'AITA for telling my brother his wife's passing was his own fault?'
"AITA for telling my brother it’s his fault his wife offed herself and I don’t blame his kids for hating him?"
I’m 23f, and my older brother Brandon is 33m. Him and his wife had three kids, 13f, 12m, 10m. My brother is an active duty marine, and him and his wife had been married for almost 15 years, they got married at 18. My brother went on a deployment last year and cheated on my SIL with a female marine.
Per him, he hadn’t been in love with my SIL for years, but was trying to stick it out so he didn’t lose custody of their kids. But he met his girlfriend on deployment, fell in love or whatever and when he got back he told his wife Jenny that he wanted a divorce and he had cheated on her.
Jenny was pretty distraught and felt like she didn’t know what to do. She gave up her career to raise his kids, and they moved all around the country constantly so she had no stability. She ended up telling the kids she loved them and that dad was divorcing her because he got a new girlfriend, and drove to the station and offed herself in the parking lot while the kids were in school.
The kids have been devastated, and blame my brother for Jenny’s passing. They have been pretty venomous to him, saying they wished he passed instead, etc. The girlfriend broke up with him right away after Jenny passed, she didn’t want to get involved in his family situation. My brother reached out to me to ask me if I would try to get the kids to fix things with him, since I’ve always had a good relationship with them.
I told him that it’s literally his fault Jenny passed, and he shouldn’t have cheated on her. He should’ve given her some notice about the divorce so she could get a vocational degree or at least something so she’d have a means of supporting herself. The divorce wasn’t the problem, it was the way he went about it that was.
I told him that I’d be there for the kids but I don’t blame them for hating him, and that I’m not going to try to get them to change their minds, because I hate him too and think he’s a monster quite frankly. He was upset and tried to make excuses. He got our mom involved who always babied him, and she said I’m terrible for saying the things I said. So I guess...AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
KelsarLabs wrote:
You should turn him into his chain of command if you haven't already done so.
OP responded:
They already know. He ended up being forced out of the military this year when his term was up.
DragonMaster0118 wrote:
NTA it’s 100% your brother's fault and I’m fairly certain he violated a code of conduct the armed forces has doing what he did his girlfriend too but I’m not positive.
OP responded:
He did. She was a younger pfc. the whole ordeal destroyed his career and he was forced out this year.
Quiet-Forestdweller wrote:
Wife of a marine here. NTA. He made big boy decisions and is now regretting the consequences of his big boy decisions and trying to get others to help make the consequences suck less instead of taking responsibility for himself and putting in the work on himself to make his kids not hate him anymore.
You didn’t say you were going to encourage his kids to hate him, you just said you weren’t going to get in the middle of it and told him your feelings too. He needs help, like serious help.
He will most likely not take accountability (especially if your mom babies him) and he will blame the world then slip quickly into depression that he won’t acknowledge (because marines tough, no feel just k**l) and end up k**ling himself too leaving his kids with no parents instead of a parent that messed up but put in the work to be a better person and step up for his children.
My husband got very lucky he avoided these more toxic traits the military imparts and then was able to work on the others he couldn’t avoid and now has really just all the good qualities from the military, but he saw way too many stories like yours while he was enlisted.
manic_panda wrote:
I don't think it's ever right to say out loud to someone that they caused a suicide, unless they actively tried to encourage it and knew what they were doing, but it is fair to be honest and tell them that their behaviour definitely contributed to their mental state if they can handle it.
Your brother did a bad thing in a very cruel way, I doubt he intended for her to kill himself, but he can't hide from the consequences and ignore his culpability. Should you have rubbed salt in the wound? Probably not, but it wasn't completely untrue. Those kids definitely need to go to therapy though, not with a view to forgive him necessarily but definitely to process their anger and loss.
dncrmom wrote:
People divorce, cheat, sacrifice for their kids everyday. They don’t end their life over things. Jenny needed therapy & support. Now her children do. Please, please encourage your brother to get them in with a psychiatrist & into grief counseling. As angry as you are it is time to be strong for these children. It is not your responsibility to change their views, just be there to listen.
Consistent-Star5745 wrote:
You're under no obligation to try and change his kids' feelings about him and this situation. They need a therapist, a professional to help them through this (for their own sake, not his—it's sad that his main focus is their resentment toward him and not how all of this is actually affecting them).
manic_panda wrote:
I don't think its ever right to say out loud to someone that they caused a suicide, unless they actively tried to encourage it and knew what they were doing, but it is fair to be honest and tell them that their behaviour definitely contributed to their mental state if they can handle it.
Your brother did a bad thing in a very cruel way, I doubt he intended for her to take her own life, but he can't hide from the consequences and ignore his culpability. Should you have rubbed salt in the wound? Probably not, but it wasn't completely untrue. Those kids definitely need to go to therapy though, not with a view to forgive him necessarily but definitely to process their anger and loss.