'AITA for telling my brother-in-law to stop showing up unannounced when my husband isn’t home?'
"AITA for telling my brother-in-law to stop showing up unannounced when my husband isn’t home?"
i (28F) don’t know if I’m just being paranoid or what, but something about my brother in law (let’s call him Tyler, 32M) has been really bothering me lately. So here's what’s been happening.
My husband (30M, Chris) and I have been married for about four years. We live in a quiet little place in Michigan. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s home. Lately though, things haven’t felt so... safe.
Tyler, Chris’s older brother keeps showing up at our house. uninvited. like… a lot. And not when Chris is home. Nope. It’s always when he’s at work or running errands or out with friends.
Like last Tuesday, I was in the middle of folding laundry, and the doorbell rang. I opened the door, and there he was, smiling like nothing was weird. I asked, “what’s up?” He said, “just checking something.”
That’s always what he says. “Just checking something.” Checking what, exactly? He never has an actual reason. He just walks around, looks at random stuff in the garage, stares at the thermostat like it’s gonna tell him a secret, and then sits at the kitchen table like he lives here.
I started to feel super uncomfortable, so I told Chris about it. I thought he’d be weirded out too, but no. He just shrugged and went, “Maybe he needs something. You know how he is.”
Okay, yeah Tyler’s always been a little off, but this feels different. So I tried to set a boundary. Next time Tyler came over this was like three days ago, I told him, “hey, I'd really prefer if you didn’t stop by when Chris isn’t home. It makes me a little uncomfortable.”
He just stared at me. Like dead silent. Then he kinda smirked and said, “sure, whatever you want,” but in that tone. You know the one. And now I’m the bad guy. Chris is mad at me for making things awkward. His mom called and asked why I’m “being cold” to Tyler.
Like ??? I don’t feel safe. I’m not trying to start drama. I’m trying to protect myself. But now it’s this whole thing. Everyone thinks I’m “making a big deal out of nothing.” Chris won’t talk to me about it anymore. He just says, “Tyler’s family. you’re overreacting.”
Am i?? Like, am I seriously being too sensitive here? I don’t know anymore. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I just don’t like how it feels when he’s around.
It’s this creepy, quiet tension. Like he’s watching me. So now i’ve basically banned my brother-in-law from our house unless Chris is home. And everyone’s acting like i committed a federal crime. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA - trust your gut. Your husband needs to get on your side ASAP.
Seaellist209 (OP)
Thank you. That’s what I’ve been telling myself. I just wish my husband saw it the same way instead of brushing it off.
Hate to say it, but your husband is the common denominator here. How else would his brother know exactly when he’s gone and only show up then? He might not “see it the same way” as you do, if it was being done at his behest.
I have two possible thoughts. One is that he fancies you. The second is that he's checking up on you and suspects you of having an affair - and your husband knows/ has asked him to. My feeling is option 2. Stop answering the door to him.
I think it’s #2 as well because of how everyone on husband’s side reacted. ETA: I made this remark on my other comment because it’s the first thing I was wondering when I read the post, how does Tyler know when Chris is running errands?
Work I get, there’s a schedule. But errands can be random. Is Chris calling him to let him know he’s out of the house or is someone/Tyler watching the house to see when Chris leaves the house? Are there cameras in the house that OP doesn’t know about that alert Tyler/Chris? It’s creepy regardless of what the answer is.
Do they think that you’re having an affair or something? Whatever it is it sounds like your husband is in on it. How else would his brother know when he’s not home?
Seaellist209 (OP)
That’s exactly what’s been messing with my head. I don’t want to believe they’re hiding something, but how else would he always know when Chris isn’t here? It’s not like I post my schedule.
I would tell your husband I've been thinking about and I've come to the conclusion that. 1. It would seem either you or your family don't trust me and you keep asking your brother to check on me. Or 2. Your brother is watching is because he always knows when you are gone.
AND ( not or) 3. You clearly don't care about whether I'm comfortable in MY HOME. If this behavior and utter disregard continues I may go stay somewhere else for a little bit to get some space."
Whatever is happening, your husband is in on it.
Get a ring cam and don’t answer when it’s him?
Seaellist209 (OP)
That’s actually a really good idea. I think it’s time I start setting firmer boundaries—and having proof if things get weirder.
Go with your gut and protect yourself. Humans have evolved as long as we have largely due to social intelligence. If something is telling you that you’re not safe, good chance you’re not. Don’t keep up the fight with the in-laws. Just get a ring cam and if he asks why you didn’t answer just say you must have been in the shower…
Side note, you might want to think about what you’re actually gonna do if he finds a way in still. I’d be locking myself in the bathroom and calling the cops personally. Pretend you didn’t know it was him and just say home invasion.
So as others have said, I think it’s because either your husband thinks you’re cheated and has put him up to it or someone on your husband’s side of the family (mom, Tyler, etc) think you’re cheating and they want to catch you. Get a ring camera. And also get a nanny camera and don’t tell your husband about the 2nd camera.
The other question I had when I first read your post - how does he know when your husband is gone? Is Chris letting him know? Does Chris have a schedule that Tyler knows? Or is Tyler or someone else watching the house? Or are there cameras set up that you don’t know about? Regardless you are not being paranoid and are NTA. Something weird is going on.