'AITA for telling my dad that I won’t come to his house anymore because of his new relationship?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my dad that I won’t come to his house anymore because of his new relationship?"
I, 21F, lived a good life growing up. My parents were college sweethearts who got together during their sophomore year of university, married at 23, and birthed me at 25. My dad was a financial analyst who worked 50 hours and my mom was a nurse who worked 36 hours as she worked multiple 12 hour shifts a week.
My parents brought in almost over 100k annually and I even went to a great school growing up. All in all, I had a average suburban family life When I was 18, I moved to DC for college and that was when my parents marriage went downhill.
By the time I came home for spring break, they announced to me that they’d be getting a divorce but there was no bad blood between them and they just simply weren’t compatible anymore and both wanted different things. It deeply impacted me but they stayed the same and it felt like the same parents I had grown up with, they just weren’t legally married anymore.
A few weeks ago, my dad broke his leg and has had trouble getting up and down the steps of his house or pretty much doing anything, I went over to check on him just to see how he was doing and progressing. He still lives in my childhood home after the divorce as my mom wanted something a bit closer to beach and a lot of my neighbors that I grew up around still live in the same houses.
When I used my spare key to get in, I saw our neighbor. Let’s call her Kira, in the kitchen making him a soup. The neighborhood has always been kinda close knit so while it wasn’t too surprising that our neighbors were helping another neighbor in need.
It did rub me the wrong way as Kira just turned 18 in mid June and her parents who were closer to my dad than she was were no where to be found, their cars weren’t even in their driveway. I asked Kira what was happening and she said that she just wanted to help out a bit.
I didn’t think into it and went up to my dad's room where he seemed fine but he didn’t even look up and he was completely shirtless, I asked him why that was and he said that it was “comfortable” but before I left for college. He never thought it was acceptable for any adult man to be shirtless around me no matter what.
So I wondered why he was so comfortable being shirtless around someone else’s barely legal daughter. When I left, I called my mom and told her about it. She told me that another neighbor had called her a few days ago and told her about Kira and dad’s relationship.
Turns out she had been going over there twice a week since the week after her 18th birthday and since my dad broke his leg she’s been over there everyday from the moment her dad leaves for work to 10 minutes before he comes home.
I called my dad the day after and asked him about his relationship with her and the concerns that the neighbors had and he reluctantly admitted that he and Kira had something going on but it was “nothing serious” and he was just having fun. I reminded him that she’s literally younger than I am and just graduated high school in May.
He said that while he knew it was problematic, it was legal and they were both consenting adults. I hung up on him but when I called him back I said that I will no longer come over his place because I cannot fathom the idea of him being intimate with the little girl that he had watched grow up and play games with me.
He said that I was being dramatic and that I should get the little girl version of her out of my head as he had. My boyfriend agrees that it’s kinda weird but I do know that maybe I was a tiny dramatic but idk.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
DescriptionFew6118 wrote:
NTA. I would tell her parents though. It’s hard to believe that he wasn’t dealing with her before she was 18.
OP responded:
My biggest fear even though I know it’s so likely since it’s literally been barely 3 months since her birthday.
ImmediateShallot7245 wrote:
NTA…It just amazes me that you as an adult man or woman can watch there kids childhood friends grow up only to be dating after they turn legal age, it’s just disgusting and I would wonder when it really started! Is she the reason why they divorced?
OP responded:
We moved into her neighborhood when I was 5, she was 2 when my dad first met her and he attended all of her parties including her high school graduation party, makes me sick that he was more than likely already having sexual thoughts about her as he watched her and her other high school aged friends have fun.
truth_fairy78 wrote:
NTA. I have a 19 yo stepdaughter who’s basically my world. I would scorch the earth if a man her father’s age came near her. Please tell her parents.
OP responded:
Her dad is the same way, he’s this mean guy who made all the kids too scared to even ring his doorbell, I know that if I spoke up then my dad would have bigger problems than his broken leg but I will tell him sooner than later but I’m still processing it myself and how I’m gonna tell him
[deleted] wrote:
Your dad is a grown man who can handle the consequences of his actions. I have to ask tho…why didn’t your mom say something?
OP responded:
I actually never asked and now that you mention it. She probably should’ve since she’s always been quite kind to Kira and her family, she expressed that she was disgusted with him when she was telling me what she knew but I actually have no idea.
Three days later, OP shared an update.
