'AITA for telling my colleague I'm looking for another job after she was promoted instead of me?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my friend/colleague I'm looking for another job after she was promoted instead of me?"

I (42M) have been at my job for 8 months now. But I've known my manager, deputy manager and another colleague for a few years - I worked with them for 2 years and left to go to my last job in 2019 where I stayed until last year.

When I was talking to my manager when I was going for this job, I told him that I have ambition and I wanted to leave that job because I was working as good as a manager but not being paid or recognized for it and he said that this role will be restructured when people leave/retire this year and basically as he remembers how good a worker I was, I'd be definitely in consideration for a senior/managerial role.

So I've been there 8 months, passed my probation and done really well. I have a colleague in my last place (36F) who I worked with for the last 2 years and we're actually good friends too - I also know her husband really well from back in the day. I actually approached her for the job and put in a good word for her - she's brilliant in her jobs.

Very quick learner and really proficient. And truth be told, she's been doing really well since she started in May. I've also been training her. Sods law though that I left my last place because they refused to promote anyone and didn't want a manager but as soon as I left, they promoted her and gave her a pay rise to try and keep her.

I had last week off on annual leave and when I came back this week, my manager took me to one side for a meeting on Monday. He told me he wanted me to know before anyone else that the restructure is now happening and they're creating a supervisor role.

And my colleague is the one who's been offered the job. He knew I was gutted about it and I asked him why her and he said basically as good as I am, he thinks she would be better as a manager and has more qualities that suit it and also as she's technically been a senior in the last role, it looks better to higher ups.

I said I wasn't happy and that I want to be a manager one day and he said that I'm an amazing employee, probably the most reliable on my team and technically the most proficient but doesn't think I have the qualities to be a manager. I was just so deflated I zoned out for the rest of his spiel and went back to work afterwards.

He announced it and everyone was all happy for her and congratulating her. I basically was quiet. I messaged her later on about it, trying to joke around as we have that sort of humour. I was all like "thanks a lot for nicking my job mate, really appreciate it." She was trying to be all sympathetic back saying "nooo I'm so sorry, I feel so bad. How do you feel?"

I said basically I'm going to look for another job, I don't think I can stay there after that." She was going like no don't leave - is it because of me? I said yeah basically, I'm done and she went please don't,I'll need you now more than ever. I said you'll be fine, just don't get a job wherever I go and steal my promotion again mate lol. She didn't reply and left me on 2 blue ticks.

I've been doing the bare minimum the rest of this week - especially on my working from home days, I've updated my CV and am applying for other jobs. She's tried to talk to me this week and so have others, I feel like I just want to get out there. AITA for being honest with her and looking for another job?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Civion wrote:

She hasn’t done anything wrong, you seem to be acting like a spoilt child. The company promoted the best person for the job in their opinion, why not act professional and do your job, watch and see what makes her a good manager & learn from it, be ready for the next opportunity that arises

OP responded:

I've never said she's done anything wrong. I just feel salty about it. I've been the professional for many years and "done my job" when someone has been promoted and in my experience, it gets you nowhere. You get told you're "valued" but never actually have that reflected in my pay and career progression.

Bbchaidez wrote:

You're not doing anything wrong, and neither is the company. The company gave they're appraisal but you know your worth, and from the sound of it your friend does too since she was banking on you staying. Don't burn bridges, but go and get the job/position you deserve.

OP responded:

I'm not staying just to make other people's lives easier. I mean yeah I won't burn bridges but I'm not going to go above and beyond anymore.

asafeplaceofrest wrote:

NTA but have you considered that you can be good at what you are doing but still not be manager material? Not that one is better than the other, but being a manager requires a different set of skills.

OP responded:

Thing is though, being good at what I do isn't going to give me the things I want - more pay, better bonuses and the recognition. In my field, managers make double what non-managers do and deputies get a good wage too.

Catlover9382 wrote:

NTA You reacted as any normal person would. Get a new job and never talk to her again. She is not your friend.

OP responded:

No I think our friendship is done.

Odd_Welcome7940 wrote:

I think you are misplacing your anger. You admit how good she is. You know she likely does deserve such a role in general. However, just not over you. What did you want from her? To turn it down? Let's be real i think you should leave.

Absolutely walk away. That said, you seem to be trying to hide resentment towards her in humor. Which really isn't totally fair. I am going not the Ahole, but refocus all that anger towards management above you both.

