'AITA for telling my brother to stop inviting his girlfriend everywhere?'
"AITA for telling my brother to stop inviting his girlfriend everywhere?"
My (24F) brother (20M) has been dating his girlfriend (24F) for about two years. My mom and I have never had a great relationship with her, but we’ve never been cruel, excluded her, or openly rude.
That said, there are several reasons we’re uncomfortable with her. They originally met years ago at a grocery store where I also worked while in college. At the time, my brother was 16 and she was 20.. and she was his manager.
One day she approached me at work and told me it was “weird” that I was hanging around a 16-year-old so much, and that “he’s 16 if you didn’t know.” I had to tell her that he was literally my brother. I also didn’t know at the time that she was interested in him or that she was my age. She eventually apologized, but things have been awkward ever since.
The bigger issue is that she waited until my brother turned 18 to officially date him, and then moved in with him one month after he moved out. He moved out in August 2023, and by September she had moved in and quit her job because she couldn’t be both his manager and his girlfriend.
My brother has since admitted he feels obligated to “take care of her” because she quit her job “for him.” Two years later, she still hasn’t found a job because she can’t pass a dru/g test, so my brother has been fully supporting her while also paying his way through college.
She also never leaves his side. She attends every family event, even when it’s inappropriate. Today was my grandmother’s funeral (someone she had never met) and she showed up high, reeking of Mary Jane, wearing see-through leggings and a stained T-shirt. During the service, her phone went off repeatedly because she wouldn’t silence it.
People were grieving, and all you could hear was her text notification every few minutes. This isn’t new behavior. She regularly shows up to family gatherings smelling like that, barely acknowledging anyone, and staying on her phone the entire time. My mom and I have tried to be polite despite how rude she’s been, but today crossed a line.
After the funeral, I told my brother that I agree with our mom: she isn’t good for him. I didn’t tell him to break up with her, but I suggested he stop bringing her to family events, especially after how uncomfortable today made everyone. He told me I was being selfish and caring too much about what the family thinks. Now I’m worried I may have damaged my relationship with him (and possibly both of them). AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SuspiciousCod1090 wrote:
Sounds like a boundary is needed. I would have told her to leave the funeral once she walked in dressed as described. She was inappropriate and disrespectful before the phone even went off. You're right, she's crossed a line. If your brother wants to be with her, so be it; you can't tell him who to date. You can, however, tell him that she's not welcome at family gatherings. NTA.
OP responded:
This is how I am feeling. I don’t want to be an annoying rat who just constantly tells him to break up with her (even though I think he should) so I think the best thing is to just ask him to distance her from the rest of us.
Abject_Lawfulness_72 wrote:
She definitely groomed him, but all the adults in his life did nothing to protect him... He's stuck too, as he feels he owes her in a way. Definitely a tough decision, but if he can't tell how it's affecting others then he's got some heavy rose tented glasses.
Unfortunately you'll just have to let him crash and burn with her at this point, as he'll not leave her. Everyone is the a bc if someone noticed the grooming behavior beforehand, none of this would have happened. And the brother is an a too because he won't turn his blinders off. ETA.
OP responded:
While I agree he’s stuck too.. I disagree that all the adults in his life did nothing to protect him. Besides the one interaction I had with her years ago, I (and everyone else) had no idea they were romantically involved with each other until the day my brother told us all she moved in with him. By that time, her name was already on the lease. My brother kept it under the rug because he knew we’d say something.
Mushroomvenom wrote:
NTA. As a victim of grooming who's the same age as your brother, you're in a difficult spot that doesn't really have a right or wrong answer. Your brother deserves a support system outside of his manipulative, abusive girlfriend, but there's only so much you can do for victims of grooming, especially now that he is an adult who isn't subjected to his parents' rules.
Groomers gaslight and manipulate their victims to question their reality and feel guilty for noticing red flags. Anything you say to your brother is going to be twisted by his girlfriend and used in her favor to make her look like the victim, so he isn't going to realize the gravity of the situation he's in until he has a moment of clarity, and you can't force that.
It's smart not to have her come to family events, but do not be surprised if this makes him pull away further, and plan accordingly for how to support him with the change in dynamic. Try to keep contact with him on some level, but keeping your space until he reaches out to you is the best course of action for him and for your own well-being and state of mind.
Look into support groups or forums for people who have family members facing domestic violence who refuse to leave if you can. It could help you gain some perspective and recommendations on how to move forward in a way that helps your brother while still protecting yourself.