'AITA by telling my boyfriend if he marries his best friend I'll break up with him?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA by telling my boyfriend if he marries his best friend I'll break up with him?"

My boyfriend wants to marry his best friend for benefits. So I (F-19) and my bf (M-21) have been together for about a year now, we have talked about marriage and I'm hopeful for proposal in the next year. He is in the army and we have been long distance for the majority of our time together.

Today he called me and said he was talking to his friend and roommate (m22 we'll call him John for the story) about getting married for the benefits - a pay increase and being able to live in a house instead of the barracks. I thought he was joking at first but he began to explain that there are bugs in their barracks and he's tired of it.

He also went on to say that if he and John got married it would be easier for me to visit him because I could just stay in the house with him and with the extra money he would be able to pay for a plane ticket for me to go see him.

I am starting college this fall and am currently unemployed as I wanted the summer before college starts free but I've had a job the last 3 years and have ample savings for school and enough for a visit to see him so I don't think its even necessary for him to pay for me.

I've told him this but he kept saying he wants to at least pay half which I am okay with but don't think he should marry his friend just because of that. In the time we talked otp I told him he would be a divorced man when we get married and he just laughed at that. Then he told me I could be his side piece while he was married to John and that was s#$y. Like what.

I've never worried about my boyfriend being attracted to the opposite s#$ before or anyone other than me in general so I really don't think he is attracted to John like that. I have reasons for not liking John though such as he has cheated with a married woman before and influences my boyfriend to smoke and drink which I dislike.

(EDIT: John does influence my bf to smoke and drink but the majority or the time he declines - he usually only does that thing if its a special occasion or hes unusually stressed.)

My boyfriend has also been choosing him over me recently, like today when he called me about the whole marriage thing John called him while on the phone with me and my bf immediately said bye to me, no I love you or anything which is normal, he just said "John is calling, bye" and hung up and still hasn't called me back.

I believe that marriage isn't just something you should do for benefits and his reasons for wanting to marry his friend just sound dumb to me. I fully believe he loves me and he wants to marry me and have a life together so why would he even want to marry his friend?

I don't know if it is relevant to this but yesterday his grandfather passed away and I don't know if this is like a coping thing or something. I want to be sensitive to him but idk at this point. Im just curious if anyone else thinks this is mad weird so pls help. We were just texting and I told him I'd break up with him if he actually marries John. AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

I know I'm young and a lot of people say its a bad idea to marry into the military or just at this age in general which is valid tbh but its my dream to be a SAHM and I know what i want in the long run :)

My attending college decision is still pretty fresh as I really did not want to attend but it was mostly to alleviate pressure from my parents who said I was rushing things so college was my compromise and gives me and bf more time which very well might be needed.

I don't mind waiting to get married which is why I'm going to college lol. I know I am naive in some things but we are all bound to make some mistakes unfortunately. My bf has said that if I enjoy college and want to complete a degree, after his current duty station is up he would try to get stationed near me.

Also although him and John are good friends they are fairly new as roomies (only about a month or two) and up until a few weeks ago John has had a girlfriend. Maybe John is into my bf?

The commenters did not hold back one bit.

North-Jello-8854 wrote:

He's gay, but there's nothing wrong with that.

OP responded:

There is something wrong if he doesn't tell me, cheats on me, or marries a man in the name of "benefits."

[deleted] wrote:

I don't know...maybe he was trying to determine your level of interest and see if you would be jealous at the thought of him getting married to some one else? I don't know... maybe it was a test to see your willingness. You got plenty of responses here so I figure why not mention this as a possibility.

OP responded:

That could be it. I have tested him a few times about different things - loyalty or if he only wants me for s3x. So maybe he's got some concerns too?

anonoomoo wrote:

You shouldn’t “test” your BF. OP, you do not sound ready for a mature relationship. You have too many blind spots here.

OP responded:

So I shouldn't want to know him and be able to trust him as best I can? Obviously I'm going to test him in the beginning of our relationship which is what I did and I was satisfied then which is why I continued the relationship.

Mcdosenbier wrote:

You're 19. You should NOT be in a relationship at your age where you've already made sacrifices that are noteworthy. Also, and I know you didn't ask this, but if you want to have kids, please think hard about what having a military father is going to mean to them, assuming that your boyfriend doesn't stay married to HIS boyfriend.

My father wasn't in the military, but we moved a lot for his work. I went to 10 schools. My brother openly didn't cope with the upheaval, I didn't cope in secret and developed some pretty unhealthy coping strategies. Some kids are unbothered by such things, but you can't predict the children you will birth. You get what you get.

OP responded:

So what age would you say is appropriate to start doing that? If we were to have kids, supposing none arrived against plans, it wouldn't be for at least 4 years while I was in college. And he is not planning on staying in the military for a long time - probably will only be in for another 5 years. I've moved quite a bit due to my fathers work so I do understand the feeling of moving about which isn't fun.

phylter99 wrote:

NTA. Plain and simple, it's a dumb idea, even if it's all just a joke in the end. Your side is simple. You don't want to date a married guy because then you'd be dating a cheater. No matter what the situation really is, that's the sum of it. You have more respect for yourself than that, I'm sure.

