'AITA for telling my daughter’s half-sister we’re not going to adopt her?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my daughter’s half sister we’re not going to adopt her?"

My husband and I adopted my daughter, Sofia (5f) three years ago. Sofia is biologically my half sister. My father and his wife died very suddenly, leaving behind Sofia, and his wife’s other daughter “Hanna” (9). Hanna is currently in the care system, she lives in a group home that is equipped for her needs.

We try to get the girls together every couple of weeks for supervised visits (Sofia has always been aware that she is adopted), which normally happen with their maternal grandmother, who I’ll call “Lori.” Lori has been combative with us since we met her, because she thought it was wrong for us not to adopt Hanna as well as Sofia, even though she is well aware of why it wasn’t the right choice for our family.

All this to say, when I say I think I know where Hanna has been getting certain ideas, I am pretty certain. Hanna has always made little comments about living with us one day. She’s used to say “one day when me and Sofia live together” or reference the girls sharing a room, or talk about pets she wants when she can move “home”.

We’ve always tried to play this off so as not to upset her, and I really figured she would grow out of it. Her social worker said she definitely would grow out of it, but it never happened. Nowadays, she makes comments about “being good so she can come with (us)”, and makes an over the top effort to show off her achievements when we are there on visits.

She's even started being disparaging about anything Sofia does and constantly one-upping her. It’s really sad to see, and no one listens when I say that someone needs to stop feeding into all this. I know they all want her to behave but Lori is constantly validating her saying this stuff and I hate that. The social worker just says it’s good that Hanna is making strides with her behaviour.

This just seems cruel and manipulative, like they’re letting this carrot dangle in front of this kid so that they can benefit without thinking what this will do to her.

So a month ago we were out and Hanna once again said brought up that she wants a horse if she’s come to live with us.

Lori smiled and said that would be really nice but she will have to be a good girl to get a horse, and I just looked at her like wtf. I told Hanna that she wouldn’t be able to live with us, because she was very loved at the home where she is and they take really good care of her and that we couldn’t do enough of a good job at that.

Hanna didn’t really seem to understand what I was saying, but she didn’t hug us goodbye like normal when we dropped her back. When we picked her up the last two times to go out, she was really quiet and sullen and didn’t want to do anything. She wouldn’t play or take part in anything we did. According to Lori, Hanna has been acting up at home and school as well.

She’s blaming me. I take the blame for this change, I get it. But I still feel like ultimately someone needed to have that conversation with Hanna because how long was she meant to believe she could “earn” being adopted? And how bad was it going to be to come to the realisation in however many years that everyone lied to her.

But I’m also worried that I’ve damaged things because if Hanna stops wanting to see Sofia, I’ll have ruined their relationship. And I’m not a trained professional, I maybe didn’t say it in the right way. Her social worker didn’t think it was a problem so many I should have left it. I feel crappy about it, even though I don’t think I was wrong in my intentions. So AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Why didn’t we adopt Hanna? Hanna has medical and psychological complexities as a result of her early life that are not insignificant. We are not equipped financially, materially, or emotionally to provide the care she needs and deserves.

Why doesn’t Lori have custody of Hanna? Lori has health issues and lives in a senior community. She can’t take care of Hanna full time.

Commenters had a lot of comments and questions to add.

[deleted] wrote:

Honestly, just get a child psychologist for your daughter and work this out professionally. Clearly, the social worker and Lori are more interested in keeping Hanna’s behavior right even with lies.

Being told to be good to get a place in your home is so cruel. It also may not be good for Hanna to see her sister get the happily ever after she won’t get. Sometimes we need to let kids act out so they can process their emotions. I think you need to pull back and focus on your daughter and what’s good for her. NTA.

OP responded:

Sofia has regular check ins with a child psychologist. We’re not doing them weekly anymore because that’s not what she advised. But if she spots any issues we can definitely increase.

Fabulous_Bus1837 wrote:

You weren't wrong. The way you said it may not have been the most appropriate for a child, but it's best to be honest with her as soon as possible. Otherwise what? She'll hope until adulthood that you'll adopt her, and when that doesn't happen, she'll be horribly frustrated and unhappy, and that can cause terrible havoc.

What's more, according to you, child welfare does this for what? To make her behave, but it's awful. They're the real AHs! Even if you didn't adopt her, you behave more like real parents than these people do.

OP responded:

I don’t think the social workers say that to her, but I’ve flagged it up with them and they’re like “oh well she will mature and understand in her own time." They don’t seem overly concerned about anything that’s not disruptive.

Krofftsurvivor wrote:

This is disruptive. This is a child who lost her parents at the age of six, and pretty much lost her sister as well. She clearly has some struggles you don't care to share, and someone is feeding her lies about the hope of having a home. A f#$king home with parents who love her and her sister, that's what they're lying to her about. They're dangling that at her and some social worker thinks that's not disruptive???

