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'AITA for telling my brother he has himself to blame for his wife's cheating?' 'She spent years trying.'

'AITA for telling my brother he has himself to blame for his wife's cheating?' 'She spent years trying.'

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"AITA for telling my brother he has himself to blame for his wife's cheating?"

My older brother (29M) has always has it easy and got way too comfortable in his situation. He was always the favorite compared to myself (25F) and my sister(32F), the handsome kid, popular in high school and with girls, that kind of thing. It seems during college he actually found a long term girlfriend and when he finished up school he married her.

It's been 6 years since they married and he hasn't done anything. His wife has always been a driven, successful woman. How he got her to marry him I will never know.

Since they married he has not worked, they don't have kids, he barely does anything around the house (he outright admits it), he has gained a considerable amount of weight, developed a crippling adult video addiction (he's way too open to admitting it, it's awkward), and spends his days with that or gaming.

My brother got too used to gliding through life because he was always the pretty and fun guy. Now that he had his dream girl who provided for the house and brought in a ton of money without him having to lift a finger, he stopped trying to contribute at all. His wife works and does all the chores. They're roommates.

I've always liked her and we hang out quiet a bit. About 4 years ago she started doing anything she could to fix the relationship, since of course my brother manipulated her into believing it was her fault.

She tried to set up therapy appointments, go to the gym more, encouraging him to go to the gym, tried intimacy more often, cut back hours to spend more time with him, bought him expensive things. She spent years trying everything she could to fix things believing it was her fault.

He didn't try a single thing. Outright rejected therapy, mocked her weight even though she practically has a supermodel figure, insisted his weight was fine, refused to lift a finger for the house, and kept blaming her for the way things were, saying if she tried more, he would be better.

3 years later she was still coming home to him watching videos in a dirty house while she cooked and cleaned. 3 years of her working herself to the bone only to come home to a emotionally abusive husband who beat her down while she tried everything to fix her marriage.

Last year she decided she wanted a divorce. My brother became hostile and promised to drag it out and take as much as he could, as apparently that have a prenuptial that he somehow got her to agree to.

I know very little about divorce laws especially in our state except for that we don't live in an at fault state, but according to her if she tried to go forward with it and he got petty, he could take a lot from her. Everything they have is because of her. She decided against divorce. She was trapped with him and accepted it against mine and others objections.

I guess by then she was over his BS. She slowly spent more time away from home and claimed she was working extra hours. She didn't bother him about therapy or his weight. She actually pretty much stopped interacting with him. She didn't cook anymore.

She didn't clean anymore. It didn't take long for her to admit to me she was spending quite a bit of time with other guys and girls. She never brought any home but was staying out late quite a bit. My brother didn't notice, and I didn't care. For years she was a beaten down shell trying to appease someone who didn't respect her.

Now she was lively, happy, outgoing, and everything she used to be. I'm not happy about her feeling stuck with my brother, or the concept of cheating in general, but apparently it works for her.

It didn't take long for him to find out. Apparently there were alot of people she was meeting. He was livid, demanded she stop, and threatened divorce. She didn't care. She told him he knew where the door was. It was her home soley and she was allowing him to stay out of obligation.

She told him she would gladly stop if he agreed to a fair divorce without him fighting it, and that she was showing decency as a provider and a wife by not bringing her partners into their home.

The thing is, even if my brother got his way in the divorce, he knew that money would not last at all, and without any work experience and the shape he was currently in, he would be screwed. He was an overweight slacker who barely had anything to his name. Prenup or not now he was stuck.

And so that's how it's been for nearly a year. She barely comes home anymore, and the list of APs has only gotten longer. My brother has tried going to the gym more, picking up a part time job, cooking, but it's too late.

He had years to fix this and only chose to change when his back was against the wall. He's been begging me to make her stop and to give their marriage a shot. I told him he's a moron who only has himself to blame.

If you beat down a patient and caring person long enough, they will absolutely mess you up. He needs to just accept a divorce in her favor and learn from this. He didn't like my answer at all and hasn't talked to me for a couple weeks.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Trailsya said:

Normally I say: get divorced first, but he was actively obstructing divorce. NTA and so is your SIL. She is actually smart in getting him to become active this way, making him less dependent on her money.

kmflushing said:

I came here to say cheating is never okay. Just break up. However... I've actually changed my mind. She did try to break up. After trying to make up for his shortcomings. For years! He literally blackmailed her into staying. Extortion marriage. So, NTA. And honestly, neither is your SIL. She checked out of that marriage a long time ago.

Some people will say she should have still divorced him and let him take her to the cleaners with assets and alimony, but I kind of admire her for her actions. He made her life a living hell while living it up in videos and sloth.

She decided to return the favor instead of rewarding it. Now, she's the one living it up by having a good life while not giving up all her current and future assets. How absolutely bada$% of her. Impressive. Yes, I'd feel the same way if the genders were reversed.

ImSelerah said:

NTA. People can’t treat someone like that and expect no repercussions.

AntSpiritual3269 said:

NTA - Normally I’d not condone cheating but there is always an exception to the rule and this is it. I hope your brother allows a fair divorce so she can have the life she deserves but if not I hope she carries on living her life as she sees fit with no regard for him.

Open-Total-3238 said:

NTA. You told your brother he's to blame for his wife's cheating because he neglected their relationship for years, leaving her feeling unappreciated and trapped, and now he's facing the consequences of his inaction.

alc3880 said:

NTA. So he peaked in high school/college and thought he would be able to glide through life on his good looks and charming nature lol. I guess he got checked with reality. He did do it to himself. Too bad so sad.

Bitter-Picture5394 said:

NTA. I can't consider what your SIL is doing as divorce. She made it clear she was done with the marriage and wanted a divorce. He actively made it a hostile situation to stop her. So she didn't pursue the divorce but never resumed the marriage. He should have accepted he is no longer her partner and let her go.

If he wants to hang on to the marriage he needs to accept it is a marriage of convenience, be grateful she is supporting him, and mind his own business. If he can't then he needs to give her a divorce.

Everyone was unanimously on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this situation?

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