OP responded:

I mean no, I wouldn't expect her to turn it down because I wouldn't. But it does sting that Yet again, someone I've trained is promoted over me. And especially someone who now twice, has had a senior role in a job that I've worked.

jonjohn23456 wrote:

You keep saying she was promoted twice over you, but that simply is not true. You left the first job, you weren’t there to be promoted. Now you can rationalize that they would not have promoted her if you hadn’t left, but I don’t think that is true.

Promotion into management isn’t just a “next step” thing that you just get handed to you because you’ve “put in your time and you deserve it.” There actually has to be an opening in management that you will fit into. They wouldn’t have just promoted her “to keep her happy,” who was she going to manage? You left, an opportunity came up for her and she gained valuable experience.

You probably should have realized that most companies are going to go with a proven manager over an unproven worker who doesn’t have the experience before you brought her in to your new job. It really shows your attitude that you are blaming her instead of looking at the fact that two times the higher ups didn’t think you had what it takes to be a manager.

OP responded:

No she actually told me they promoted her because they knew she wanted to leave and wanted to keep her - it was a contractual thing, if they promoted her and made her senior, she had to give 3 months notice. So she accepted knowing she'd get a job at my place.

I mean it doesn't matter what the "higher ups" think though, I'm not going to work under a person who I helped train over the years and is now ahead of me. I'll just be miserable and I know I won't be able to hack it.

starkidwonderbutt wrote:

YTA - your colleague was better qualified for the role. it’s not her fault that she was offered the opportunity and took it. Directly messaging her and threatening to quit because you didn’t get a promotion is really childish, and honestly a bit cruel. Be a man and congratulate her. Maybe restructure your resume to showcase your leadership talents.

OP responded:

She annoys me though because she doesn't have to try to succeed - she's one of those sickeningly talented people who falls into roles without having to ever apply. I have to f#$king break my back just to get by.

A week later, OP shared an update.

Okay so before my update just to clarify, mainly regarding the way I've reacted to my colleague who was promoted and the criticism I shouldn't take it out on her and I was unprofessional in the way I acted. Yep, 100% I will own that I probably was unprofessional.

But in my defense, one of the reasons that I accepted this job was because I told my manager I was leaving my last place because they kept on promising me promotion and then it never happened and he did say I would be in contention for a senior role there. And then I've trained her twice only for her to now be my boss and have to report to her and she tell me what to do.

It's happened before to me and it never ends well - the promoted person always treats you like s--t and let's it go to their head.

So now for the actual update.

Manager took me to one side for a meeting on Tuesday as people have said to him they've seen how down I am and not my usual self and as it was after our last meeting, he wanted to see how I feel now. I basically told him - I feel hurt, that if I knew I wouldn't have left my last place and definitely wouldn't have recruited my old colleague in.

He said it was a professional decision and that it had nothing to do with me as a person and gave me some feedback - that she's calm under pressure and doesn't make little errors I sometimes do when I'm stressed, doesn't take criticism personally and doesn't get angry when people are angry with her whereas I need to work on those last 2 points.

He said give my promoted colleague my support, learn from her etc I personally don't agree and think I could train those things and was pretty annoyed by the last "learn from her" spiel bit but I just bit my tongue. Also, he said as her last role was senior on her CV, it's far easier to make someone a manager when they've done it on paper when he's talking to his managers.

He stressed again I'm an amazing asset, still the best worker in the team and my technical and legislative knowledge is the best and my data analysis skills are very powerful. And that the reports I create are very helpful especially for his bosses and they notice how valuable my skills are and still mention to him about how good this report I made for him bespoke not long after I joined the company.

That just because I'm not a manager, I'm in no way less important. I said like that's all well and good but that isn't going to give me the pay rise I want, the satisfaction that I've reached my own personal and professional goals is it.

He said maybe I shouldn't see being a manager as the be all and end all and maybe look up a technical role and do the other level 4 technical qualification instead of the manager course that develops my knowledge and technical skills to be even better at my job - he said hardly anyone goes that route.

I definitely should and be the "technician" of the team, the one everyone asks for advice and develop our procedures of the department more. And that maybe yes, at the moment it wouldn't increase my salary for the time being but being qualified in that way and having that role on an unofficial basis.

He could take my case to his bosses and argue that it should be an actual official role in the department created just for me that is a senior role and I should be paid more on par with a manager because I'm worth it but not have to worry about managing people.

And failing that doesn't happen one of his long term goals is to increase our importance in the company hierarchy and increase our personal grades and salary bands so eventually it won't matter I'm a manager as we'll all be paid well.

