'AITA for telling my daughter that her boyfriend isn't welcome at our house?'

"AITA for telling my daughter that her boyfriend isn't welcome at our house?"

My daughter "Sally" is 15. She recently started seeing this boy "Jim", also 15, who recently transferred to her school. It seemed fine enough at first. Jim's been round the house a few times and he was always kind/thoughtful/polite, etc. the things you want to see as a parent.

But recently I found out that Jim is a father. He had a kid earlier this year, as far as I can tell. That's why his family moved, mostly because they wanted his siblings to be able to escape from the negative reaction/fall-out it caused where they lived. That's basically the extent of my knowledge, I don't know about the baby's mother, or what exactly happened there.

But I do know that I'm not interested in a similar kind of drama playing out under my roof. I told Sally that he isn't welcome at our house. If she wants to date him behind my back, obviously I can't control that, but I'm not having him over and I made it clear I don't want her dating him.

Of course she wasn't happy. She said it isn't fair that I'm judging Jim for his past mistakes and what makes me think she won't be responsible, blah blah.

I do trust her - she's never really been in a trouble ever, she's got a great head on her shoulders. But I don't trust him, end of story.

Am I wrong here? I don't think so but I do value other opinions.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

fishsticks_inmymouth wrote:

OP hasn’t responded once and hasn’t addressed the BC topic at all. I’m going to guess she doesn’t want her daughter to be on BC either, which of course isn’t the best route to take at all here.

(and I say this a daughter who got physical at 15 for the first time, put myself on BC because of a free clinic, and hid it from my parents until 17 when I finally admitted it. The free clinic has closed and now I had to get parental permission to acquire it from my regular gyno…my mom cried and guilted me when I told her I’d had hooked up haha).

You can connect with your daughter on this and try to really help her and be there for her, or you can push her away OP and she’ll just do whatever she’s going to do but behind your back. The latter isn’t the best choice.

honeybird29 wrote:

NTA but I think you need to pivot your approach. Any reasonable parent would be wary of this situation and I understand why your knee jerk reaction is to ban him from the house. HOWEVER it’s important to bring your daughter in, not push her out. She’s still a child and desperately needs your guidance at this age.

Think quality time, think honest conversations, think humility, grace, and empathy. Hard lines are going to separate you from your child and punishment isn’t very effective at this age. She needs to know the depth of your concern, she needs to know about contraception, she needs to know that she’s loved no matter what.

And you need more information as the parent. Ask her questions and try to be non-reactive. This could be a great opportunity to build some serious trust and connection with your child, OR it could lead to a period of intense mutual strife.

Realistically she will probably stop hanging out with this boy for one reason or another, so don’t let a temporary situation cause permanent damage to your relationship. You can do this!

Goddess777777 wrote:

Soft YTA. Your intentions were good, but the execution is most likely going to make Jim more attractive to your daughter since he's now forbidden fruit. Please talk to your kid about birth control. Also, explain you're not intending to judge him, but you want more for her than to be with a boy who already has a child he can't provide for.

Even if his parents are the one's who basically made him abandon their grandchild, Jim should be trying to get a job to, at the very least, send money to his child's mother. 15 year olds are known for making poor decisions. Talking with Sally about the real world consequences could have a better outcome than merely forbidding Jim from visiting her at home.

They can find a cozy nook at school, at a friend's home, a tent in the woods, etc. Keep your friends close and your teenage daughter's boyfriend closer so you can be more aware if they do decide to have sex. You'll have to balance being Sally's parent with being her friend so she will be more likely to confide in you and listen to your advice.

Perhaps explaining that it was a knee jerk reaction and that now that you've had time to think, you have faith that she won't be reckless and that if she does decide she's ready for sex with Jim, she'll use multiple forms of birth control/STD prevention. Good luck in this tough situation.

Ok_Damage2620 wrote:

You need to take a different approach to this. Forbidding it will just make them want to be together more. You admit you don’t know anything about the baby’s mother or what happened. And also Jim’s family moved him away from his child, so he and his family wouldn’t face any fall out.

You should be talking to Jim’s parents first. Maybe Jim is a victim. And even if he isn’t…hopefully he has learned from his mistake. Educate Sally about safety. It says a lot about Jim’s parents if they took him away from his literal child who was conceived consensually.

BarRegular2684 wrote:

Facts: teens who are armed with medically accurate information make better choices about s** and s*xuality. They delay their debut for longer, are safer when they do choose to be active and show better emotional preparedness.

And they don’t get pregnant nearly as often. My daughter has been the one providing that information to her hockey team for three years now, and I know damn well she’s not hooking up. When she started the rest of the team didn’t know how conception happened. So they didn’t know what not to do.

Now she’s the go to with questions. And I’m proud of her for that (because some of these girls should really never have children.) OP, make sure your daughter has the knowledge to make the right choices. You can tell her you don’t want her seeing that boy, and odds are you’re right, but that just gives him a tool to manipulate her.