'AITA for telling my BF's best friend the truth about why he can't live with us?' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH for telling my BF's best friend the truth about why he can't live with us?"

I (24F) live with my boyfriend (25M) in a two bedroom apartment in a major city, however, we have been fighting for almost a week because of a decision I made spitefully, and therefore, I may be TA. It's a small apartment, impossible to avoid him for much longer, so I really need a third party opinion on the matter.

For some background, we've been officially dating since we moved in together two years ago when I graduated from uni, but we were hooking up for about a year before then. During that year we weren't 'together', my bf (let's call him Sam) and his best friend (let's call him Max) were living together in this house. Max (27M) has been my bf's friend for years and is basically like an older brother to him.

We've never really gotten along, but please believe me I have tried. It's just that Max never seems interested in getting to know me, or at worst gets genuinely annoyed by me interacting with him.

Sam thinks it's probably the age difference (me being 24 and him being 27) that makes him not very interested in getting to know me - but I think that if he can get on with Sam despite the 2 year age gap then what's the problem with getting on with his girlfriend, age gap aside?

Anyway, it's besides the point, but I think pretty relevant for the actual argument. Basically, Max recently broke up with his girlfriend and since he was living with her she (rightfully) kicked him out. Now before you ask, no I have no idea why he thought that he would still have somewhere to live after telling his landlady with benefits that he wasn't attracted to her anymore - but I digress.

Now Max is homeless and has asked to stay with Sam. And yes, if you're wondering, I also live here and pay for rent and utilities (an equal amount to Sam), but I suppose Max only wanted to ask the person who's name is on the lease?

All this aside, Sam doesn't want Max to come and live with us again, which works for me because I wouldn't particularly like to live with a guy who doesn't deign to speak to me living here either. I think Sam doesn't want him living here because he used to be a bit of a slob when they lived together (his words not mine) but I would imagine he also doesn't want another person in a small apartment.

However, Sam clearly lacks the spine to say any of this to his friend so who does he use as an excuse? Yeah. Me. Apparently he told Max how he would love for him to come and live with him again ('like in the good old days'), but his stupid girlfriend won't let it happen.

Now I could live with this if Max could act like an adult about it, but he's now started blowing up my phone with texts, calling me jealous, literally just random insults that don't even address the main issue (and before you ask, they're so specifically cruel that I am afraid if I copy and paste them in here that it will instantly become obvious who I am).

I've shown them to Sam, but he told me just to ignore them and just do him a favor. He argued that since Max and I already don't like each other there's no harm in letting me take the fall for this decision.

This is where I might be the a$$hole, because on day 10 of receiving abusive messages from Max, instead of ignoring him or blocking him, I just told him the truth. It was late at night and I was tired and slightly tipsy from a bottle of wine, and Sam was out with Max, still enjoying his friendship despite the horrible things his friend was saying to his girlfriend.

So yes, before you ask I was feeling vengeful and I think a lot of me did it out of spite. To be honest, the worst part is Max didn't believe me and if anything it only made him angrier at me. So in a way the only thing I succeeded at doing was breaking my promise to Sam not to tell him, simply because I let Max get in my head. After I sent the message I got a call from Sam but ignored it, going to bed.

When I woke up (I assume a couple of hours later) I had an angry boyfriend in my bedroom telling me that I was an a$$hole (not the word he used actually) and that Max didn't even believe me. I then asked him why it mattered so much, since Max didn't believe me, but I think he had had one too many drinks because he couldn't answer me and went to sleep on the couch.

It's been a week now and we've been giving each other the silent treatment. Max has come over for a couple of nights, sitting on the couch and watching football with Sam and giving me a similar stink eye but I've just left them to it and have moved into the guest room (partially to avoid Sam, partially to stop him from letting Max sleep here).

So yeah, I'm typing this on day five of the cold war, from the guest bedroom, while my boyfriend is sleeping in our bed still angry at me for 'jeopardising his friendship'. AITAH?

TL;DR: BF lied to his best friend that I was the one who said he couldn't live in our apartment while he's homeless, best friend blew up my phone with nasty messages so I told him the truth and now BF is mad at me.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

YoungSalt said:

So much to unpack here. I’m not going to attempt it. But no, you’re definitely NTA. Your lovely boyfriend created this entire situation by making you the scapegoat. He then watched you take abuse by his dear best friend for TEN DAYS before you decided to finally defend yourself to his abusive best friend by telling the truth. Your boyfriend and his best friend are massive @$$holes.

Maybe the solution is for your BF’s best friend to to take over your half of the rent, your half of the bills, and your half of the bed with your BF…while you move on with your life without these losers.