It’s been like 2 days since my first post and so many people asked for an update and I definitely feel better when I get people’s advice but even before I made the post it had been maybe a week since the incident so I’ve had time to process everything since my post. Anyways, I have had very limited contact with my dad since the situation.
I started my fall classes on the 27th and before what happened I spoke to him everyday and told him about my classes but I’ve stopped and will only respond very small sentences if he texts me first because of how disgusted I am with him and I’m highly considering going no-contact. Yesterday morning, I convinced my mom to reach out to her mom over Facebook as she’s obviously closer to her than I am which she did.
To paraphrase the message she told her about the relationship and that the entire neighborhood knew of the relationship and how she’s concerned about the power dynamic as the timeline doesn’t make sense since it’s hard to go from cordial neighbors to getting physical all within just a week.
Her mom responded saying that she’d be disgusted if she found out that what my mom was saying was the truth and that she and her husband (Kira’s father) would look into it. This morning my mom spoke to the woman who was the one that told her about the relationship and apparently there has been no peace in the neighborhood this morning and everyone’s talking about it.
Apparently, Kira’s dad and my dad had a veryyyy heated argument that ended with my dad storming away in his car, that Kira hasn’t been seen since yesterday afternoon and even this morning, and her car has been parked in the same spot all day.
My mom texted Kira’s mom to ask about what happened after she got the news and Kira’s mom told her that she went through her phone when she fell asleep on the couch last night. Everyone knows Kira’s password is her birthday, and found messages that had subtle hints of flirting while she was still 16/17 but not enough to actually go to the authorities and say that they had a physical relationship.
But two days after her party, my dad started sending her messages talking about how beautiful she looked which Kira thanked him for and sent a few flirty messages of her own.
The messages turned graphic very fast and they went from texting each other about movies or Kira asking for advice on her car (before her birthday) to him asking her to do things to him and her happily accepting.
According to the neighbor, Kira’s dad went over to my dad's place at around 6am and beat on his door until he answered, a lot of the people on that street have jobs or have kids that have school and it woke them all up.
They argued, Kira’s dad shoved him and the HOA man came over and broke it up which is why my dad left. When I was getting ready for class at around 12 today, he texted me telling me that I didn’t have to get Kira’s parents involved as she was an adult and that we could’ve talked it out as adults.
I told him that he was still my dad and I love him as the man that raised me but I’m gonna love him from a major distance as I can’t get it out of my head - the creepy timeline with this girl. He said that I took their entire relationship out of context and that Kira was a willing participant.
I told him that if I was in her spot and he was her dad then he’d be pissed. He completely ignored that message and started a new conversation about how legal was legal and despite her parents interfering, Kira wasn’t gonna stop loving him and he wasn’t going to stop what he was doing because the parents of an adult got involved.
(Not the exact words but it gets the point across.) I told my mom about the conversation and she said that she’s sick thinking about the times Kira came over when we were a bit younger, maybe 16 and 13 and how he might’ve already been having ideas about her and how good she’d look when she turned 18.
I don’t know when I’ll stop looking at my dad as a predator as I know how much I love the comfortable father/daughter relationship we had but I won’t allow him to normalize what he’s doing and can’t bring myself to even ask him what he’s gonna eat for dinner. Once again thanks for the advice guys and as her parents are just finding out I’ll probably have more updates depending on what happens.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
DannyBaek1996 wrote:
Your dad is gross and she was very much being groomed which is so sad🤢 I also feel sorry for her parents as clearly this was someone they have trusted around their daughter her whole life only for him to end up being a predator. Honestly I would cut your losses, as much as you say you love your dad, is that love strong enough to ignore the glaring red flags?
OP responded:
You’re completely right, I don’t think my love for him is enough to look past what he’s done. I don’t even think them breaking up could fix it as it still happened and he’s still a weirdo.
janus1981 wrote:
He’s so fixated on it being legal because deep down he knows how disgusting he is. This must be so hard to process.
OP responded:
Really hard actually, mainly because I can’t believe that the man who protected me against dangerous men in the world was just like the men who he told me to avoid, I haven’t spoken to him over a phone call since and refuse to text him first so I believe that I’m making bits and pieces of progress.
shujump wrote:
Your dad won’t be living in that house much longer, the neighborhood is going to make it very uncomfortable for him.
OP responded:
A lot of the neighbors have kids that live with them and the ones that don’t are in their 40s and more so their kids are out the door so I do believe that you’re right and nobodies gonna want to live by him anymore.
hedwigflysagain wrote:
Talk to your friends. Find out if he ever hit on them. This didn't start with Kira. NTA.