OP responded:

I meant if Hanna’s behaviour is not outwardly disruptive. If she’s not screaming or crying or cussing they don’t seem to think it’s much of an issue and think her therapy will eventually straighten it all out.

m4g3ntplz wrote:

NTA but fr the group home doesn't love her and it's weird/confusing that you said that. Maybe talk to someone about how you can be more honest and realistic while still using words an unloved child can understand.

OP responded:

Well, I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell a 9 year old that the people in her home are “qualified” to care for her. That’s not going to mean anything to her, is it? I just explained it so care and attention sounded like a positive thing. The social worker at the time told me they were not likely to stay together even if I didn’t adopt Sofia.

She said they would very likely end up placing Sofia to get adopted because she was so young, rather than keeping her in the home with Hanna or with foster parents. So if we didn’t adopt her, someone else was very likely to. Had they had a good chance of being adopted together maybe we would have made the choice to let that happen.

Corfiz74 wrote:

And why hasn't Lori taken her in? Being actually biologically related and all.

OP responded:

Lori has health issues and lives in a senior community. She can’t look after a child.

Any_Assumption_2023 wrote:

It sounds like the social worker was hoping you'd change your mind about the adoption by quilting you into it.

That's very unkind to Hannah, and on the social workers head, not yours. head, not yours.

StateofMind70 wrote:

Sorry OP, but not a fan. This is being handled poorly. Quit visiting the sister, who apparently thinks this is leading up to her getting out of foster care. What might have started as good intentions is now cruel. It's almost like you enjoy ripping the bandaid off every visit.

OP shared more information about the bio parents in a comment:

Firstly, I never met Hanna’s mother. My father was absent in my life for many years before they got together because he was an addict and a bad person. I saw him very rarely and even then it was mostly because he was begging for something.

He was not in my life. I only met Sofia after he passed. Yes, Sofia knows she’s adopted. She doesn’t know that my dad was her dad but she knows we are related but not her biological parents.

And yes, if Sofia wasn’t my half sister I wouldn’t have adopted her. Because we never planned to adopt. We planned to have a biological child, but Sofia came into our lives and the plan changed. That’s not a “gotcha.” I didn’t grow up my whole life planning to adopt so how would this situation have come about if she wasn’t related to me?

We didn’t choose not to adopt Hanna because of some misplaced hatred for a woman we never met. We chose not to adopt her because we were not financially or emotionally equipped to give her the care she needs. And that does for every other child on earth that we haven’t adopted. In life, it’s your job to know what you can take on.

Six weeks later, OP shared another update.

Hi! I’m not sure if anyone wanted this update but I hate reading posts that don’t have an update so I’m updating for anyone who might feel the same.

First of all thank you to everyone who gave helpful advice and who was genuine in their responses. After reading everything, I still think I was probably a little bit of an AH to spring the comment on Hanna like that. My frustration got the better of me and I can’t put the genie back in the bottle, but I’ll always regret it. That being said, I still also think it’s best that she knows.

I spoke to the child psychologist that Sofia sees and she said that there was no reason to cut contact between the girls and that it’s always recommended, unless in cases of actual ab#$e. So, we’ve continued the visits. However, as some people suggested, we’ve now stopped doing them with Lori or me involved.

The girls now see each other as Hanna’s group home and a care worker is able to supervise the visits. I am not sure if in the long run this is how we will do things because I’m not entirely comfortable with it but I think it’s better that the girls have as independent a relationship as possible.

As for Lori, we’re cutting down on contact with her. I know she is Sofia’s grandmother and I don’t doubt that she loves her but she hasn’t been a constructive influence so far, especially when we told her about the visiting plan going forward, so we are keeping her at arm’s length.

She will still see Sofia if she wants but at our convenience and with the understanding that she be more respectful. I’m not sure what else to include as it’s not been a very explosive conclusion to the issue. But I think things have worked out for the best. Thank you again to everyone who provided feedback!

The internet was glad to hear the update.

Backgrounding-Cat wrote:

Seems you found a good solution. You should of course ask Sofia after the visit how it went and all that.

OP responded:

She’s been twice, and she had a good time overall. There’s a couple of things that she wasn’t used to but nothing that a kid wouldn’t experience in kindergarten, it’s just a different environment. But we’re going to keep checking in with her.

Lisa_Knows_Best wrote:

Does Sophia want to visit Hanna? Does she enjoy these visits? Does Hanna want Sophia to visit?

OP responded:

Sofia likes visiting Hanna. I wouldn’t say it’s something she talks or thinks about in between visits, but she knows it’s part of her routine and she is happy to go. I guess it’s like seeing a cousin - you don’t necessarily miss them or beg to see them but you have fun when you’re together.

Hanna seems to be happy to see Sofia, from what I’ve observed. Hanna experiences certain delays so she and Sofia are not too far apart in interests/development. I know that may not always be the case as Hanna gets older and the age gap may become more pronounced but for now it seems to work.

wiltedwonderful wrote:

I’ve wondered how you got on! Sounds like you’re making the best of a really tough situation, and kept the children at the centre of your planning!! x