'AITA for telling my BIL that helping around the house might lead to more intimacy?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my BIL that helping around the house might lead to more intimacy?"

Last weekend my husband (M42) and my (F42) went golfing. I asked my husband how it was going and he said “good but Colin (BIL, 41) won’t shut up about how him and Marie have like no intimacy. It’s annoying.”

I was with my sister (F40) and all of our kids at the time so I asked her what was up.

She just rolled her eyes and told me that Colin won’t help around the house so by the time she gets home from, dinner on the table, gets the kids ready for bed and school tomorrow, she’s exhausted and just wants to read a little before bed. She said he’ll come home from work and will work out, or watch sports, or find any excuse to be busy so he doesn’t help.

Flash forward to dinner later that night. Everyone is done eating so my husband gets up and starts clearing the table. When Marie and I get up to help he waves us off and he says that he and Colin would do it since they golfed all day and he knew how tired we were after being with the kids.

This was after he had ordered the dinner, picked it up, and brought wine and ice cream from my favorite place to go with it. Colin, predictably, said he had something to do and went to walk outside. I said “Colin, maybe if you helped clear the table then Marie might be in the mood later.”

Colin lost his s--t. He started ranting about how he’s busy and how he doesn’t have time to help, and that he doesn’t want a “transactional” relationship where he has to pay for intimacy with “favors.”

It got pretty heated because I didn’t back down. At one point he pointed at my husband and said “what, you’ll blow him tonight because he did the dishes?” I explained that it wasn’t about doing the dishes, it was that my husband helped out when he knew I was tired and had taken care of dinner and wine and dessert.

Colin ended up storming out and driving away. He didn’t come back to the house until after we left. Marie says he hasn’t said a word to her since Saturday night. I feel kind of bad because it wasn’t necessarily my place to say anything and now Marie’s marriage is paying the price, but on the other hand maybe me saying something will be the wake up he needs to realize he’s not acting right?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

PlvmPastry wrote:

NTA…Colin is more lazy and him saying he is busy is him trying to justify not helping out

It feels like the marriage is dying on front of your own eyes. And clearly Colin doesn’t wanna hear anything nor change.

fzooey78 wrote:

This won’t actually help anything. A bad husband is a bad husband. He’s not interested in changing.

That being said, I would have done the same thing.

AffectionateMarch394 wrote:

Her marriage was already paying the price BIL knows exactly why their marriage is falling apart, he just doesn't care because he thinks it's "helping" and not equal responsibility. Honestly, I'm petty, but I'm glad he got called out and felt humiliated, because he should.

hey_free_rats wrote:

I'm going to guess that him already being somewhat aware of it played a large part in why he responded so angrily, too. It's a lot harder to dismiss your partner's concerns when a third party witness speaks up. He doesn't want to realise that he's been unreasonable, but now he also has to confront the fact that he's been an asshole and his family knows about it.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

A couple points before the update:

My BIL is married to my sister. It’s not my husband’s brother.

The four of us have no problem discussing this kind of thing. To those that said my husband is awesome, you’re right! He’s kind and caring and the best partner I could have hoped for. We’re a team. So much so that when our first was born the nurses made a comment about how we seemed like old pros. Plus he understands how important ice cream is!

To those who DM’d me to tell me that my husband isn’t a real man because he does dishes, trust me, he’s very much a real man.

The update: More than a few people said I overstepped and commented on something I shouldn’t have. Fair enough.

I FaceTimed Marie and apologized for doing so. I explained my intentions to try to help point out to Colin that he had an opportunity in front of him to assist, but I also recognized how unfair it was to her to do it the way I did. I also told her I was very sorry to suggesting that she would have any sort of intimacy because I essentially took away her agency.

I didn’t intend to tell Colin that doing dishes would definitely lead to s#$ but I recognize it did come across that way. She told me not to worry about either thing but she accepted my apology. She also mentioned that Colin finally spoke to her and admitted he was very stressed out at work and just wanted to come home and not do anything for a while at night so he could unwind.

They are working n ways for him to be a better teammate around the house without feeling more stress. I also apologized to Colin directly for overstepping a boundary. He said he was sorry for losing his temper and that he knows he lashed out out of embarrassment for being called out in front of Marie and my husband.

While we were talking my husband poked his head in the room and offered to host a cousin sleepover for their kids soon, so Colin and Marie could have a night to just chill and be together. Both Colin and Marie tried to say it was unnecessary but he insisted and they relented.

He said he’d take all the kids out for breakfast as well because he’ll take any chance to get breakfast at a diner. Like I said, the man is an absolute gift.

TL;DR: apologies all around. Communication wins. Hubs is the best.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Fioreborn wrote:

Your husband is awesome. Loving that he offers to babysit just so he can get him so diner breakfast. "I will take all the kids but I'm getting pancakes outta it!"

OP responded:

He LOVES breakfast at diners. I’m positive he’d be content eating a diner breakfast three meals a day. I can’t even begin to count the times he has told someone to buy him breakfast if he’s done them a favor.

GoAskAlice wrote:

Husband and I can cook just about anything as well as a restaurant, but we both agree that a good breakfast is worth going out. There's just so much different stuff involved, and it all happens very fast. And then the kitchen is absolutely thrashed because there is no "clean as you go" time. Nah, gimme some diner breakfast.

OP responded:

Last year we went to show at a local casino and spent the night. In the morning we saw they had a gimmick diner so we checked it out. When I say the man was in heaven, he was in heaven. I’ve never seen him struggle so much with a menu. He didn’t know what to get! He ended up with a scramble of eggs, roasted chicken, and a biscuit.

He still takes about how good the biscuit was and I’ve heard him describe it as “life changing.”

Vast-Fortune-1583 wrote:

Men actually DM'd you telling you your husband is not a man, because he does dishes? 🤣🤣. My hubs is a retired Master Sgt USAF. Drives a truck these days. He does housework. Dishes, laundry, cooks. Grocery shops. What's wrong with people? Tell those people to grow up!