'AITA for telling my dad to pay for his own holidays? He's entitled and favors my brother.'
"AITA for telling my dad to pay for his own holidays?"
My (25F) dad (64M) has always favored my brother (29M), which has been clear in how he supports him and celebrates his successes. I could go on for days with many examples but here’s a pretty big one:
When my brother gets good news, my dad gets emotional and often teary-eyed. In contrast, when I graduated University and hosted my dad abroad, he whispered to my mom that he regretted coming and he wished he stayed home because he thought the dinner was too expensive ($150 for 5 people), our bed was uncomfortable, and our fridge smelled of kimchi.
That comment really stung, especially because he didn’t even say this to me directly, rather I overheard him as I was about to fall asleep (this was at night, I was on the couch in the other room as I gave my parents our double bed). For context, my brother is lazy and only got his current job with help from my parents, while I moved out at 21, built an independent life, and never asked for financial help.
Now, as I’m working on a business with my partner, my dad said, “If you ever want to gift us a holiday or a car, don’t feel like you need to spend too much money.” He often assumes we’ll pay for him.
AITA for telling him, “You can pay for your own holiday, you’ve got a job?"
The internet had a lot to say in response.
curly_spy wrote:
I’m just curious as to where you can feed 5 people for $150. NTA.
OP responded:
This was in a vegan restaurant in London, UK!
gr8n2ish wrote:
Good for you to call him out! 👏🏻 Sorry to hear that your parents don't know how to love both you and your brother. When you earn your first million, it will be OK to tell him with a See! I did this myself. Without any nepo help. And I still won't buy you a vacay or a car. Call your favorite son.
Aggressive_Ad_5454 wrote:
You don’t have to say anything or do anything. When he says “if you ever want to give us a car…” you can think to yourself, “yeah I’ll want to do that when penguins colonize Mars” and say, “hmm, Ok, good to know.”
No sense forcing a confrontation about his hypothetical idea. You aren’t going to change any minds or make anybody more content with their lot in life by having this conversation. So skip it. And, if f you get a more explicit demand remember that “No.” is a complete sentence.
TheDarkHelmet1985 wrote:
NTA not even close. My advice would be to sit your father down and lay out your issues with him. Make it clear that you have no intention to pay for any trip of his. That if he wants to visit you, he can pay for it himself but that you don't expect him to visit because he will "regret being there" or "complain about it every step of the way."
If you want a relationship with him, then give him a chance to correct the issues you raise with him. If he refuses, just simply go LC. That is what I did with my dad.
I still see him when my sisters invite him to holidays or birthday but we don't exchange calls or messages. He knows not to ask me for anything because for 15 years, the only time he would contact me is to get something from me or have me cover for him on something.
Never cared to ask me how I'm doing or what's going on in my life. Essentially, you are NTA and you need to create boundaries and enforce them. People in the family will try and use emotions to manipulate you to allow him to keep treating your poorly compared to your brother.
Stand your ground and maintain your boundaries. It will get better. I decided I needed therapy at the time I made the decision and it helped me stay the course and know I was doing what was best for me. I don't need to be constantly reminded of differing treatment every time I see him. I don't need his negativity in my life. I don't need him destroying my happiness.
anditurnedaround wrote:
NTA. It seems a little cheeky, but he sounds like he was being the same. So no again NtA It hurtful when you’re trying so hard to give and a person complains either to Your fave or behind your back. Some people are just like that. It’s probably better to. Or go Out of your way for them.
I do wonder if your dad’s pride is in the way a little. What you said may actually have been a nice thing. Why would I pay for you, you do just fine.
BrianWall68 wrote:
Now, as I’m working on a business with my partner, my dad said, “If you ever want to gift us a holiday or a car, don’t feel like you need to spend too much money.”
Just respond with, "Okay." You don't have to explain that no money spent on him is not spending too much money.
JGalKnit wrote:
NTA. Even if you were the favorite, it isn't your job to provide for or take care of your parents. If your dad would have treated you equally, you might have wanted to share the wealth. You are definitely under no obligation to do so. I would have said, "I don't feel like spending any money, so don't worry, I won't!"
PassComprehensive925 wrote:
NTA- Tell dad that his golden child son should be the one paying for his future cars and vacations. You would only select the wrong car or location. Better that his favorite son do it for him so it's just right.
And you know your brother never will.