OP responded:

Lmao this made me giggle. I do think there's definitely an issue with him idolising Max, and to be fair from what I've heard Max has done a lot to help him, but yeah, I'm tired of third wheeling.

Professional-Face709 said:

NTA. Why are you still with Sam?

OP responded:

nowhere else to live lol. just realised i accidentally pulled a max and have been in a 'landlord with benefits' situation since i'm not on the lease.

Kind-of-a-big-dill- said:

NTA- your boyfriend started this lie. He didn’t stick up for you when his friend was bashing the hell out of you and harassing you, he even still hung out with him knowing everything he’s said to you. What a wimp. Then he has the audacity to blame YOU for finally snapping (rightfully so, tipsy or not) and letting the truth out ?! Wild. He’s selfish and has no backbone. Let this dude go.

gastropod43 said:

NTA. My wife and I have thrown each other under the bus socially a few times but only with permission. Your boyfriend should have ask for permission first. He should have defended "your" decision to not let him live with you because of Sam's previous behavior to you.

OP responded:

Yeah... now that I think about it this definitely isn't the first time I've been thrown under the bus - but he's never asked for permission beforehand. I just thought this was me being a good partner and supporting him, but now I feel like I've just let myself be walked over for years...

She later shared this first update:

If you didn't see my previous post, basically the TL;DR is that my bf threw me under the bus when his friend needed a place to stay, saying it was just me that was against it, and then didn't defend me against the barrage of abusive texts his best friend sent me thereafter.

So... I'm still here, in the guest room, using this website as my only means of escape from my depressing reality, but for everyone who warned me that Sam would probably cave and let Max move in eventually...yeah he did and it only took one day since my previous post..

They are NOT sharing a bed (yet lol), Max has parked himself on our couch and shoved his stuff inside what used to be our bedroom. I was working from home this afternoon when the two of them started moving in, so I was able to grab everything and lock it in the guest room with me (barricade, actually).

Sam texted me asking me to talk to them over dinner, probably about future living arrangements since it's clear what is inevitable here, but I just told him that I was coming down with a flu and should be avoided. Even though it's annoying having to talk so nicely to him, I still have to live here for two weeks more before I can escape, so I'm trying to act as normal as possible.

I'm really lucky that one of my friends is coming back from her work abroad in about two weeks, since her parents have arranged an apartment for her to move into and she's invited me to stay with her there until I can find somewhere else. It's been so difficult for me while she's been gone since she was basically my only friend in this city who wasn't also friends with Sam and Max.

Speaking to her (even if it's the middle of the night where she is and she has no reception) has opened my eyes to how quickly I need to get out of both this relationship and this building. Girls out there, talk to your friends, they're seriously the biggest blessing you'll ever get.

So yeah if anyone has any advice to make these two weeks pass a little quicker, it would be appreciated. I think I'm still a devil-woman in both their eyes, and our mutual friends are somehow taking Sam's side.

I don't know if he's spun them a different story, or it's just the fact that they were all his friends first, or even the fact that he's 'the baby of the group' (yeah... how did I not see that this was a red flag?), but at this point it doesn't even matter anymore.

Thank you to everyone who commented, showed interest and concern, etc. I didn't know how much I needed to speak to someone who wasn't friends with Sam. Hopefully my next update will be when I'm moved out but for now I'm safe and grateful.

A few weeks later, she shared this second update:

I thought I'd give those asking an update on how Sam & Max are reacting to my antics (see my Mini-Update if confused). I'm sorry to say that even though many people recommended taking the petty route, it hasn't yielded much fruit, and if anything I just feel more childish for doing anything.

Before all of that, though, I need to give a little more background so that everyone understands why this past week has been so odd. So, Sam has always been a very conflict-avoidant person. I've never actually seen him get angry at anyone, or if he does he's more often just frustrated in the moment and then apologizes.

This is probably why in my first post I was almost convinced I was the AH, since he was genuinely quite upset with me which is something very rare in our relationship. I've always felt like we don't argue a lot because Sam was too forgiving (or...spineless?).

I only realised that I still had the same mindset as my friends (That Sam was too forgiving and always a victim) when talking to my friend Daisy (24F, the one who is letting me move in with her <3). Regardless of all that, I've always felt slightly guilty because Sam is genuinely a very sweet person who isn't very good at getting angry or holding grudges or anything like that.

But then for a couple of days this past week he has felt like an entirely different person. I don't know if it's anger or resentment, or some secret third option, but he's been so quiet. I know I said in previous updates that he was acting civil, as though nothing had happened and that he was in denial about the breakup, but I think the denial stage has ended and the anger has begun.

