'AITA for telling my BIL that someone is going to punch his girlfriend one day?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my BIL that someone is going to punch his girlfriend one day?"

My older sister recently got married to her long-time fiance. They are polyamorous and both have a separate partner each. I have met my sister's boyfriend a few times at holiday events and he was really nice. My brother-in-law's girlfriend (we'll call her Sally) I've met once before at their engagement party and she seemed nice but she also seemed like the type of person who wants to be the center of attention.

She talked over everyone, insisted on helping my sister open any gifts they received and she even told people that "she's the reason" my sister and my BIL were getting married because she's officiating the wedding. It all rubbed me the wrong way, but as long as my sister and BIL were cool with it, who was I to say anything?

Things did get a little weird towards the end of the party, however, because Sally got pretty drunk and started very loudly proclaiming how monogamy was ruining relationships and was disgusting. That the only reason people aren't open with their love is because they are scared, insecure, jealous, and controlling.

This made most of the people left at the party visibly uncomfortable and most left soon after because she wouldn't stop (even after my BIL took her aside and told her to calm down). I was helping my sister clean up from the party when Sally started questioning me about my stance (my boyfriend had to work so he wasn't at the party).

My sister tried to squash the discussion but Sally ignored her and asked again. I very calmly explained that I tried polyamory once and quickly realized it wasn't for me and that I was now in a very happy monogamous relationship but totally support non-monogamous relationships.

Sally started to say something but my sister very firmly told her that she was drunk and to go lay down. She rolled her eyes but did stomp back to the bedroom. My sister then explained how Sally was usually very nice but did make being poly her whole personality, which had caused problems before.

Flash forward a few weeks later to the wedding itself: everything went great! It was beautiful and everyone seemed happy. During the reception my boyfriend and I were talking to my mom and Sally approached us to say hi (she's met my mom quite a few times and my mom is the type to love everyone).

My mom reintroduced me and also introduced my boyfriend. Nothing seemed off, we all said our pleasantries and that was it. A little later, my boyfriend went to get some drinks for us while I danced with my sister. It was taking him longer than I expected, so I went to go looking for him. To my surprise, he was being cornered by Sally near the drink table.

His back was literally to the wall and every time he took a step away from her, she would step closer. She was also rubbing his arm in a flirty way. I couldn't hear what she was saying to him, but the relief on his face when he saw me told me everything I needed to know. The only thing I did hear was her whining, "oh, come on."

I walked up and grabbed my drink from his hand, which finally made her take a few steps back. I asked what they were talking about and she very bluntly and flirtatiously replied, "I was just telling him how much I love gingers." (My boyfriend, obviously, is a ginger). I simply told her, as calmly as I could, to stop being a f#$king cunt and there were plenty of single people at the wedding she could hit on.

She said something back but I was already pulling my boyfriend away and didn't hear nor care. The rest of the night was uneventful other than normal wedding fun. A few days later, my BIL texted me to say I needed to apologize to Sally because flirting with people is part of her personality, and she didn't do anything wrong.

I told him that one day she's going to come across someone less nice than me and she's going to get her s#$t rocked. My BIL thinks I'm being petty and an AH, my sister and mom think I was justified and that Sally was being disrespectful.

TL;DR: Brother-in-law's girlfriend hit on my boyfriend and I called her a c#nt. BIL thinks I should apologize but I refused and told him one day she's going to get punched by someone less nice than me. AITA?

The internet weighed in.

2cents0f--ks wrote:

"Flirting with people is part of her personality." That's not a personality trait, that's a choice. Flirting with non single, monogamous people who don't want it is sexual harassment. NTA. I am less nice than you, but my husband (who is freaking gorgeous and gets hit on a lot) is even less nice than me!

He scared off my ex-best friend so badly after she propositioned him, that she hasn't popped her head back up in twenty years. And he did it all by using his words. It was glorious!

Edited to add: Yes, flirting with anyone who does not want it is harassment. I figured that was obvious and added the details to fit this particular case in what I would have said to Sally.