So yes, it won't happen over night and won't be imminent but he'll do his best. He said to think about it, don't do anything rash, give 100% and we'll discuss it in my annual appraisal in 3 months time.

(So in a nutshell - he didn't say this I'm summarising, "she's better than me, be her lackey and I won't be promoted but keep on working hard to make everyone else look good in the vague hope big bosses eventually give me a pay rise."

This could take years, the course is a year minimum and then I have to stay there 2 years so I don't have to pay the course back so I'll be in my mid 40's then which is really too old to be getting a first time manager gig in my profession).

I was pretty down after that and have just kept to myself - I've not slacked but haven't busted my arse either. She (promoted colleague) messaged me and asked me if we could go for a dinnertime walk Wednesday to "clear the air" and talk.

I told her I'd rather not, that I just want to think for a bit and haven't got anything to say so she respected it and had left me alone and said to talk when I'm ready. I'm sick of talking things out with people like this, I just want to think myself for a bit without anyone trying to convince me of s#$t that suits them or make me feel ok - they only ever talk at you, but never listen to you.

I've put my CV out there too a few places. I got a message quite quickly from an old client that I dealt with in my last job asking if I want to talk about a senior role at their company in my profession so I had a teams chat earlier and it went well - they'll let me know if it's going to go to a formal interview soon.

The internet was deeply invested.

Ok-Cicada5268 wrote:

You apologize...something you really need to do, regardless if she'll be an ally. I've been watching your saga for the past few days and at first I felt awful for you, but you've crossed the line and are now wallowing in your grief and actively sabotaging your future.

Yes, you were dealt a bad hand, but your friend had nothing to do with that and you took it out on her. Even your boss tried to soften the blow that he knew you would feel, but you are ignoring everything he said.

Look I get it. You felt that you had been lied to and betrayed (by neither your friend or your boss BTW, the decision was probably higher up), but the way you are acting and feeling will turn everyone against you.

You need to be a bigger man and swallow your ego (yes, it's ego now...not self-respect) and apologize to your colleagues for your behavior. If they are true friends they will forgive you and help craft a plan to move forward.

OP responded:

I don't really think making a vague promise that he'll probably not deliver on as "softening the blow." I've been alive too long now to know that "try" means as good as "won't happen."

I was thinking about this today. It wasn't when I I first spoke to him about the job that I mentioned I was interested in management. I told him my ambitions on my first 1-2-1 and then when I passed my 6 month probationary and he seemed very open and receptive.

But he's gone behind my back the week I was off and promoted someone else and didn't even give me the courtesy of telling me beforehand and then told me "forget it, it won't happen" and made a BS promise I know he won't deliver on. So unless this plan involves guaranteed promotion/increase in grade and a pay rise, I'm not interested.

Nobodybutshadowred wrote:

This was twenty-odd years ago. Our agency was headed by six commissioners who got staggered 18 month terms, so in theory, one changed every six months. I wasn't trying for a promotion, but I was trying to get some improvements for my people. My boss promised, several times, that he would give them them the improvements we wanted by such-and-such time.

Never happened. So finally we met and he promised again. I pointed out that he had repeatedly promised and never delivered. He said that it was hard to do when the leadership changes every six months, not that I believe our commissioners would have been involved.

I pointed out that the situation had been the same every time that I talked to him, so why had he made previous promises? No answer. He was finally gifted to another unlucky agency. So no, I wouldn't wait on what your boss claims he hopes to do at some time, particularly since he's lead you on before. Best of luck in your job search.

redelectro7 wrote:

I'd just leave the company. If you get another offer go there because where you are is clearly not making you happy. Doesn't matter if they claim you're 'valuable' if you're not happy there it's not worth staying.

DuePromotion287 wrote:

I think this is a case where there is a bit of truth on both sides. Someone has to actually make the sausage and you have shown your value in that. It is far much harder to find that or replace those individuals. Also, you showed and communicated your emotions in a much too temperamental way directly with others you work with.

Especially for a potential management individual. Effectively you have probably reached as high as you are going to go at your current place of employment. I do not think you are wrong in assuming it will take multiple years to possibly promote up.

Roughly a week later, OP shared another update.

Thanks to everyone who took the time out to reply in my previous 2 posts btw. Really appreciate it. First and foremost - I didn't get that job. Got a call from my old client contact to say they're going to try and cope with the resources they have in house for the foreseeable future and see if it's a success.

