'AITA for telling my daughter I won’t budge? 'Even if she never speaks to me again.'
"AITA for telling my daughter I won’t budge even if she never speaks to me again?"
My daughter Casey (17f) worked and saved up money for around a year to be able to afford a better car than we could buy her with our family budget. My other daughter Alana (16f, has ADHD) recently got her driver’s license, and asked to drive Casey’s car. Casey allowed it, but Alana ended up having a bad accident around 6 months ago which basically rendered the car unusable.
The insurance payout wasn’t nearly enough to cover the replacement, and with Alana’s medical bills from the accident (thankfully there was no permanent damage, just a broken arm and leg), there was no way we could afford to replace Casey’s car immediately.
Alana was very apologetic to Casey, and so were we since we couldn’t afford to replace her car. Casey didn’t accept our apology, and has been basically avoiding us, skipping family dinners, and pretty much pretending that her mom, Alana, and I don’t exist and only talks to us if she needs a form signed for her school.
I begged her to come to a family therapy session, and she eventually relented but with the condition that Alana wouldn’t be present. In the therapy session, she told us that she won’t be resuming a relationship with us until we replace her car, which realistically won’t be until next year. When the therapist asked how she expected us to do that, Casey said we could just make Alana work to earn the money.
The issue is that Alana has severe ADHD, and already has trouble managing her school work. I’m worried that making her work to earn the money will harm her grades and have significant ramifications for her future.
Casey said “well she should have thought about that before destroying my car, I don’t care, I’m not gonna speak to any of you unless I have my car replaced”. I responded that she was free to avoid speaking to me for as long as she wanted to, but I’m not going to permanently harm her sister’s future to get her a car earlier.
My wife agrees with me that we need to stand firm on our position, but is also genuinely afraid of Casey never speaking to her ever again. I understand that her car was ruined, but I as a parent I need to look out for all my children, not just one. I also don’t want to set the precedent that emotional blackmail will work even if what you’re asking for is unreasonable. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Accomplished-Emu-591 said:
YTA. And yet Casey is still without a car that she paid for. If a non family member had borrowed the car and wrecked it, would you sue? Or would you still tell Casey to suck it up?
"I responded that she was free to avoid speaking to me for as long as she wanted to, but I’m not going to permanently harm her sister’s future to get her a car earlier." So instead you have chosen to harm your older daughter's future. At her age, having transportation is much more important, especially if she is going to college. Or is that privilege reserved for Alana, too?
GlassMotor9670 said:
She bought the car, your golden child destroyed the car, you won't replace the car = YTA.
boredathome1962 said:
YTA. You say you have to look after both children, but you are only looking after one...you are protecting Alana's future by not giving her any consequences for her actions, eg getting a job...but Casey is already suffering the consequences, she has lost her car, but you brush over that. Favouritism is pretty clear here.
Ordinary_Forever2863 said:
YTA. I had really bad ADHD when I was younger especially my teenage years. I got a job at 15 to buy a car. That job helped me save and helped me put my focus all on one thing. I ended up doing way better in school after I got a job.
You definitely are showing favoritism and you’re showing your other child that action DON’t have consequences. I would not be talking to you either honestly. My senior year my sister stole my car and somehow managed to flatten the tires and left it abandoned for 3 days. My parents made her go get a job to pay for new tires. She absolutely hated it but understood that your actions have consequences.
3_wheeler_of_doom said:
YTA. Casey saved for an entire year in order to buy that car, Alana destroyed it and somehow you think Casey is in the wrong for demanding that Alana takes responsibility for her actions?
You are only looking out for 1 child, and that's Alana why don't you give Casey the money she needs to replace her car and then let Alana repay you. Alana managed to get a driving license, she could manage to work a part time job. If Casey leaves home and goes no contact with you and your wife you only have yourselves to blame.
Gohighsweetcherry said:
She can drive her sister’s car but can’t get a job? I have ADHD it’s not an excuse. You should take out a loan on behalf of your favorite daughter and she can pay you back when and if she gets a job. YTA.
FloridianPhilosopher said:
This is crazy. Forget not talking, she needs to sue you/Alana depending how the insurance works. YTA.