OP responded:

I think you summed that up better than how it was in my head lol I don't want to date or end up marrying someone who doesn't give marriage the respect that it deserves. Its not meant to be used and then tossed away so yeah if he is being fully serious and would do something like that it wouldn't work for me anymore. Thanks for getting it lol.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

I'll keep this short. I broke up with him. I talked to him yesterday about all the reasons I didn't like the idea of him marrying his best friend John, the fact if he got found out it would be bad for both of them, that marriage shouldn't be used for dumb#$s reasons, that I literally would've married him if he asked (dumb as that might be).

I told him how unlikely it would even be for him to be able to move out of the barracks right away, and for him to want to marry someone else to get away from a few bugs was stupid. He went off on me saying it was for me so he could get extra money and save it for us and I didn't know how sh!tty the barracks is.

I asked how he would feel if I wanted to marry one of my friends and he said as long as I had a good reason and it would get me actual benefit he's all for it. Shocker right, he's totally fine with willy-nilly marrying people. I told him I'm absolutely against it and if he actually would marry him then I'm done, i won't be his side piece and he said okay then don't.

I said fine and hung up. I blocked him everywhere and I don't want to talk to him again. I really thought we had the same beliefs but I'm glad I found this out now. Im pretty crushed that it turned out like this but I'm sure its better this way.

The internet kept sharing their thoughts.

ryencool wrote:

Its so so so hard for younger people to learn from their elders mistakes, so like you've said before you're not really going to listen to this. You're 19. You "think" you know what you want, just like my sister did when she was 19.

She married her military boyfriend that she had only known for about a year, but like you she had only spent a few months with him, never lived with him etc..You "think" you know what you want but I can guarantee you that 10 years from now you will look bac on this time, and you will be a totally different person. My sister wanted to be a SAHM, it sounded easy and fun!

She ended up divorced, no college education, and no way to support her 3 children. Her husband was a typical military alpha dude, he cheated on her multiple times when overseas. He is now married again, and him and his new wife have called the cops on each other no less than a dozen time.

They're alcoholics and beat each other. They never learned from their early adult experiences, they just simmered in them. My sister has had to raise her 3 girls on here own, with no education. I just got married a month back to the love of my life, in 6 years we haven't fought once, argued once, called each other names once. You want to know why?

Because I learned from my early on relationships. I dated dozens of people. I lived with 3 of them, one for over 5 years. I never got married because after the honeymoon period my relationships always turned to s#$t. We learned we couldn't live with each other, we had different views on children, finances, alcohol, family, whatever. When you're young you think loove can overcome everything.

IT cant overcome you wanting to have kids, and your partner doesn't. Love cant overcome one of you wanting a dual income household and the other wanting to be a SAHP. Hell I have seen snoring break up and otherwise loving relationship, because love is not all you need. My advice would be why are you jumping into marriage so quickly? You have nothing to lose waiting on that.

OP responded:

You're correct in that most things don't pan out how we envision them but the post wasn't about me marrying him it was about him wanting to marry his friend for seemingly silly reasons.

Love definitely does not overcome everything because if it did I wouldn't have broken up with him, I love him to the end of the world but with our different views it just wouldn't work and there would be strife in the relationship.

[deleted] wrote:

Same s#$ marriage doesn’t necessarily mean gay marriage. And your bf is not the first military person to marry for bennies and to move out of the barracks. Only now, friends can do it instead of men and women. The barracks do suck. Living on base can also suck pretty bad. So, as a veteran, I get it.

OP responded:

I wasn't really worried about him being gay and I still don't think he is, it was more about his reasons, our situation, and not having the same outlook on marriage. As for the barracks yes im sure they aren't the best but in the year he and I were together he never once complained about his living space so for that to be one of his top reasons it just didn't seem right.

Rocket8000 wrote:

Firstly, your BAH won’t kick in until you’ve cleared the barracks. So his story is already quite off, but I could nitpick that further where there's more wrong with it from a military viewpoint, but it's not really important anymore. Secondly, barracks do suck, he is right. But any one i've seen are not a "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!!!!" situation.

What he did is wrong, not entirely why you may think it is though. Primarily because of boundaries and communication. There are some girlfriends that are fine / support their boyfriend doing a bulls#$t marriage to gain them benefits. The issue is - He didn't know whether you were that type or not, and didn't properly discuss his "idea" with you, and make sure you're comfortable.

Not having the same beliefs or personal boundaries as someone doesn't make either of you better / worse than the other or a bad partner. What makes someone such is how they are able to communicate these things before they become an issue and are able to handle it (whether through compromise, or even breaking up) before hurting the other person. He didn't do that. So you were right to end things with him.

123_LGB wrote:

Good call. And girl, I say this as a stay at home wife. It’s totally cool if that’s what you want to do. But think really hard about the lifestyle you want to live. I’d never be stay at home if my husband was on a military budget.