'AITA for telling my dad he can’t just bring random men into my house?'

"AITA for telling my dad he can’t just bring random men into my house?"

My dad came over the other day to visit. When he arrived, he casually mentioned that someone was coming by to drop something off. I didn’t know this person, and neither did my housemates or boyfriend. It wasn’t just a quick hand-off at the door, they came inside.

For context, my boyfriend and my female housemate are on the lease. I live here with them and her boyfriend. None of us were comfortable with a complete stranger entering our home without warning, especially since the person he brought wasn’t the kind of person we’d normally feel safe letting in.

My boyfriend reacted pretty strongly in the moment. His tone could’ve been more respectful, but he was shocked and basically told my dad he can’t just invite people into our home without asking.

He compared it to bringing his cousins to my dad’s house without permission, to make the point about boundaries. My dad took that as a threat and got really offended. This kind of thing isn’t new. My dad has always liked to push my boundaries.

He belittles me, tests how far he can go, and often takes it personally if I don’t do exactly what he wants. He’s brought up that he’s brought people over before, and when I said that in those cases we knew beforehand, he scoffed and asked if meeting this guy in advance would have even mattered. I said yes, of course it would have. We went to dinner later, and he blew up even more.

He said he doesn’t feel comfortable in my house anymore, that he could “beat my boyfriend up,” that he made a mistake raising me because I’m “so disrespectful,” and that he’s thought about cutting us off over this. He framed the whole situation as me not trusting him, when it was never about that, it’s about respecting the other people who live here and the boundaries of a home he doesn’t own.

I tried to calmly explain that it’s not personal, but he’s refusing to see it that way and insists he’s in the right. So, AITA for backing up my housemates and boyfriend and telling my dad he can’t just invite strangers into our house?

EDIT: This might’ve sounded like a sympathy post, but I was just really struggling with guilt. I honestly felt like TA, like if I’d just handled things a bit more differently maybe it wouldn’t have blown up. Maybe I was disrespectful because he is my dad and he has done a lot for me, But the only way that would’ve worked is if I rolled over and gave in to his demands. Thank you everyone.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

StrippinChicken wrote:

"That he could 'beat my BF up.'

This was where you should have stood up, paid for your portion of dinner, and left, because you shouldn't tolerate anyone threatening your SO.

"That he made a mistake raising me because I'm 'so disrespectful,'

This was your second chance to stand up and walk out, because you shouldn't tolerate anyone disrespecting yourself. Edited for judgment: NTA.

OP responded:

When he did threaten that, I said I wanted to go home and that I was leaving. I stepped out and we had a conversation outside, I’m still trying to resolve things but it’s obviously not going anywhere.

He drove me to dinner, so I was going to call someone to pick me up, but I’m what now I’m sure was some kind of power play he insisted that ‘he be the one to drive me home’ yeah I don’t know why I got in the car.

I kind of said no thanks it’s alright I’ll get a lift but I didn’t really want to disturb my boyfriend with this when my dad has just threatened him. He made the comment about the mistake of raising me in the car. I do see where I went wrong and shouldn’t have done a lot of things I did, but I was trying to get us back on good terms.

BigMax wrote:

NTA. As far as him saying "he's not comfortable" there anymore, that's a GOOD thing. Why is he just coming over all the time as if it's his place anyway? That's NOT ok when you have roommates, even when he's not bringing random strangers along.

Tell him "look, you're uncomfortable coming over, so I think it's for the best if you just stop coming over. You're overstepping boundaries and privacy, and from now on, if you want to get together, we can just meet out for coffee somewhere."

You need to learn a skill though - that of not engaging. When you tell him he's not welcome anymore just end the conversation. "I'm not talking about this anymore." Just repeat that a few times, then if he won't drop it, just leave.

"We can talk some other time, bye." Don't engage, that's what he wants. He WANTS you to be upset and frazzled and stressed around him, that's how he keeps control. Take it back by going "gray rock" (it's a real technique, look it up) and just not engaging, and walking away whenever needed.

OP responded:

We actually all have our families come over, it’s something we agreed on from the start. We were friends before we became roommates, and when we moved in together, we had a conversation about being comfortable hanging out with each other’s families. So it’s not like guests are some rare, unwelcome thing here.

The uncomfortable part for all of us was that this was a stranger, someone none of us had met or agreed to have in the house, which went against that original understanding.

And yeah, you’re totally right about the not engaging part. I’ve definitely gotten stuck in the cycle of trying to explain and explain, hoping he’ll suddenly “get it,” when really it just gives him more to push back on. I hadn’t heard of “gray rock” before, but Ill be sure to check that out thank you.

kurokomainu wrote:

NTA You don't need your father to understand or agree to your house rules. He can follow them or not come at all. You know he is toxic and tries to test how far you will allow him to push. He is of course not going to be happy about being pushed back against, but that's what needs to happen if there is to be any kind of bearable relationship with him at all.

And that's the rub. Having contact with him means having to constantly weed the garden of your relationship or have weeds take over the place.

It would be far simpler to go low or no contact (and better for you if he often behaves this way), but to the extent you want to keep him in your life his behavior needs to be pushed back against otherwise your interactions with him will be increasingly worse. He's not going to voluntarily stop at a healthy, respectful point. He has to be pushed back to that point. That's the way people like that are built.

OP responded:

This was honestly such a powerful way to word it, the “weeding the garden” analogy really hit me. You’re right, I’ve spent so long trying to keep the peace that I haven’t realized how much that’s slowly let the weeds take over.

It’s exhausting constantly feeling like I have to manage his moods just to keep things bearable. I think hearing it framed like this helps me accept that he’ll won’t respect them on his own. Because he won’t. Thank you genuinely for putting it this way 💛

EmploymentLanky9544 wrote:

"'He blew up even more. He said he doesn’t feel comfortable in my house anymore, that he could 'beat my boyfriend up,"

This is where you should have gotten up from your dinner, and left. Threats of violence against your boyfriend? Because your boyfriend defended the boundaries of your shared apartment?

"He’s thought about cutting us off over this."

Sounds like the perfect time to do the same. Even though you said this isn't about trust, or being personal, it really is at this point. It's personal because he's your father.

He actively antagonizes, gaslights you, and has now resorted to personal threats. Which means you also can't trust him, due to his unstable behavior, complete disregard for your space, and the people in your life. None of those are the actions of a loving, well-adjusted parent, let alone an adult. Honestly, I find it all a bit alarming, wondering what he will do next. NTA.

mountain_mists wrote:

NTA "Dad, since you can't seem to respect that this is NOT your house in any way then you are no longer welcome in my home and if you try to access this house in any way I WILL have you trespassed. Until you can respect my simple request I want nothing to do with you. Goodbye and I hope you are able to be mature about this."

HRHValkyrie wrote:

NTA. A stranger dropping off a package? Sounds super sus. Did you ever see what was in it? It must have been important if it had to be delivered right at that moment and not to your dad’s house later… or it was illegal and your dad didn’t want it around his place.

flash_glitzer wrote:

Take Dad up on his offer and go LC with him for awhile. See how he likes that. That would also be a good way to reinforce your boundaries.

Min_Sora wrote:

NTA but you need to consider cutting contact with your dad. Not just because he's an abuser (which he is, but he raised you so your concept of things is totally different from people not raised by manipulators) openly gloating about his abuse, but imagine what this must be like for your boyfriend.

His girlfriend's toxic manipulator strides into the place, treats her like crap, talks to him like crap, and he seems to be getting away with it. This is going to cause you massive strain in the future.