But he stressed they thought I was great, I'm the sort of person they'd recruit if they were going to recruit so he said he'd keep my CV and details on file and if it doesn't work 6-12 months from now, I'd be first on the list for an interview. I personally think it's all a load of bollocks and I'll never hear from him again so if I do, I'll eat my own arse.

I've also been applying for more jobs. One, a recruitment agent rang me about and it seemed promising but as typical UK recruitment agent BS, they then contacted me back not long after saying they didn't go for me but they'd keep my details on file, get in contact if there's anything suitable etc etc.

Everything else is no good - either for less money or if it is ok, too far away in the country to even commute realistically. But I'm keeping my eyes open, and am very selective. I've checked out at work now and am doing the basics - I've had enough now, just don't want to be here anymore.

I'm doing the minimum this week and also doing my contracted Hours - getting in on time, leaving on time, having my exact lunch break and not eating at my desk. People keep on asking me if I'm ok, I've just said yeah I'm fine. Also asking for my usual dad jokes as it's been a couple of weeks and I've said I don't have any.

Our department deputy manager (Big Boss' deputy, not recently promoted colleague) came back from holiday Monday and was talking to us all and they mentioned about this work experience person who's coming in next month and she said the plan was for her to sit with me for the time she's with us and get me to show her things, train her etc.

I said no, I don't think I'm comfortable with it and to get her to sit with someone else. She said why and I said to chat with our manager/newly promoted colleague about it. She just went quiet and I didn't hear anymore (manager has been working from home so I haven't seen him).

Also, we've been taking in some different work from the whole restructuring thing and there's this one task/procedure we're going to have to do - a few people in my team were talking about it including promoted colleague. Instantly, I knew the sorts of things we should do - create a new database/spreadsheet, get IT to write particular codes, write this sort of report to use and have people check in.

But I kept quiet. Didn't say anything. Someone asked me "what do you think, this is right up your alley this?" I just said no idea, I think management should look at it. Which kind of ended my input in the conversation. Promoted colleague is now starting to train with the deputy in the tasks that she's going to take over from her and the manager in the restructure.

Also she's been included in the teams managers calls/meeting. And I've seen it all in front of me. Feels like rubbing salt into the wound.

I also didn't go to the celebratory meal that was held to celebrate promoted colleagues promotion last night - deputy manager and another colleague who's been on holiday too decided to book something as soon as they heard about the promotion and said we need an excuse to do something social.

I said no, it's my Karate class and I'm not missing a lesson and people were going no come, don't be a Grinch, you can miss a lesson mate and weren't really giving me an opportunity to say no so I said I'll see what I can do (and we're at me all week) - and then I just didn't turn up.

I had a few WhatsApp messages in the work group chat and texts but I said sorry, can't leave my class early. I just guarantee they'd be b*&ching about me, lol.

It's my WFH day today myself and I've not heard from anyone this morning yet, not even to ask me any questions. I think people are catching on now. I dare say when I'm back in next week and manager is in the office, I'll probably be having a sit down with him and the deputy and have another "chat". Look forward to it (not), lol.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

OkStrength5245 wrote:

Send your resume to recruitment society. They really have a stash of high profiles that they are eager to put in places opening. Also, consider therapy. You have been hit the hard way. It woke up past events ( like your previous job). You need to be mentally fit for your coming interviews. See it as doing gym to prepare a competition.

I have been there. I know. Your anger and sadness are legit. But if you stay in, the situation won't evolve. Pay a shrink so you can scream at him, redefine your sun's and your means, and take out unused talents that could make thd difference. You are never too rich, too armed or too prepared. Remember : the best revenge is to live a happy life without them.

Glittering_Figure wrote:

I think it’s smart of you to stick to your required job duties only, because cutting back on the extra should make it clear how much you’ve been taking on. However, I do think you should be careful around your coworkers. Reducing your workload is one thing but damaging workplace relationships is another especially if you’ll need references or if word of mouth holds weight in your industry.

Also, while your management has made it clear a promotion from them won’t be coming, a raise could. If they ask you to pick back up on your previous duties then you should consider picking them back up IF you are paid for them.

Goidelica wrote:

Man I totally understand, that was two people who were supposed to be on your side who treated you like you were disposable and now everyone's expecting you to eat shit and like it. Don't do anything so bad that it might affect you getting a better spot somewhere better but I don't blame you at all for checking out. Good luck.

Edit: Oh, and that f#$kin weasel trying to gaslight you into doing extra work for some other fictional promotion is just the shitty cherry on the turd cake, also.