Today and yesterday he's gone back to acting normal, but I can't shake the weird feeling that I have - so I'm pretty sure that both our mental states are quickly degrading.

First and foremost, please nobody panic, I am safe. I have a lock on my door and a support network checking in with me every few hours. However, since everyone has known Sam for years, and like me, they've never seen him like this before, it's really difficult to figure out what to expect from him.

If anyone needs examples of the strange behaviour, it's mainly just glaring at me whenever he sees me and stone-walling me - but I've also started to notice some of my things go missing. It could be from hastily moving them to my friend's parent's house, but a lot of them are sentimental items so it's hard not to point the finger at the embodiment of a dark cloud that's just looming around the apartment.

Idk why it's freaking me out so much but maybe because it feels like a switch has flipped suddenly. I also feel like I'm the one being weird, though, because isn't this what I wanted? I literally played Baby Shark on my laptop all day today while I was at work, and while Max called and texted me asking me to turn it off I heard nothing from Sam.

It was also a male coworker of mine who installed the lock on my door, so yeah I haven't exactly been acting kindly. I almost feel like a schoolboy pulling on a girl's pigtails for attention right now, but I feel so unsettled to have no verbal reaction, so I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Like of course he's going to be angry if I do all this petty stuff, what did I expect? I still don't feel unsafe but I think maybe my mental health has just hit a breaking point and I can no longer pretend that it all doesn't get to me.

It's weirder still that Max seems to agree with me about Sam's odd behaviour. Two people who have hated each other for years have suddenly been united somehow by the the one they care about, so maybe that's a bit of a silver lining. Today (after I came and turned off Baby Shark) Max knocked on my door and asked if anything else had happened with Sam.

I told him no, and that the sudden change in his behaviour had nothing to do with me directly (just indirect pettiness....). He just sighed and asked when I was moving out, saying Sam was only going to get worse the longer I stayed, to which I told him that it was none of his business if I stayed forever. A bit childish of me, I know, but it's so annoying for Max to try and take on the mediator role since that's usually Sam.

He just sighed again and asked me not to play Baby Shark, that I shouldn't make him suffer for being in the middle of mine and Sam's issues - which I thought was very presumptuous of him considering how the fight started but whatever. I even started to feel, later on that night, very grateful that Max was here - purely because of how strange Sam was making me feel.

So yeah, itching to get out and feeling not only guilty but frustrated that even if he's angered by my actions he still won't talk to me. Nothing I'm doing or feeling is rational, I know, but I feel like anyone who has been through a relationship break up after two years might empathise with me.

If you're reading this and you have, any advise for how to get through not only losing your partner but feeling like you wasted a massive portion of your life on them?

Another thing to point out in my defenze is that Sam was acting strange before the baby shark incident (I played it on my laptop in my locked bedroom while I went to work, so about 8 hours) and he wasn't even home when I had my coworker install the lock on my door (though maybe Max twisted that story?).

Can I possibly believe that it was me baking lemon drizzle and not giving them any was his breaking point or did he just then suddenly realise it was over? Am I a bad person for feeling safe with Max? Please nobody comment any incel things like how my female hormones are telling me to side with the alpha male or anything like that, I'll seriously die from cringing.

I just need some reassurance that given the circumstances the fact that me and Max are suddenly getting on a little better doesn't mean that I'm somehow betraying Sam (even though we're pretty much broken up), and that I have no obligation to check in with Sam about his behavior.

The good news is that Daisy's parents have been moving out my stuff over the last week, and now only the big things remain. If the situation gets too weird I'm just going to cut my losses and sleep in Daisy's old room in her parent's house - but hopefully I can wait a couple more days.

That's right guys, Daisy's moved her flight and the apartment is all sorted! I'll be moving in almost a week sooner than I thought I would!! Only a few days more in this hellhole!!! Maybe it's this knowledge that has made the apartment unbearable - just being soooo close to freedom yet not quite there yet? Who cares???

My next update will be as a free woman can you believe it? I'm so grateful for my surrogate family out here, and that they're taking this messy breakup so seriously. If you think the Reddit posts are paranoid, you guys should meet Daisy's parents bc tell me why I'm the ones reassuring them all the time?

Anyways, that's all the information I wanted to share with you guys, sorry that it's low-key a mental breakdown full of paranoia and insane behaviour. I'm not as mentally strong or mature as I thought I was, and I accept that. Thank you again, I hope you're all keeping well and know that I'm so very grateful for all your help and support. Until next time :D !!