'AITA for telling my brother that the day he was born was the worst day of my life?'
"AITA for telling my brother that the day he was born was the worst day of my life?"
Context: I (F) was born in 1962 in a rural area before ultrasound machines were everywhere, and the nearest town was not that close to us, and babies were born at home and delivered by the same midwife.
So, when I was 7, my mother got pregnant with twins and had no idea she was carrying two babies, and the midwife, who had just delivered the first baby and probably did not realize there was one more to come, had to be immediately driven by my father to another farm where she was needed.
Which means that, when my mother’s contractions started again, I was then alone in a farm with her and the first newborn baby, and it was up to me to deliver my youngest brother with my mother instructing me.
This was hands down the worst and scariest moment of my life because I feared both my mother, and the baby wouldn’t make it. Well, thankfully it all worked out. Now here's what happened: last weekend my husband and I were celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary and we had a party and people were making speeches and talking about us.
But when the mic got to my brother (who of course has no firsthand memory of his own birth and only knows what he was told about it), he took the chance to tell this story as if it was a fun anecdote (‘…and then my dad got home and there were two babies instead of one!
So funny! Anyone, thanks, sis, for helping me come into this world’). And everybody thought it was fun and sweet but to me it was the opposite. It brought back some memories that are not at all positive to me. My mood completely shifted after that, and I think my brother noticed at once because he came to talk to me afterwards and asked if he had said something wrong.
And then I told him this is not a funny story to me and that the day he was born was indeed the worst day of my life, and not something I'd like to think back in a happy moment celebrating my marriage. And he went quiet and then said ‘wow, I was trying to honor you and that’s how you thought of my speech?’.
The thing is I wasn’t saying that him being born was a bad thing, I love my brother. It was just that the circumstances of his birth made the occasion traumatic for me and that he should know better than talking about it as a ‘fun fact’ if he had put himself in my shoes. But now I think I should have kept quiet and said nothing, either it bothered me or not.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Soft-statician326 wrote:
YTA, gently. It's been decades. I get that it was traumatic for you, but first off, everything turned out ok, and second you've had years to process this. If it still bothers you now, you could benefit from therapy.
You should've let it go. To him it's a great story of his birth. It probably feels like a fundamental part of his family story. Maybe sometime you can talk to him about how scared and worried you actually were and while you love him, you don't enjoy the story. But please, NEVER frame it as the "worst day of your life" to him ever again.
glib_result wrote:
VERDICT (based on replies): YTA. It sucks to be reminded of a traumatic memory, but you have no right to be pissed at your brother for failing to read your mind. And even if he had overstepped, there are a million other ways that you could have explained yourself. You chose the most hurtful possible way to tell him. INFO: Had you ever talked to your brother about that experience?
OP responded:
Not personally, no. It was a story told in our family back when he was still a child and I was not much older.
jrssister wrote:
YTA and need some perspective on this. I’m sure what happened was traumatic and horrifying but the worst day of your life? That’s a bit dramatic at your age. Have you never actually lost someone close to you? And “the day you were born was the worst day of my life” is just an all-around horrible thing to say to anyone, much less family.
HoneyBadgerHatesYou wrote:
YTA. If you've never told him how you felt about that day, then there is no way he could possibly know. Also, you could have handled it differently than saying it was the worst day of your life. Perhaps a very stressful and frightening day. Worst day sounds like you hate that he was born.
Bluebumbleb33 wrote:
YTA. How else was he supposed to take what you said?? According to your post and comments, he had no reason to believe it was traumatic for you. People have a wide range of reactions to similar experiences; he’s not a mind-reader.
A simple clarification — “Helping mom give birth to you was traumatic for me. I wasn’t sure if you or mom would survive.” — would have made all the difference here.
odebus wrote:
My sister saved me from dying two decades ago. While it's kind of a funny story for me, even after all this time when someone brings it up she gets tense and kind of dissociates to handle the stress. She was an adult when it happened and she's still extremely traumatized 20 years later. I can only imagine the trauma would be worse for a 7-year-old.
OP was in emotional pain and she worded things insensitively, but given the fact that she was probably having a flashback of her mother screaming, writhing, and gushing blood while worrying about k**ing two family members, I think she deserves compassion.
koifishyfishy wrote:
YTA for how you phrased that. Idk how else someone should take being told "the day you were born was the worst day of my life." Had you said "the day you were born was very traumatic for me, I was so scared that you and Mom wouldn't make it", that would've conveyed a whole different sentiment.