'AITA for not revealing to my BFF all the info I have about her husband's cheating?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my best friend her husband confessed to mine that he’s cheating on her?"
Me (35F) and my best friend (36F, let’s call her Tess) have been friends for a lifetime (30ish years since elementary school). I trust her and love her as a sister. She got married a few years ago, I don’t know her husband (let’s call him Kevin) very well, but from the outside he seemed to be a nice guy. I recently went on a trip with her, our husbands, my mom, and a few friends.
During said trip, Tess told me she was checking her car before the long road trip, and in that process, she checked the gps records. She found out that her husband Kevin went to 2 different “adult-only” hotels for a few hours twice in the previous days. When she confronted him about that, he said the gps was inaccurate, and that he didn’t do any of that.
That story sounded extremely shady to me, but I didn’t say much and left it at that. She also confessed about other reasons she suspected Kevin was cheating, but she didn’t know for sure. I tried not to get involved, but told her that whatever happens I support her.
After the trip is over, I discover that Kevin confessed not only to my husband but also to my mom on separate occasions that he was cheating on Tess. Kevin also said some very inappropriate things to my mom. The weird thing is that Kevin was not close to neither, my mom nor my husband before this trip, so why would he do that? (Still very suspicious of his intentions)
I told my mom I had to tell Tess about this, I could not pretend I didn’t know. My mom got really upset and said to not involve her on their mess. My husband said something similar, but at least he understood that it was wrong to not say anything. They put me in a very uncomfortable position, because now I know something my friend deserves to know but if I share I’d go against two other people I love.
So automatically I’m benefiting Kevin and not being loyal to Tess. My husband told me to give it some time and see if Kevin would come clean and tell Tess himself. I agreed and decided to wait a few days.
Fast forward a few days, Tess calls me and tells me that her husband confessed he was in the “adult-only” hotels, but for work purposes (developing an app ?!) and that he’d never cheat on her. That is the worst excuse I’ve ever heard, and it infuriated me. I told her he’s lying, and finally told her my husband told me about his confession, even though my husband didn’t want to get involved on this mess.
Of course she wanted to know exactly what my husband heard, but he said he didn’t remember exactly the conversation, just that Kevin said he was seeing someone else. Kevin explains to her that my husband misunderstood him, and that he was just saying to him that Tess thought he was cheating on her, not that he was doing it.
I want to tell her that he also confessed to my mom on a separate occasion, but my mom begged me not to involve her because she’s afraid of retaliation from Kevin since they live in the same town. I feel like an a-hole for involving my husband already, and I don’t want to involve my mom, but knowing this information and not sharing with my friend feels like a betrayal.
At the same time, I believe Tess already has enough evidence to conclude Kevin is in fact lying. I feel terrible and heartbroken that she’s going through this, she deserves so much better. She deserves at least respect and the truth, and not these bs excuses. I am leaning toward not getting even more involved, and let her decide what to do. I told her I support her no matter what.
AITA for both getting my husband involved on this against his will and for not sharing the additional piece of information I have because my mom doesn’t want to get involved?
What do you think? AITA if she doesn't tell her BFF the whole truth? This is what commenters had to say:
davekayaus said:
You don't need to tell Tess that her husband told someone else. She knows where he was, she knows what he said. If she chooses to believe his ridiculous lies at this stage, more hearsay isn't going to sway her.
oldcousingreg said:
Tell Tess. Kevin is going to keep making up ridiculous lies, and he was the one that brought your mom into it.
frolicndetour said:
Just tell her. He obviously wants to get caught or he wouldn't be telling everyone and their mother (literally) that he's a cheater.
Jamesorrstreet said:
Kevin dropped things to Your HB and Your Mother, just to stir up a mess. He then can deny what he said to them, making other look stupid, and for all to think everybody else is lying/being @$$holes.He want everybody to be involved, and for all involved to hate everybody else.
Then, he can walk out of it, like he never did anything wrong. The cheating thing becomes a "little, little misunderstanding", compared to - what he thinks, and say to his wife:"Your friends' crazy family." His wife maybe soon cut You off, because he decides they "don't want such drama in their life."
But 1) He is a cheater 2) He don't want her to have support 3) He was he one starting the drama. Be prepared, if this is the way it folds out. Assure her, that You will be there if she want to reach out.
swiperissilent said:
NTA At this point your best friend is just in denial of everything! It's so obvious like who tf works in an adult hotel room 🙄 Your husband and mother and best friend don't have spine/backbone to face this problem!