'AITA for telling my BIL my daughter is ugly? My wife overheard and is mad at me.' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my BIL my daughter is ugly?"

My (37m) wife (38f) have a 9-year-old daughter and my wife is also 7 months pregnant with our son. When our daughter was younger, she looked a lot like me but as she aged, she started to look more and more like her mom. Please note that I have very very "manly" features.

I was having a beer with my BIL in my backyard while our daughters played inside the house. We were getting a bit tipsy (it's fine since his wife can drive). We got to talking about kids and how I wanted my son to take after me.

He brought up the fact that our daughter started out like my clone and I said "Yeah, thank God she's slowly starting to look more and more like her mom. Can you imagine this I point at my face on a teenage girl? Her life would suck!"

Well my wife was within earshot cause she was bringing us food. She dumped it in front of us and called me an AH for saying our daughter is ugly. She walked back to the house crying and when I chased after her she told me to stay away.

BIL and SIL left shortly after and I did all the cleanup myself and put my daughter to bed. I wasn't super drunk, just a bit tipsy. When I went to sleep my wife was still awake and she pretty much exiled me to the couch cause apparently I think our daughter is ugly. I tried to apologize for that but she wasn't having it.

She's pregnant so I didn't want to stress her out. I spent an uncomfortable night on the couch and now my back hurts like hell. My wife and daughter are still asleep as I'm typing this. I don't think I did anything wrong but AITA? Is this her hormones or am I really callous for saying something like that?

Edit: Just to clarify. No food was wasted. By "dumping it in front of us" I meant she angrily put it on the table and stormed off. She's not a monster.

The comments quickly came in.

[deleted] wrote:

NAH but you really shouldn't comment on your daughter's attractiveness for the next ten years or so. You think your pregnant wife is hormonal and getting overly emotional, how do you think your daughter is going to be in three or four years?

At nine it's probably not a big deal but at 12, if she overheard you, she could fixate on it for a long time. Just keep that in mind for the future. And you're not the AH but apologize to your wife. She's hormonal and overreacting but this is not the hill you want to die on.

OP responded:

Oh yeah, I'm more than willing to swallow my pride in this scenario. Being wrong while but being able to sleep on a bed and have sex with my wife is so much better than being right and sleeping on the couch haha.

juniperberry52 wrote:

Drunk husband + pregnant wife = misunderstandings.

Meniak89 wrote:

Agreed, NAH!

Civil_Pomegranate648 wrote:

Yes and no. It is clear that you didn't intend to insult your daughter. However it's easy to say things when intoxicated( even tipsy) that sound alright in your head but come out not quite right.i recommend waiting until she cools off and apologizing to your wife.

Making it clear you love your daughter and were making a bad attempt at humor. Maybe take your daughter and her out to ice cream if they enjoy that. Just be kind and make an effort not to say things that are insensitive. Its a good habit to have in life anyway. 1 out of 5 on the AH scale.

Chance-Manager wrote:

Forget that. I count my blessings every time someone says my children look like my wife.

sapphirekiera wrote:

NTA. When your wife calms down explain the context, like you did on here. I don't even think you really called your daughter ugly, just made a joke about her growing up looking like you.

retailhellgirl wrote:

I don’t think she’s an AH either just hormonal and misunderstood.

WorstEscortQuestEver wrote:

YTA. Don't say s**t like that. Just don't do it. I know people who overheard their parents talking about their weight/appearance as kids and it messed them up for years with self esteem and eating disorders. Like, you were tipsy enough that you didn't notice your wife was close enough to overhear you.

How could you ever be sure that your daughter won't (or even hasn't by now if you say this sort of thing often) overhear you saying stuff like this at some point? You'd just be teaching her that she's judged on her appearance alone. And it's sucky. So shut your big mouth when it comes to talking about how attractive or unattractive your kid is.

VolpeFemmina wrote:

I'm sad I had to scroll this far for this. Imagine if OP'S daughters first memory of a man having an opinion on her body and looks was over hearing her father say this s**t. He's an AH for saying something hurtful and judgmental about his daughters looks.

He doesn't need to comment on her looks, and he doesn't need to worry about if she's pretty or not to other men because he doesn't need to look at her like that.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Okay, I just want to clarify a few things...I have no self confidence issues or anything. I think my looks are well above average for a guy but I have really hard features and a resting angry face so it really wouldn't look very good on a girl. Trust me, I know. My sister looks like me.

My daughter has grown to resemble my wife A LOT more than me, with my wife's softer features except she has a resting b#$h face which hopefully scares off the boys (just kidding). I know every dad says it but my daughter is beautiful. Also, this is the first time my wife has actually kicked me out of bed after being together for over a decade. It's unlike her so this was definitely a one time thing.

Also...what's the issue some people have with my wife serving me food? We have a very healthy relationship. I take care of her, she takes care of me. Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Don't sell me on the whole "power dynamic" crap, that ain't for me.

So on to the real update...

After reading a few of the comments, I decided to make things right and apologize. She was still asleep so I took our daughter to pick up some of her favorite waffles in our local diner and got her her usual order there. My daughter and I set it all up and I woke my wife up with breakfast in bed. She still looked like she wanted to stab me but she lightened up a bit when I she saw the food.

I sent my daughter out in the to watch Netflix and my wife and I had a talk about what happened. I laid it on THICK, as one commenter suggested. I told her how I meant I had very masculine features that I'm glad our daughter grew out of. How I was so happy she's starting to take after the most beautiful woman in the world (this is true).

Apparently, my wife thought I was calling her and our daughter ugly. No idea where that came from but ok. I explained it all and how it went down. She had the "pretending to be mad" face that can melt anyone's heart as she stuffed her face with food. I kissed her on the forehead and promised to make it up to her today (which was yesterday).

I ended up taking them both out for lunch, ordered takeout for dinner, and ate a boatload of ice cream that night while watching movies together with our kid. Cherry on top? I actually got to sleep on a bed cuddling with the love of my life. Best night in a long time.

Was I wrong? Was she wrong? Well to be honest none of that really matters anymore. It's behind us. Something like this isn't the hill I want to die on and I'd rather sleep on a bed with my lovely wife than keep my pride in tact sleeping on the death couch fighting back pain. Thanks guys. I can't believe an AITA post turned into a relationship advice post haha.

The commenters did not hold back one bit.

icy-entertainment177 wrote:

To quote Taylor Tomlinson: "I was an ugly kid with honest parents and that s**t stays in your bones."

Hot-Trash-6764 wrote:

My FIL to this day still says that his one and only daughter was an ugly baby/child - "but she got better looking when she got older!" - to her face, and in front of anyone and everyone.

Honestly no wonder she has low self esteem and a poor image of herself.

CosplayGeorge wrote:

Once when I was pretty young, one of my cousins on my dad's side told me I looked exactly like my dad as a compliment and I burst into tears lol! My dad was ugly inside and out.

ButterflyButthead wrote:

Oof. Everyone always told I looked like the feminine version of my dad. And I do, I’m almost a clone lol. The first time my mom yelled that it wasn’t a compliment always stuck with me. I’m glad Op’s daughter wasn’t within earshot. No kid should feel ashamed of the features inherited from either parent.