"AITA for telling my brother not everything is about him?"
Hi all!
So I 25F every year get into an argument with my older brother M32 every year over the Christmas holidays because my brother comes over and he says that nobody is there to receive him.
For context: My older brother has been emancipated since the age of 16 and prior to that he was sent to a correction facility due to aggressive behavior caused by our grandma (our legal guardian) and long story short she was super abusive to the both of us.
She would make a habit of telling us that our "mother abandoned us because she didn't love us," when in reality it's was because she was getting treatment for her mental illness.
This caused my brother to develop anger towards the world and our mother. I also want to mention that my mom is the sweetest most loving person in the world and endures the disrespect that my brother gives her because she loves him. As a kid, the responsibility of taking care of my brother (I have always been more emotionally mature) would fall on me and as a result I didn't get to have a childhood.
My family also has a habit of coddling my brother and then when he becomes spoiled suddenly the responsibility falls on me to "give him the talk". I've been doing this since 2011 and honestly I'm tired of it. Now for the story my brother started complaining that he is "stressed" because comes over ever year and he always ends up bored and alone.
My brother lives in the UK and he travels to see his family. Normally he stays here for 2 weeks and usually I'm working at this time and so are other of my family members. 2 days ago I ended up having a conversation with him about why he keeps complaining so much and his response was "nobody is ever available when o come on holiday.
If I wanted to be by myself I would have stayed in the UK". My response "look I get it, but the world doesn't revolve around you . People have jobs to do, bills to pay and a life to sustain. That doesn't stop just because you are here. If you want to come over from Christmas you need to accept that things are like they were back when we where kids."
Even though my brother is 32 he lacks a lot of self awareness and emotional maturity and often can become quite sensitive when you are too blunt with him. Believing that "people don't care about me because they never spare time for me"
So am I the AH?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NeitherPop3543 wrote:
When were you supposed to take care of your brother? When you were 2 and he 9? 5 and 13? 7 and 15?
OP responded:
No when I was first expected to take care of him officially at the age of 10 and he was 16/17. Which was when he got out of the correction facility. But when I was 4 my grandma spanked me because my brother had left me alone on the streets when we went to the local markets (this was in the UK) and my grandma told my brother to take care of me and she walked off.
My brother 5 minutes later told me to wait for him because he wanted to check the butcher for meat and after 20 minutes none of them showed up so I asked a random stranger for help since I had no cell (this was in 2004) and I hadn't seen them in more than 20 minutes.
The authorities were called and that's when my grandma and brother ran to look for me. When we got home my grandma beat me saying that it was "my fault and I put her at risk" when I tried defending myself saying my brother had left me she hurt me again and told me "he's immature you should know this by now." All while my brother laughed like it was the funniest thing ever.
BigBennyT wrote:
I'm sorry, did you say it was your job to take care of your brother growing up? Your brother that is 7 years older than you?
OP responded:
Yes, unfortunately growing up it was always my responsibility to talk sense into him since he has always been immature and as a result I was forced grow up. Which sucks.
cottonmercer666 wrote:
NTA, not at all. You actually seem like the kind of person you describe your mother as, sweet and kind. So please, don't think of yourself as TA. Your brother...here in the US you are considered a legal adult at the age of 18. So IMO, he has had 14 years to get all the help he needs to overcome these issues of being self absorbed and self-centered.
That he doesn't see a problem isn't on you; that your family spoils him and allows this behavior on a yearly basis is unconscionable.
Maybe you need a break from family come the holidays. Maybe you should do something special for yourself and get away from the annual toxic display.
OP responded:
I honestly believe he is so self-centered because he has always been coddled as a kid/teen. The excuse was "oh he had a rough childhood."
Ok-Cow8668 wrote:
They expect YOU to deal with your OLDER brother when he acts up?? NTA at all, he's been coddled enough and needs a good wakeup call. i know he's had a rough past but he's 32!
OP responded:
I really hope he does wake up! Because he knows he's not getting any younger and time is ticking.