'AITA for telling my best friend his GF is toxic, and they need to break up?'

"AITA for telling my best friend his relationship/girlfriend is toxic, and they need to break up?"

So for context I (28F) have known my friend (26M)(let’s call him A) for about a year now. We spend a lot of time together and he considers me his best friend. I did too but now I’m conflicted, and it’s mostly because of his girlfriend (25F). They have been together for a few years now and over the time I’ve known them I see more and more of their relationships’ flaws.

Almost off the bat his girlfriend didn’t like me, stating that she thinks that he’s cheating on her with me. I’m happily married so no, I’m not interested in A. And A has said that he’s not interested in me but his girlfriend wouldn’t drop it. Eventually those accusations died down and things were ok for a few months.

But then I noticed the way they treated each other. They fought all the time, I couldn’t be around them without them making backhanded comments to each other and talking to each other with a lot of attitude. Even full on fights where I couldn’t even tell who was right and wrong because they were so bad at communicating to each other.

Every time it would just be me and A hanging out he would just complain about her and eventually I got tired of it. I told A exactly how I felt: that they are a toxic couple, that they need to communicate or else there isn’t a point to the relationship anymore. I do think he was listening to me because I could see his behavior change, but not hers.

One day their fights got so bad she said she had called the cops on the both of us accusing us of doing illegal activities. We were obviously freaking out to the point that A started to cry, desperately trying to talk to the girlfriend.

Eventually we got the girlfriend to answer to then have her admit she didn’t actually call the cops but said she did to get her boyfriend’s attention. And when being confronted on how that wasn’t ok I was called a bitch and then blocked on everything. A is on my side and eventually got his girlfriend to apologize. I accepted it because I didn’t want to cause more drama.

Here’s where I was called an a$$hole: Not even a week goes by and they have another argument in front of me and I put my foot down saying that I can’t handle their behavior anymore, to not invite me to things if they were going to fight, and to fix their issues or break up because I couldn’t handle dealing with it.

The girlfriend got extremely mad and basically told me to eff off saying she never wanted to apologize. I know it’s not my monkeys not my circus, but if the monkeys come running to me and make me their ringmaster they can’t get upset if I run the show.

Weeks go by and me and A had a talk where I say that I can’t be a part of their business anymore. To which he, to be honest, hasn’t really respected. I still see his girlfriend occasionally and she just pretends like nothing happened. (btw she still has me blocked). AITA here?

This is what people had to say to OP:

GalacticArya said:

NTA! You set a very reasonable boundary after being dragged into their intense drama. Your friendship with A is separate.

ThemeOther8248 said:

yta to your self! do not hang with her and keep reminding A that your time with him is girlfriend free, including talking about her. you are obviously not wrong, but people stuck in a volatile codependency can only help themselves when ready. try to get your friend into therapy so maybe he can become wise enough and strong enough to get out.

OP responded:

I have suggested therapy to him and he said he used to go but his mom convinced him he didn’t need it. And his girlfriend once told me they used to go to couples counseling and he never let her talk. So yikes

And FoxEarendil said:

NTA but please start enforcing your boundaries. Meaning if they fight constantly consider cutting contact with him too. If he’s not going to listen to your advice, tell him straight up: you either stop your drama or I’m literally done with you both.

Two weeks later, OP shared this update:

He ghosted me for two weeks, I kept asking to talk out what happened but he just wouldn’t respond. Then I got a message saying we should talk. I agreed and A decided that we would go for a drive, I had no complaints so we did. He started by saying that he’s “completely on my side” and that he doesn’t think what she did and said was ok but “she’s just like that”.

I said that if we were to remain friends then I don’t want to hear about his girlfriend anymore and I don’t want to see her anymore. If she can’t be a decent human being then I don’t want to be around her.

He agreed, we had some fun then I went home. Also for context they both work but only have one car so A drives her to and from work. When we hang out we made a rule that if we had to pick her up that he would drop me off at home first so that we didn’t have to see each other.

Not even a week later we were hanging out out of town. She was getting of work soon and he said that we were going to go pick her up. I asked to take me home first and he said no. Stunned, I reiterated “take me home”. To which he again said no, that it would be out of the way and he didn’t want his girlfriend to get mad at him.

Also for context: I’ve been there multiple times to pick her up before, and if he was late she would rip him a new one. But also vice versa, he would yell at her if she was late coming out of work (which she usually was by 30min to hours).

I said exactly that, that she would probably be late so he could drop me off. He said no and that I was “being disrespectful to the driver” and that “the driver decides where the car goes and I shouldn’t complain”. At that point I was genuinely scared.

I told him if he didn’t take me home now I won’t talk to him again. To which he said I was “overreacting” and “you’re really going to blow this friendship up because of something this stupid?”. We continued to argue until I just sat in the passenger seat silent. Then he had the audacity to run an errand before picking her up.

I called him out on it saying “you have time to run an errand but don’t have time to take me home?!” And he straight up said yeah. I bite my tongue and we get to the girlfriend’s work.

20 minutes goes by and I asked again for him to take me home. He still says no. 40 minutes goes by and I said “I guess you could have taken me home” and he said “you don’t have to be petty”. An hour goes by and she finally comes out of work. I’m waiting for him to yell at her and… nothing… he’s quiet.

And when he does talk he’s trying to get his girlfriend to have small talk with me!? I’m quiet the on the way home. I get out of the car and slam the door cutting him off from saying “byeee” in a sing-song friendly voice. I’m so done with him.

Edit: I wanted to add some extra info: I met A through a mutual friend (A is no longer friends with them). I met my husband shortly after, we are newly weds but that doesn’t make him any less my husband. I do not have a crush on A, for the love of god can people stop assuming that. A and his girlfriend and me and my husband are in the queer community so none of us give a shit about gender in friendship.