'AITA for telling my dad he'll ruin our relationship if he puts his wife before me and my brother?'

"AITA for telling my dad he'll ruin our relationship if he puts his wife before what's best for me and my brother?"

I (16) have a brother (18) and our parents have been divorced for like 12 years. My parents always got along really well after the divorce. They threw us birthday parties together, celebrated Christmas together and would talk about us and keep things good. My brother has medical issues and they would be in the same room with him when he was sick or had a doctors appointment.

They also weren't those divorced parents who needed to schedule different times to speak to teachers. We were told we were most important to them and they never wanted us to feel caught in the middle. Overall though my parents didn't spend a lot of time together. But they could spend time together and did when it was for us.

I liked how they did that because it was nice to celebrate stuff with my whole family and my brother loved that he didn't have to pick which parent came to see him when he was in the hospital. When I was 11 my dad got married again. His wife and us didn't get on super well but not super bad either. She was included in the stuff with our parents like birthday parties, Christmas and stuff.

She was never very nice to mom though and now me and my brother found out she doesn't approve of dad and mom talking or being in the same room. She doesn't like joint Christmas celebrations or birthday parties. She thinks everything could be separate. And my dad's actually thinking of doing it. They told me and my brother a couple of weeks ago.

My brother stormed out and told dad he wasn't dealing with that BS. Dad told me he knew it would be an adjustment but it was for his wife. I asked him why she mattered more than us. He said she doesn't but it's different because we're older now. So I was like I have to have two weddings, two birthdays, two baby showers and everything else in the future.

His wife said yes and dad said that's not what she's asking. They spoke at the same time so dad changed what he said and he told me we'd talk about it more. I asked about my brother being in the hospital and she said he's an adult now so it's not like mom or dad even need to be there. My dad said to let things be figured out more first.

I told him why bother and he should know if he does this, if he puts her before us, then he'll ruin our relationship. The rest of the week at my dad's house was weird. My mom knows about it and I told her I don't want to go to dad's house if he's going to do this. She told me I'd have to go until a judge says otherwise but he did speak to her lawyer and filed in court to see if we can't let it be my choice.

My dad's wife is angry at me and my brother for not accepting this and she told me I put my dad in a bad position to lose one of us. Dad keeps saying we need to talk about this more but I feel like he just wants me and my brother to accept what his wife wants. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

MrsSEM84 wrote:

NTA. If his wife is so insecure that she can’t deal with her husband being around his ex then she shouldn’t have married him. She knew what the situation was when they got together, she had plenty of time to walk away if she wasn’t happy with the dynamics. I think you and your brother should try talking to Dad again, without her present.

Reiterate to him that neither of you are happy with this. If she doesn’t want to be around your Mom anymore that is absolutely fine, she can miss all of the events and special occasions but you aren’t having two.

So he can either choose to show up and be in his kids lives or not. But make sure he understands that if he doesn’t he shouldn’t act surprised in a few years when he doesn’t see or hear from either of you anymore.

OP responded:

We can try talking to him alone about this. But I wonder if that'll be allowed or if she'll be included regardless. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of him being around us without her either.

bookish_mama76 wrote:

NTA - I’m 49 & have been hospitalized 23 times in the last 13 years. My parents still come to the hospital to visit me. Her whole request is wild. She is the one who put your dad in a bad spot. His kids should still remain the most important to him, that’s just how it’s supposed to be. Her insecurities & jealousy should not be your problem.

OP responded:

On the planet where mom and dad should never look at each other or communicate ever again. They should move countries just to make sure they never come anywhere close to each other because that's how serious she is. She said there will never be a reason for them to talk or look at each other again. So I guess if me or my brother died they'd have to cut us in half and each bury half.

Dachshundmom5 wrote:

NTA. Your Dad is. He has been a good parent, he knows how to do the job and now he's choosing to be a bad parent and that makes him the AH. You are just being honest. She seriously said that he doesn't need his parents when he is in the hospital? And he sat there and let her?

OP responded:

She acts like my brother being 18 now makes it okay for our parents to just not be there for him. My dad didn't tell her that would never happen. He just kept trying to make this a we need to talk more thing. But how can we talk more about this if we're going to be expected to accept this crap?

TravelerMan310 wrote:

NTA.

Your Stepmom is definitely a piece of work though. She signed on to be a stepmom and now wants to re-write the contract? And 2 weddings? She must be joking or just really bitter.

OP responded:

She was serious. Two of everything. She said she does not want them around each other at all.

eratoesben wrote:

NTA - I can’t see from any angle how you would be ‘the A’. In this scenario only your dad and his wife are. The amazing thing your parents did when they divorced is put you, their children first and prioritised you in big life events and medical instances.

Yes your father has remarried and another person coming along will inevitably change the dynamic, whilst everyone has feelings and sometimes allowances may need to be made to accommodate everyone, the only person this placates is your father’s wife.

She is being selfish, jealous and driving an irrevocable wedge between your father and his children. I think the best course of action is to write an email where you are unemotional and factual. You describe the instances where the dynamic has served the family well in the past, how the changes will affect you and your sibling as well as how this entire situation has made you feel.

Make it clear that your mother doesn’t want to be with him - seems like his new wife has a case of the green eyed monster and slowly wants to remove you all from his life. Explain that while the ultimate decision is his, you will not be responsible for the effect it has on your relationship and you hope she is worth it.

D3athc0mestoall wrote:

"So I was like I have to have two weddings, two birthdays, two baby showers and everything else in the future. His wife said yes."

I'd just uninvite her from all future events. He can either be at you and your brothers events with your mum, and have a relationship with you, or he can screw off. Throw an ultimatum his way and watch him squirm. Coward putting his dick before his own children.

bythebrook88 wrote:

"and she told me I put my dad in a bad position to lose one of us." The one wanting to change things is responsible for the consequences. NTA.