'AITA for telling my aunt not to lie to my son about who is father is?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my aunt not to tell my son a lie about who his father is?"

I (25) have a six year old son Jonas. When I was 18 I had an affair with my sister's husband Nate and when I realized I was pregnant I ran away from home. I felt terrible because my sister practically raised me and I might have ruined her marriage because I didn't feel I could get an abortion.

My aunt Jane (55) took me in and since then I've been living at her home My sister never really got why I ran away and it's made a wedge between us.

The only person who knows who Jonas' real dad is is my aunt. My sister doesn't know and I don't think that I can tell her.

This entire month all my son has been asking for for Christmas is to meet his dad. I haven't been able to tell him because I don't want to lie so I haven't really been giving him proper answers. Yesterday my aunt took Jonas with her on a shopping trip. During it I guess he bothered her about who my dad is and she told him a lie that he was a soldier who died and that's why I don't talk about him.

When my aunt told me this I kind of flipped and told her that she didn't have the right to lie to my son about something like that. My aunt told me I'm being an a$$hole telling her not to do that because it was hurting my son. We haven't talked for a few hours now but I guess I thought I'd get your guys' opinion on if I was right or if I was an a$$hole.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Shaneaux said:

YTA. Your aunt gave you an easy out. If you’re not going to tell the truth, don’t be mad at her for feeling bad for your son. Can you imagine having to see everyone else with their dads, and your mom simply won’t tell you where yours is? Either confess or roll with it but do it fast, the kid deserves an answer.

Accomplished-Cheek59 said:

YTA. You’re making this all about you. You can’t possibly tell your sister the truth because you feel soooo terrible and her life is better without you. You can’t tell your son the truth because you know how it makes you look. You expect your aunt to keep this secret for you despite the obvious emotional impact it is having on your son.

Stop it. Your son deserves to know who his father is. No matter what. You don’t get to pick and choose. When he finds out the truth - and in this modern world, he absolutely will - he will never forgive you for keeping it from him.

I also think that you were certainly taken advantage of. A 36yo man having sex with his wife’s 18yo sister - a sister his wife practically raised?! That’s definitely verging on grooming, which is extremely subtle. The abusers create moments where the abused feels that they are making the moves, and they’re to blame. It’s manipulation, and it’s sick and disgusting, and I am so sorry it happened to you.

But you need to step up. Do it for your son, if not for you. Tell your sister who your son’s father is. She deserves to know what kind of man she married. Tell your son in an age appropriate way, too. Your sister may never forgive you, but that’s not in your power to control. Your son deserves better.

Your aunt is also in the wrong for the lie she told, but what do you expect her to do? She likely can’t bear to see your son longing for something she knows you’ll never give him - his father’s identity. You’ve lived with her for seven years now - she’s helping you raise your son and likely loves him deeply.

So she tried to stop his wondering by giving him a war hero father who can never come around. In her mind, it gave your son closure and a positive role model, as well as an out for you. The fact that you aren’t comfortable with it is what made me comment. You know this is wrong. So take courage and do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

And TiniestGhost said:

YTA to your son, your sister, and your aunt. You owe them the truth. The affair was wrong, even at 18 you had to know that much - but your BIL is the bigger AH about that. Now you're older and really should tell your sister that the man she married and trusts is a cheater who slept with her barely legal younger sister, fathered a child (why tf wasn't he using protection) and presumably refuses to support said child.

If my spouse did something like that, I would want a divorce YESTERDAY. Your aunt means well and sees that your child is hurting and that you don't want to tell him the truth, so she did the best she could. Flipping out on her is a shitty thing to do when she did right by you and your son for years. Flip out on your BIL instead. He's the biggest AH in this entire story.

Commenters agreed: YTA.

She later shared this update:

I've been taking my son Jonas to a child psychologist in regard to how best to tell him about his father. I manaaged to get a referral from my doctor. I've been goign to the sessions with him and explained the situation to the psychologist. It was very hard getting him to accept that my aunt's story about his father being a soldier was just a lie to make him feel better.

We've been trying to figure out a strategy to tell him about why he can't see his father but it's honestly been very hard hearing him talk to the psychologist about his issues not having a father.

My aunt has been pushing for me to take therapy myself too and I agreed at first but I just don't feel like I can so I havne't gone cause I know what I am. and I know what I did and talking to someone isn't going to change any of that.

As for the rest I've been taking a lot more shifts at the manufacturing plant where I work. I want to be able to send Jonas to the boarding school in our area where my parents wanted me to go. If I can get him in there then he will be able to go to any university and will have a great future.

It sucks because I feel exhausted and worked to the bone and especially because I see Jonas less now but it's what I have to do. My aunt said she's willing to pay so I don't need to work but she's already given me so much but I'm not ungrateful or anything, it means a lot to me that she's willing.

She later shared this second update:

I did start seeing the psychologist but I honestly hated going. It was the worst cause I just started feeling really angry. My aunt made me switch psychologists but this second one just kept saying the same stuff that the other one did and I just kept on feeling really angry. Like I just wanted to yell and punch my reflection.

My aunt made me switch psychologists again after I left a session crying and I admitted all the angry thoughts I was getting. I didn't feel comfortable going alone so I made my aunt start going with me. I just felt so alone with the last one and I needed her with me. I think it made a difference even though she doesn't talk at all during the sessions unless the psychologist or I bring her up.

I don't know I just feel safe with her around. I don't know this psychologist makes the same points as the last one an the same points that so many of you made and it still hurts because it feels like I had no free will in the decision that I would become such a failure.

I've read my mom's diary and I know she and my dad wanted me to go to the same boarding school I want to send Jonas to and they wanted so badly for me to go to university and I can't accept that I never even had any real choice in failing their dreams.

When I told the psychologist about my anger issues she told my aunt to take me to the doctor since I was clearly depressed and we went and I got diagnosed with clinical depression and was prescribed pills. I don't want to take them because I've heard stories about addiction and I don't want to risk getting addicted cause then what'll happen to my son.

So I've been having my aunt keep them locked up and away from me until its time for me to have it unless I'm at work and she gives them in my work bag. I've only just started taking them two months ago I don't know if there has been any effect on me or not. I do feel a lot less angry so I guess they have.

With Jonas I finally told him during his therapy session following his child psychologist's plan that things with his dad weren't good and he didn't want us and that was why I had to move in with my aunt. I told him that I was scared that if we saw his dad that he would take him away from me.

Jonas was so angry first at me and every session since then breaks my heart because he cries so much now about not meeting his dad. For my work situation there is positive news and that is why I'm posting. My supervisor who was on maternity leave announced she would not be returning to the position so a month ago I was given the interim role.

My boss said that since I did so good, he was going to officially promote. Since I became the new supervisor I have been making all the money I did working overtime and extra shifts on regular hours while it is also less physically demanding.

Some users pointed out to me in the old update that working like I was doing was going to cause me permanent physical damage in the future and for my son's sake I can't let that happen. Since I got the promotion I've been able to spend more time with him and I am most grateful about that. I hope that this satisfies everyone who has been dm'ing me and that you can see that things are getting better for me now.