OP responded:

My poor boyfriend is so socially anxious, he just kept telling her "no thank you" even when she wasn't asking a yes or no question. I told him that he doesn't owe anyone kindness, especially if they are making him uncomfortable, but he just wanted to get away from her and I get that.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE 1: Talked to my sister and BIL. We are going to get together tonight along with my boyfriend and have a sit down conversation about this. According to my sister (who read the text exchange between BIL and Sally about the situation), "s#$t isn't adding up."

BIL wanted to invite Sally so she could defend herself and I absolutely vetoed that. I was not going to have my boyfriend's harasser in the same room as him. I will update once I know more!

The internet kept sharing their thoughts.

Add_Thyme wrote:

NTA and I can't wait till this becomes a hugely popular post, nice to see an OP challenge BS in the moment rather than being walked all over then feeling their boundaries being stomped come to AITA to question if their feeling was right and that if they stood up for themselves they wouldn't have been wrong.

Sorry that this predator cornered your partner, no idea what BIL sees in this nutcase. Best of luck OP, thanks for sharing too.

OP responded:

Thank you. I really hate letting things linger when it comes to conflict. I told my sister about the incident the day after the wedding and thought that was that. My concerns were known and my boundaries set. But now knowing Sally's story magically doesn't match mine nor my boyfriends, I want to get to the bottom of it.

The next day, OP shared another update.

Update 2: Sorry about not posting last night, I needed some time to collect my thoughts. (Also sorry for the length. I tried to stick to the most important details but alas, I failed a bit). So, the day after the wedding I told my sister about what happened. She waited until they came back from their honeymoon to tell BIL. BIL texted Sally about her side of things, and I now understand why he was so mad.

Sally told him that all she did was tell my boyfriend he was cute and I overheard (lie #1) and "went berserk" and, yes called her a c*nt, but also said a lot of terrible poly-phobic things (lie #2). I was shocked that my BIL, who has known me for 10+ years, would honestly think I would say something like that. Keep in mind that he's only known Sally for 6-ish months, and he admits she has lied to him before.

We got Sally on the phone to hear her side first hand. Instantly my sister clocked that the story she wrote in text was different from what she said on the phone. I said certain things, then I didn't say those things, then I said other things or did other things (at one point she said I pushed her but then it became I just reached for her).

The whole thing was a mess.

And before the internet police come for me saying this was an interrogation and we were putting pressure on her and she was "scared" and thats why her story kept changing, my boyfriend and I literally didn't talk unless asked a direct question.

My BIL had a baby voice the whole time and called her 'sweetie' and 'baby'. My sister was polite but direct to all of us (which I'm not surprised because she hates drama and just wanted to get this over with lol).

Anyway, after the back and forth, Sally admitted that she did only remember me calling her a c**t that night, but that "if I said that, I must have said other things and she just couldn't remember clearly." Honestly and truly, what the f#$k? She also still insisted she only called my boyfriend cute, but missy Ma'am, you just sat there for 45 mins lying.

Why would I believe the words of a known lier over my boyfriend who, to my knowledge, hasn't lied to me in the whole 3 years we've been together? Make it make sense. After we hung up, my BIL apologized to us. He said Sally sounded so hurt in the original texts that he automatically jumped to me underplaying the events and my boyfriend overplaying the events.

He's not sure if he will break up with her. Which, personally, I think is a little crazy, but whatever, that's his prerogative. Luckily, my sister and him don't throw parties or events normally so even if he stays with Sally, I doubt I'll ever see her again. Probably not the satisfying ending everyone wanted, but its what we have. Thank you to everyone who sent support and kind words during this bizarre time.

The internet kept weighing in.

dryadduinath wrote:

Wildly speculating, maybe she’s not actually great at polyamorous relationships? the way she made a scene once as she wasn’t the center of attention at her bf’s wedding (lbr that was why she officiated) doesn’t exactly read “secure”.

…or she’s just an attention hound. That also works.

Spiritual_Pear1000 wrote:

Imagine being the sister, marring a man, who's f#$king a woman, who is at your wedding trying to f#$k your BIL...dang that's just alot. I'm not sure i even got that right. Poly or not that's A LOT.

SugarCanKissMyA-s wrote:

Lol, BIL is absolutely not going to break up with that woman and it's going to cause him more problems than it's worth but that's his decision I suppose.