay.
The child she abandoned isn't willing to just forgive and forget so she can pretend that what she did wasn't so bad, and she doesn't just get to walk back into your life now she feels like it. That's why she's upset.
Finally, she really hasn't considered your feelings at all, and that shows you her character. She didn't think about how you'd feel when she left, she didn't think about how you'd feel when she came back, and she didn't think about how you'd feel when she started talking about the kids she did stick around for.
So no, you're NTA. She made her choices, and you've made yours. You seem to have a wonderful dad who has shown you what a parent should be, and it isn't someone who disappears for 14 years and doesn't even bother to pay for the child they had, then waltzes in thinking they can play happy families.