'AITA for telling my brother he has to change his habits before college?'

"AITA for telling my brother he has to change his habits before college?"

I (23m) graduated from college last year. I live at home right now with my dad and little brother (19m). My brother is starting college after a 1.5 year gap from high school where he worked and figured out what he wanted to major in.

My brother and I grew up in the stereotypical all-male household. My dad was the one who raised us, as my mom left us pretty much the same day my brother was born. So sometimes our house felt kind of like a frat house. A lot of takeout (bless my dad, he did his best), a living room filled with gym equipment, and for all three of us a pants and shirt optional household.

Now after going to college and living with roommates for four years I realized pretty quickly that none of your friends need to see you in your underwear all the time, so I no longer do that. My dad does (it’s his house lol) and so does my brother.

The other day when my brother didn’t even bother to get dressed for his friends coming over, I gave him the heads up he’s going to have to get used to throwing on shorts and a tee when he’s living in the dorms. He insists that he’ll be living with all guys, so he can do what he wants, but I told him if he did that he’d be the dorm weirdo. He didn’t say anything.

But now my dad is coming to me saying I’m an AH for “stressing my brother out” and instilling my weird “prudish” values in him. I thought I was just looking out for him.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

womaninquestion wrote:

NTA. Does your dad not put on clothes before his guy friends come over? Do his friends usually hang out in their none-at-alls?

OP responded:

My dad doesn’t usually have his friends over to the house but he always throws on shorts before our friends come over.

nearbyphilosopher346 wrote:

NTA. but sometimes they just gotta learn it for themselves. Don't force advice on him he will never listen. He probably has trauma for being the one that made his mum leave which is bullshit that's on her but that's probably how he thinks, you're the one she hung around for so there's definitely a thing there. So let him come to you.

Go say sorry and that if he ever does want advice or help you'll be there but you won't make him feel weird about it again. And if he wants to talk about college anytime your doors open. But like knock first also.

OP responded:

Yea I don’t think he has trauma from it, he doesn’t remember her at all.

old_goat2009 wrote:

NTA, but might want to approach advice with a lighter touch and relate it to yourself. "I noticed it felt uncomfortable in my dorm if I was just in my boxers." "I had to learn to pick up on others' social cues." Bless dad for raising two boys who made it to college. But I agree with others that he'll learn one way or the other.

Woodpeckercreepy766 wrote:

NTA. You did the right thing by giving him that advice (and it’s very good advice). I hope he follows it — your experience should reassure him — but unfortunately, sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes and choices.

He’ll come to realize it on his own once he steps away from his usual environment and leaves the nest. Your brother will know that his big brother is there for him. Your father, on the other hand, should take some time to think things through, try to understand your point of view, and maybe — if he manages to — do a bit of self-reflection.

Uubilicious_the_wise wrote:

Unsolicited advice is not often taken well so I'd suggest trying to only give advice when asked for it or when it absolutely needs to be given. I'll take you at face value and say NAH.

You had your brother's best interests at heart here but no one asked for your opinion about college dorm etiquette. All your brother likely heard was "people will think you're a weirdo" and that would stress any young person out who is taking their first steps into living with complete strangers.

And your father is just calling it how he sees it and protecting his son as he should. I do think you should apologise to your brother to clear the air though. Maybe the people you lived with would've seen him as a weirdo but he won't be living with those people. Maybe he'll be lucky enough to find a group of guys who will be okay with this. Ultimately, he'll have his own experience and it may be different to yours.

oakfield01 wrote:

I'm going to go with NAH. The warning was reasonable and a kind thing to try to give your brother a heads up about. Telling him he'll be the dorm weirdo if he keeps doing it was, I think a step too far, even if it was true.

You were able to learn this truth on your own and adapt, your brother should be able to. I will say if his friend is willing to come over without your brother being dressed, I think that shows that at least one person doesn't really care.

Having someone share an experience that doesn't mess with his teenage world view, then calling him a weirdo for not understanding isn't going to help you get your point across. Not enough for me to label you an AH, but still... enough for me to point out it's not helpful and rude.

livethedream2026 wrote:

Oh, you are right to be concerned because you understand the social norms of the household are off center. Yet, I assure you your brother will learn the hard way. You can warn, but he will have to put in the work.

Recommend laying off your brother now that you have made your point. He will eventually have to acknowledge you were right. Meanwhile, dad will stay lost because he tragically only knows his household.

oaomcg wrote:

NTA. Part of being a big brother is helping your little brother learn from your experiences. At the end of the day, you figured it out, he will too. All you can hope for is that your warning helps him pick up on it quicker.

flat_replacement4828 wrote:

NTA. That is an unconventional environment to be raised in, and he is definitely going to make some new potential friends uncomfortable by being in his underwear all the time.